Home > Chewin' the Fat > Archives > 2008 > April > 04 > Entry
I miss you Drew
People often ask me how I’m doing and always telling me to stay strong. People always tell me stories about my brother, Drew, and as a family, we always spend time talking about Drew, the son, brother and friend.
On April 5, 2005, my identical twin brother passed away in Kansas. I can remember the exact moment I got the call from my mother - I was getting ready for a budget meeting in the newsroom. People I work with have told me they could tell something was very wrong just by the look on my face.
Three years ago, the nightmare that could tear a family apart made its unwanted way into our family. My brother, my best friend and the person I turned to for advice, help and a good laugh was gone and I didn’t know where to turn, what to do or how to act. Three years later, I still have troubles figuring out how to deal with the loss of my brother.
Three years later and I am still rehabilitating myself. I still struggle. I still cry and I still feel emptiness. However, the one thing I have learned is life is very delicate and you never know when something like this can happen to you. It added a certain appreciation for the things I once didn’t value like enjoying a warm summer day outside with my dog, Buddy; snowshoeing in the wintertime on the Mesa; taking more vacations; paying more attention to my future rather then spending time wondering why I did some of the things I did yesterday and spending much more time with my family.
In October of 2005, I fell into a dark hole shortly after I bought my first house. It was my first birthday without Drew and it was then I began to feel the real pain and suffering of what had happened. I spent a lot of cold and lonely days in that house. I quickly learned, however, I have people in my life who care and are suffering with me. Good friends and family slowly pulled me out of a rut that was destined for more darkness and who knows what else. I was living in denial and needed a good shove into reality.
Not long after I got myself back together I met someone who literally took me to a new level of life - a place I didn’t think was in the cards for me. I met my wife around my brother’s second anniversary and I started to, for the first time in a long time, feel secure and safe. Was this my brother’s way of creating a whole new world of happiness for me? I like to think he certainly had something to do with it.
And now, three years after my brother passed away, I still find myself dealing with a lot of pain and suffering. However, the way I deal with those emotions have changed, or if you will, improved. I struggle with dreams where I can hear Drew, feel him when he hugs me and when he tells me he’s proud of me. I struggle with thoughts of was I as good of a brother as he was to me and did I say and do all the things I should have said and done?
When people do ask me how I’m doing, the answer is generally the same - It’s getting more manageable but the pain will always be the same.
Have a good day, Drew. I miss you dearly!
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