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Teenagerus Dumbasserus

By {screen_name}
Monday, January 15, 2007

Title courtesy of Robin. The thing about snow is that you can see your footprints in it. The thing about teenagers is they don’t really think past their footprints at times. The combination of these two truths makes for interesting events. Alex has a friend stay overnight Friday. The same kids who refuse to get out of bed in the morning also refuse to go to bed at night. So about 11:00 p.m. I tell them both good night and since it was very cold, windy and snowy outside I said, JOKINGLY!, “If you sneak out of the house tonight be sure to bundle up.” Somewhere around 3:00 a.m. I hear talking and stumble out of bed to see whassup. Both kids are in the refrigerator, not literally, but where else would two teenage boys be? As I glance across the room doing the “mom-scan” I notice a pair of gloves on the floor by the front door. Most definitely they were not there before I went to bed. “Al, where did those gloves come from?” “Umm, they’re the gloves you got me from Eddie Bauer, remember?” “Yeah, I know where they came from. What are they doing by the front door?” “Ummmm,” followed by the deer in the headlight - or the teenagers in the refrigerator light - look. Now my mom radar is on full alert. I open the front door and see two pair of giant size sneakers coated in snow on the front porch. “Why are your shoes covered in snow and sitting outside?” (Lest you think I am stupid, I have actually figured out by now whassup. I’m giving them every opportunity to come clean.) “Ummm, we were bored so we walked around the front yard.” “Really? You didn’t go anywhere other than the front yard?” “Ummm, not really.” “Well, very curious because there are footprints in the snow leading down the driveway and up to the road.” “No, really, we didn’t go very far.” OK. They are so busted by now. I mean the smoke from the gun is thick in the air! And there’s smoke coming from my ears because not only is the boy less than truthful, he thinks I’m stupid enough to believe him! I will give his friend points because he did actually fess up. (But I’m deducting points from both of them because they weren’t smart enough to at least put their snow covered foot-yachts in the garage.) Long story short, I ordered them both directly to bed and lights out. The next morning they were served a lecture on the importance of truth, honesty and trust along with their Spam and bagel sandwiches. And Alex got to copy down every military code of honor that exists and write a brief essay on why telling the truth is important. And I lectured him again on how he may or may not get in trouble for what he did, but he will always get in trouble for not telling the truth about it. In the end, I have to laugh to myself. I bet it was a blast to sneak out, go up to a friend’s house and write “I love you” in the snow as they claimed they did. And if I wanted further evidence to bust them, I needed only to point out two pairs of wet jeans hanging over the shower rod. 3 comments

Belly-aching

By Robin Dearing
Friday, January 12, 2007

Back when Margaret was a baby, I was always afraid that she was going to get appendicitis (for no reason in particular — I chalk it up to being a result of my general quirkiness). I remember wishing that she could identify and communicate her ailments. I wished that she could tell me when there was something wrong with her. But as the saying goes, be careful for what you wish. Now, that's she's developed a sophisticated-enough vocabulary to hold a conversation with most anyone, she constantly barraging me ailments. She'll cry that she needs multiple Band-Aids for a mere scratch that she is sure is going to cause her to be exsanguinated. She needs "two pills" (her reference to children's Motrin) for an ache she claims is preventing her living her life to the fullest. She complains that her stomach hurts ... And that's the one that always gets to us. For several months last year, Margaret's stomach did hurt — we could tell by her urgent and frequent trips to the bathroom. At first, we thought that she had eaten something bad or had a bug, but it didn't seem to go away. After too many days of suffering, we took her to the doctor. I like our family doctor. He's pretty patient with me and my sundry, bizarre ailments and is pretty practically minded about treating children (and me, as well). We discussed the possibility that she might be faking it and discussed the possibility that she had a legitimate problem. We decided on a course of diagnostics and we decided to begin eliminating certain foods from her diet. She had an x-ray which revealed nothing major. Next step, diet modification. First things, first, we eliminated milk. Being that many people are black-toast intolerant, er, I mean lactose intolerant, we thought dairy might be the problem. Well, guess what? It was. We eliminated regular milk and now she drinks lactose-free milk instead. That seems to have helped a lot. But she still complains about her stomach. We're pretty sure that she's OK and that she uses her delicate, digestive constitution as an excuse, but what if she's not? What if she's got an ulcer? Or gastroparesis? Or appendicitis? Just another reason why parenting is so dang hard. 2 comments

Super Nanny Comes to Grand Junction

By {screen_name}
Thursday, January 11, 2007

We all know somebody who needs this show!! FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: 1/11/2007 Contact: Johnnie Raines - Casting Producer: 323/904-4680 jraines@ricochettelevision.com ABC’S SUPERNANNY LAUNCHES WINTER CASTING TOUR IN GRAND JUNCTION, COLORADO; THIRD SEASON PREMIERE SOARS IN THE RATINGS Los Angeles, CA -- The casting team of ABC’s hit reality series SUPERNANNY are looking for Western Colorado families for the new season of the show. KJCT News 8, K-JOY 92.3 and producers from the show are hosting an open casting call on Saturday, January 13th from 12PM until 3PM at the Mesa Mall in Grand Junction. The season premiere earlier this month generated the network’s strongest series performance in the time period since the spring, the network said. Casting Producers from the show are launching winter casting for the third season of SUPERNANNY to find fresh stories illuminating a variety of family issues not seen before on the show. Interested families who are in need of help with their out of control kids may apply from anywhere via ABC.com, keyword “SUPERNANNY” or call in to the Casting Hotline at 877/NANNY-TIME (1-877-626-6984). Jo Frost’s expert behavioral techniques and caring ease with children make ABC’s SUPERNANNY a hit with the audience every week. Her newest book, ASK SUPERNANNY hit the shelves this fall and follows up her best selling SUPERNANNY: HOW TO GET THE BEST FROM YOUR KIDS, which spent three months on the New York Times best seller list. In each episode of the series airing on KJCT News 8, Monday nights this winter, Jo Frost wrestles even the most unruly kids into shape, imparting effective parenting tools and returning harmony to American households one family at a time. Please visit www.kjct8.com for more information. Please call 323/904-4680 or e-mail supernanny@ricochettelevision.com Or contact Dylan Hardy at KJCT News 8 (970) 245-8880 promotions@kjct8.com 5 comments

Fantasy Cupcake Anxiety

By Richie Ann Ashcraft
Wednesday, January 10, 2007

As mentioned I like to Google random words in my spare time. My favorite word of late has been “Cupcake.” Reason being I’m thinking of making some cupcakes for Soren’s first birthday which isn’t far off. A one-year-birthday is a big deal but a large party with clowns and bump-n-jumps seems frivolous. I’m thinking a few family members with pizza and cupcakes is going to be the little affair for my big man. A one hour event…tops. Anyway so I Googled “cupcake.” I was completely stunned. There are thousands of sites and blogs devoted to the mini-cake. I had no idea! cupcake.jpg Seems in the larger metro areas like L.A. and N.Y.C. cupcakes are all the rage! There are tons of little bakeries devoted to gourmet cupcake baking. They have cute names like the Cupcake Royale, the California Cupcake Company, and Sprinkles. One article claims that cupcakes are the “New Cocaine.” How many do you have to eat to get that effect? balls.jpg There are posh skater-style stores devoted to cupcake t-shirts and hoodies like Johnny Cupcakes. (I really like some of these.) And sweet blogs galore!!! There’s an endless foodie circle of bloggers that devote page after page to their latest “I can bake better than you” creations. It’s the newest hottest wedding trend to serve white cupcakes instead of the traditional wedding cake. wedding.jpg I started to wonder if I could have a new career in cupcake baking. Is this town ready for an entire store devoted to the cupcake? What about other mini sweet treats? Maybe a store reminiscent of European bakeries which sell three bite delicacies like tiramisu and banana eclairs? I’d sell cakes with cutsey names like Palisade Peachy Paradise and Bookcliff Spice and Red Dirt cakes. I’d cater weddings with pure white mini cakes covered in pale pink marzipan and topped with live edible pansies. Or maybe I’d make inspirational cakes for church socials with words like truth, devotion, and love scrolled in rich buttercream. flower.jpg Aaawww…nice daydream. It all starts with the first dozen. There are thousands upon thousands of Internet recipes. I was planning on making some cakes out of a box. Maybe I’d throw in a handful of chocolate chips if I were feeling exceptionally creative. But after this wide search, it’s just not going to be good enough. I’m now thinking of chocolate raspberry with blue buttercream frosting. Or maybe strawberry with cream cheese frosting decorated with blue #1’s. green.jpg I don’t know. Now I’m overwhelmed. Any suggestions? 8 comments

Manners anyone?

By Robin Dearing
Tuesday, January 9, 2007

I love living in Grand Junction for too many reasons to list. One of which is the people. I've met many wonderful, interesting, intelligent, funny, friendly folks here in the Grand Valley. Unfortunately, there seems to be an equal number of mannerless— I'm trying to think of an appropriate word that I can use on a family-friendly Web page ... let's go with — dolts living here in the valley as well. You know the type, the people who won't let you merge over when you have your blinker on, but instead speed up. Yeah, those guys. It seems that whenever even a semi-big name band or musician comes to town, the dolts think it's their cue to gather with like-minded individuals and put on the dunce parade. I've been to two shows in Grand Junction where the performer had to stop the show to point out to the dolts who were causing annoying and/or dangerous mayhem that behaving one's self in public is not so much an option as a requirement, especially when one is in a full house. Now, I'm not such a prude as to think that these doltish folks would act like this everyday. I realize that these mannerless clods, more than likely, had ingested compounds of some sort that facilitated such behavior. But that is no excuse. If you cannot hold your liquor, then you should stay home and annoy your family — not me. Don't under any circumstances come out and annoy and/or endanger the rest of the ruly crowd. I love going to shows. I love standing at the front of the stage and singing and dancing with abandon. I've even been in a mosh pit or two in my time. So I'm not some wallflower who wants everyone to sit quietly with their hands folded in their laps. What I want is for people to act with respect towards their fellow human beings. It is my belief that we parents need to instill in our children that there's a difference between having a good time and acting a fool. 3 comments

LOL

By {screen_name}
Monday, January 8, 2007

I have never been a big fan of the comics. This is true in spite of the fact I learned to read by looking at the Sunday comics and eventually all the words on the page were deciphered to go along with the pictures. I have always been puzzled by the multitude of people who freak out whenever we change something on our comics pages. I bite my tongue to avoid saying something like, “Get a life.” Until I started reading “ZITS”. This cartoon should be required reading for any parent going through the teenage years. I swear the characters live at my house. I clip it out several times a week to share with Alex. In fact, I told him yesterday that he should call the cops because they have stolen his identity through this comic strip. I rarely, if ever, miss reading it. In fact, if my employers ever mess with it, I will be one of those people flooding our switch board to freak out. You won’t find the comic on our web pages. But I’m telling ya, it’s worth the price of home delivery. Oh yeah - call us at 242-1919 and we canl set you up with that. Or go back to our home page and do it on-line. Have fun reading ZITS! We all need to laugh more - especially at our own situations! 2 comments

It’s All About Meme

By {screen_name}
Friday, January 5, 2007

Last but not least . . . Ten Things That Make Me Happy 1. A sincere “I love you” from my son, or anyone else for that matter 2. Having my family close at hand 3. A bottle of really good red wine for less than ten bucks 4. An up-close parking spot 5. A haircut I like the first time 6. Prayers answered the way I think they should be answered 7. Going on a picnic - anytime, anywhere, any weather 8. A full tank of gas, a clean car, my favorite CD’s and an open road (OK that’s four, but they’re related) 9. I can still do at least ten real push-ups 10. Making my son laugh Nine Places I’ve Visited 1. King Hassan’s palace in Morocco 2. La Alhambra 3. Haleakala Crater 4. Harry’s Farmer’s Market 5. Praia de Roca 6. Montreal 7. La Catedral de Sevilla 8. Canyonview Stadium 14 9. Monterey Bay Aquarium Eight Random Things You Might Not Know About Me 1. My tan lines from Hawaii are beginning to fade 2. I won the school spelling bee in 6th grade 3. My spice cabinet is alphabetized 4. There are certain crimes I would commit if they ever become de-criminalized 5. I have never seen “Rocky Horror Picture Show” 6. I once drove all night with friends to get tickets to a Grateful Dead concert (about which I remember little) 7. I love to make and eat soup, any kind of soup 8. I own t-shirts that are older than my son Seven Things I Want To Do Before I Die 1. Snowshoe 2. Win Powerball 3. Have grandchildren 4. Visit Scotland and Ireland 5. Get Botox 6. Be on an episode of Boston Legal 7. Have time to say a Hail Mary Six Ways To Win My Heart 1. Tell me I’m a good mother 2. Take me on a trip somewhere 3. Compliment my son 4. Be my handyman and fix stuff 5. Don’t argue with me about ANYTHING when I have PMS 6. Support me even if you don’t agree with me Five Things I Don’t Like 1. People who throw their cigarette butts out of their car windows 2. Any so-called “reality” TV 3. People who litter, especially in the wilderness 4. Catfish 5. People who don’t clean the microwave at work after they use it Four Things I’m Afraid Of 1. Anything bad happening to my son 2. Choking, drowning or some other violent death like murder 3. Getting cancer or any life-threatening illness 4. Being the only survivor after nuclear war Three Ways To Turn Me Off 1. Vote for a candidate or issue without bothering to become informed about either 2. Blame all your problems on other people or events and refuse to take responsibility 3. Pick your teeth in public after eating Two Things I Wish I Had 1. My original Woodstock poster 2. The proverbial magic bullet One Thing On My Mind Right Now 1. That I actually get paid to do this 1 comments

Knowing Me…Knowing You

By Richie Ann Ashcraft
Thursday, January 4, 2007

This was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. Ten Random Things You Might Not Know About Me! 1. I grew up "off-the-grid" often without running water or electricity. 2. I wear socks to bed and then kick them off before I fall asleep. There's always a nest of disgarded socks at the foot of my bed. 3. I'm passive-aggressive. 4. I like to search random words like "tiny pants" "crackhead" and "europeans" into search engines to see what comes up. 5. ivars.gif This is one of my favorite restaraunts although I've only been there twice. 6. I like scary movies because they make me giggle. 7. I put ketchup on my eggs. 8. I'm klutzy and socially awkward at times. 9. I'm secretly shy. 10. I read A LOT! I'll read anything including shampoo bottles while I'm waiting for the conditioner to set in. Nine Places I've Visited: 1. the white house.jpg The White House 2. breakers.jpg The Breakers 3. sistine.jpg The Sistine Chapel 4. chichen.jpg Chichen Itza 5. ephesus.jpg Ephesus 6. knossos.jpgKnossos 7. petra.jpgPetra 8. via delorosa.jpg Via Delorosa 9. red sea.jpg The Red Sea Eight Ways To Win My Heart 1. Take me somewhere...anywhere. 2. Surprise Me. 3. Remember something random I've said. 4. Save something I've given you. 5. Be there for me in my weakest moments. 6. Remember my name and how to spell it. 7. Let ME be nice to YOU! 8. Chocolate. Seven Things I Want To Do Before I Die: 1. Have more kids. 2. Take those kids backpacking in Europe, to Disneyland, and to Yellowstone. 3. Eat at Tavern on the Green 4. Retire Rich. 5. Value and use all the time I have left. 6. Catch a really really big fish...then let it go. 7. Tell my family I love them every single day. Six Things I'm Afraid Of. 1. Not having any emergency food in my house. 2. Losing my family. 3. My teeth falling out. 4. Bankruptcy. 5. People stalking me on this blog. 6. Getting old. Five Things I Don't Like: 1. I don't like when Internet commenters use acronyms like DD for darling daughter or LOL for laugh out loud. I can't always figure it out and it's annoying....FFS! 2. Drivers that turn into the far lane....It's illegal and annoying. 3. When people stand too close to me in the line at the grocery store. 4. Onions. 5. Rude people. Four Ways To Turn Me Off 1. Make fun of me. 2. Not listen. 3. Be cranky for no reason 4. Be boring. Two Things That Make Me Happy 1. SoJo 2. Marty One Thing On My Mind Right Now 1. Lunch 5 comments

Meme-ories

By Robin Dearing
Wednesday, January 3, 2007

It's a meme. This is the first time I've ever completed a meme. I see them all the time on other people's blogs and Richie thought it would be a good way for our reader (all one of you) to get to know us a little better. So here it is, my 10 things meme: Ten random things you might not know about me (this is more like 10 things that you know about me but wish you didn’t): 10. I like cake. 9. I like to ride my bike around the block again and again and again (and I would do it more often but I worry what the neighbors might think). 8. I almost always have my toenails painted. 7. I won’t let anyone else do the laundry because I like it folded exactly the way my mom taught me. 6. I file, clip and/or pick at my fingernails when I’m trying to write something. 5. My Dwight Schrute bobblehead is my favorite Christmas present. 4. I enjoy public speaking. 3. I love grilled asparagus and steamed Brussel sprouts. 2. I love reality TV so much that my friend and I invented a game we play while we watch Survivor. 1. I love movies about sports, especially ones where the underdog wins. Nine places I've visited: 9. Buffalo 8. Truckee, Calif. 7. Miami Beach 6. Vancouver 5. Las Vegas 4. New York City 3. Washington, D.C. 2. Pittsburg 1. New Orleans Eight ways to win my heart: 8. Give me chocolate 7. Say nice things to me 6. Be funny 5. Cook me dinner (and breakfast and lunch) 4. Bring me diet vanilla sodas 3. Laugh at my jokes 2. Sing along when I play the guitar 1. Love my kid Seven things I want to do before I die: 7. Travel abroad 6. Watch my kids become happy, successful adults 5. Make my parents proud 4. Not have to worry about money 3. Finish painting my house 2. Learn patience 1. Be a better wife and friend Six things I'm afraid of (I had to fight the urge to edit this to read “Six things of which I’m afraid”): 6. Losing a family member 5. My kid getting sick 4. People who leer and breathe heavy 3. Scary movies 2. Giant bugs 1. Whirling blades Five things I don't like: 5. Raisins 4. Drunk people who think they’re interesting 3. Bad breath 2. Being touched by strangers 1. Boring people Four ways to turn me off: 4. Be insecure 3. Be late 2. Drone on about things that aren’t funny and/or interesting to me 1. Don’t take responsibility for your own actions Three things I do every day: 3. Read (newspapers, blogs, books …) 2. Laundry (it’s never done) 1. Laugh Two things that make me happy: 2. Black turtleneck sweaters 1. My family One thing on my mind right now: 1. My aching stomach Now, it's Richie's turn. So, tag Richie, you're it! 6 comments

Say Cheese!

By {screen_name}
Tuesday, January 2, 2007

Personally, I’m glad the holidays are behind us. They were great, but I always feel overwhelmed and a bit out of sorts by the need to be “perky”, a trait that does not come naturally to me. A good time was had by all in the Lickers tribe. Well, the teenagers might argue they were alternately, bored, embarrassed and frustrated by the amount of time they were forced to spend with family. Yes, as Richie pointed out, I did get a digital camera for Christmas. Thank you, Dan. As soon as Alex saw it, he jacked it for his own. He’s the only one who knows how to use it. He loaded the software (software?), explained with as much patience as a rattlesnake to his incredibly stupid mother how to hook up the thingie to the USB port (USB port?), and get the pictures out of the camera. And then what? OK, so they’re now in the computer. And to look at them I can’t just flip through the package like the old days? Oh, actually you can hook the camera up to the TV, so when company comes over you can treat them to a full 32” of your mug. Dan called me the day after Christmas and asked what my plans were for the day. “Well, I’ve dedicated the day to figuring out how to use the camera.” “OK. I’ll call you in an hour. If you haven’t figured it out by then, we’re through.” Obviously I’ve become the incredibly stupid girlfriend as well! Cut me some slack, dudes. It comes with three manuals in four different languages! The good news is I’m up to page 47 in the English version. This is the year I required Alex to purchase Christmas gifts for his parents. I want him to learn that there is joy in giving. His limit was five bucks per parental unit. I didn’t care what he got, as long as he shopped, paid and wrapped on his own. He did a darn good job. Knowing his mama’s soft spot, I received a beautifully wrapped (by him) box of chocolate truffles. I’m pretty sure I have a picture of me opening it somewhere on the home computer. When I get to page 53, I can probably figure out how to share it! Happy New Year everyone! 1 comments
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