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We reject that rose, “The Bachelor”

By Rachel Sauer

Melinda: We are breaking up with “The Bachelor.”

We reject Juan Pablo's rose, ABC and everyone else associated with the show now.

This season has stunk from the beginning, but that's not why we're bailing. Rachel will take over to explain why after the events that unfolded Monday, Feb. 3.

Rachel: I would like to write in all-caps LIKE THIS. THAT'S HOW APPALLED I AM. I FEEL LIKE YELLING.

J.Pabs and the harem went to Vietnam this week, and I think it goes without saying that THEY DIDN'T DESERVE IT. &%^$#@*&*

But I'll demonstrate the restraint that none of these horrible people on this wretched show seem capable of. And I will issue an apology:

Dear Vietnam,

Sorry. Again.

Sincerely,
Rachel and Melinda

There were the usual, boring individual and group dates — a solo date with Awful Nikki the Pediatric Nurse to rappel into something called the Hell Cave gave J.Pabs a chance to say inane drivel and Nikki a chance to make tortured rappelling-is-like-falling-in-love analogies. On the group date, while picking veggies to stir fry for lunch, Cassandra Whose Career Is Former NBA Dancer observed that we should have stuff like that in America. You know, people picking vegetables! Rest in peace, Cesar Chavez.

But that's not even the part that caused me to spiral down, down, down into my "we're all doomed, I weep for humanity" swamp. That was when, after Crazy Clare Who Showed Up that First Night Wearing a Fake Baby Bump sneaked to J. Pabs' hotel room and they traipsed into the ocean for major hanky-panky, he shamed her the next night.

Yes, Our Hero, who selectively brings up his 5-year-old daughter as a reason for not doing something he doesn't want to, said things went too far the previous evening and he felt bad because his daughter might see it and basically it was Clare's fault. And she just sat there taking it like Hester Prynne, weeping and apologizing!

If only you hadn't pulled that gun on J.Pabs, Clare, and forced him into the ocean! If only you hadn't roofied him! You terrible, terrible temptress and vixen.

I mean, I really dislike this show's harem premise, which strikes me as the opposite of romantic, and how the contestants have to mask any real personality lest they seem disagreeable to some bonehead with a stack of roses. But it's the double-standard hypocrisy that most annoys me. Have the sex or don't, but enough with the faux-Victorian smokescreen of chastity. It doesn't hold up when I watched J.Pabs, within a single hour, make out with six different women.

Ew.

There is not enough "Downton Abbey" in the world to cleanse my soul of this, so I quit.

I QUIT! I'm sorry, Melinda. I promise, I really tried.

Melinda: No apologies necessary. This is garbage and so offensive to anyone who thinks love is sneaking into someone's hotel room to go romp in the ocean on national TV. That's not love. That's attention-seeking, desperate lust. Yuck.

I can't believe this is one season after Sean and Catherine got engaged and subsequently married on Sunday, Jan. 26. They were so sweet and mature. I wish you had seen that season, Rachel. I can't even write about this anymore. I'm so upset.

Adios, Juan Pablo and ABC. We're out.

COMMENTS

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I didn’t see this episode because I had already quit watching for all the same reasons!




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