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By Robin Dearing
Friday, September 15, 2006
The phone rang one day last week. Margaret answered it
"Helloooh!" she cheerfully cried into the reciever in that endearing 6-year-old voice of hers.
"Hi gramma!" the conversation began. After hearing a lot of "yeeaaahs" and "nooohs" and one "I can ride really fast!" Margaret calls out to me, "Mom, your mom is on the phone."
Yeah, it's strange but whenever Mar references her maternal grandmother to me she always calls her "your mom." It's never "Gramma's on the phone" or " I wanna talk to Gramma." Nope, it's always, "Your mom is on the phone" and "I wanna talk to your mom" — like she's gonna tell on me or something.
I take the receiver and greet my mom.
"I'm calling to chew you out," my mom states. "I have to read about my granddaughter learning how to ride a bike on the Internet?"
She was referring to this post
from last week.
I don't think I called her when Margaret got her teeth pulled either.
My parents and I are pretty close. We talk often on the phone and visit each other as often as we can. But I still can't help but wish we lived near them.
I had both of my grandmothers within bike riding distance while growing up. We would go shopping and to the movies and we'd play games together. It was something that I always cherished.
Margaret knows her grandparents well and has spent a lot of time with them, especially my parents. She loves when they visit and loves visited them even more — which makes me happy. Grandparents are so important for children — from them they get a sense of history and permanence that is invaluable.
And the love of a grandparent for their grandchild is a love unlike any other.
My mom used to tell me — only partially tongue in cheek, I'm sure — that the reason she had kids was so that she could someday have grandchildren.
Well, my brother and I made my folks sweat on that one, as neither of us had children until we were in our 30s. Now they have four grandkids to spoil.
By Richie Ann Ashcraft
Thursday, September 14, 2006
It took seven months but I finally reached my pre-pregnancy weight. Sounds good right?
It is except for two things:
First, I have convex curves that used to be and should be concave. I guess that is Soren’s little present to me…the belly pooch. I had a flat stomach prior to pregnancy and now my silhouette looks less like Betty Boop and more like The Born Loser.
Secondly, this is the weight I was when saying I wanted to lose ten pounds before becoming pregnant. Meaning I still have ten more pounds to lose. I am not at GOAL weight.
Losing weight is hard for most people and I’m no exception. It has been harder for me this time as I feel a delicate balance between feeding myself and breastfeeding Soren. Too few calories may rob him of essential nutrients while too many will rob his mama of self-esteem.
And how long can I really use the “I just had a baby? excuse while downing a double cheeseburger, cheese fries, and a chocolate shake from Clark•s Big Burger? I mean really, it’s so lame to use your kid as an excuse after a certain point.
Standing in line at the grocery store last April my eyes cruised the tabloids for something of interest to preoccupy my wait. They showed post-pregnant actresses like Gwyneth Paltrow looking stick thin three days out of the hospital. How is that even possible I wondered? I had my baby nearly three months prior and I didn’t look nearly as well.
Okay, so comparing myself to Gwyneth Paltrow is totally stupid but still…admit it ladies… you’ve done the same.
I know the only way to lose is to eat less and exercise more. But when? Finding time to exercise, as a new mom is completely impossible. Every minute of my day is booked from the second I wake up to third or fourth time I go to bed.
It just boils down to time and lack thereof. There is no time for at home exercise videos, trips to the gym or Baby and Me yoga. I wish there were. For now, I’ll just have to be satisfied with smaller portion size (something I’ve always had trouble with) and walks to the park to swing the baby. It’s working albeit slowly.
By Richie Ann Ashcraft
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
This week has been uneventful in the Ashcraft household. We’re just plodding along; baby shuttle, work, baby shuttle, dinner, bed. I’m finding that on weeks like these mundane things count as “events? and here•s my latest.
Soren has been staying with his Grandma Ashcraft this week. She loves her smallest grandson. They play and swing. Grandma spoils him rotten as she should. He can do no wrong as far as she is concerned. And when he looks at Grandma, it is obvious he loves her too.
The other day, she tells me they pretended he had just come home from school. Boys who come home from school get milk (breast) and cookies. (This is after the chocolate cake he had a lunch.) Aaahh…that’s cute. I don’t know how many Animal Crackers that baby had but he was riding his first sugar high that evening.
He was everywhere, rolling and army man crawling from one corner of the room to the next. If I so much as stuck out my tongue he would fall into a fit of hysterics laughing his buns off. His dad and I enjoyed it immensely as getting him to laugh is a chore sometimes.
Yesterday, he and grandma played all day and took a really long nap together. I’m so happy that she enjoys him so much. I love that he spends the day with family when we are away.
I left a bottle and prunes for his snack.
As I was cooking dinner, I stopped to change the baby. I heard a particularly loud spatter hiss from the oven. I left my boy bare butt and rushed into the kitchen.
When Daddy opened the front door bearing gifts of wine, he was shocked at the scene before him. I was on the floor holding a naked baby who was covered in…..well, we are talking prunes here. The living room carpet was doomed the day we brought this kid home from the hospital. Without being completely vulgar I can’t describe the mess. It was really bad.
As I realized this is not my most shining motherhood moment, I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.
Soren went directly to Daddy who plopped him the tub with a good natured laugh. I cleaned.
Twenty minutes later, our clean boy made a choking noise. Dad scooped him up by the belly and he threw up on the same piece of carpet he had just ruined with poop. I cleaned again. (Sick kids are a joy I see Robin!) That carpet has to go. And thank God we had wine!
By Robin Dearing
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
The phone rang last night. I sat on the sofa eating the remainder of the Moose Tracks ice cream right out of the container.
The phone continued to ring.
I was perplexed. The teenager was in the house and yet he was not diving for the phone.
Finally I hauled myself off the couch and answered the phone myself. It was for Sean.
I plopped back down on the sofa and called out, "Sean, phone."
I went to his room and found him asleep on his bed ... at 8:30 p.m.
He woke long enough to have a 10-minute phone conversation and then his room fell quiet again.
I asked Bill if Sean was OK. I mean what kind of 15-year-old would rather sleep then talk to his beloved girlfriend on the phone?
A sick one.
I've never seen him like that before. I began peppering him with questions: Do you have a cough? Fever? Are you congested? Sick to your stomach?
Mostly he said he was tired. So we let him sleep and eventually Bill and I went to bed.
Around 2, I woke up to find my 6-year-old coughing in my face.
"This isn't going to be good," I said as I tucked her into my bed and I trudged off to sleep the rest of the night in her bed (through the process of trial and error, we've discovered that the three of us cannot share a bed. And I actually kind of like sleeping in her room; she's got a fan that keeps her room nicely chilled. The only problem is that I have to excavate a mound of stuffed animals from the bed before there's enough room for a full-grown adult.)
This morning, Sean got up and prepared himself for school. Mar continued to sleep in our bed.
While I was in the shower, Bill came in to tell me that Sean had decided he was too sick to go to school.
He must be half dead, as that kid would go to school if he'd lost his nose to leprosy.
So now we had a teenager that could stay home by himself, but what to do about the coughing first-grader.
She's got no fever nor runny nose, just a cough. Do we keep her home? Would one day of rest cure the cough?
I'm never really sure what to do in these situations. In cases like these, I wish we were more like the Japanese in that they are often seen wearing protective masks over their noses and mouths while sick.
If I could just keep her from coughing all over the other kids, I would feel better about sending her to school.
As the morning progressed, her cough abated and her mood seemed fine, so off to school she goes.
Good, now I only have one sick kid to worry about.
Monday, September 11, 2006
I’m excited and happy today because my sister is coming to visit. Last time I saw her, she was hugely pregnant with her second baby. Today she is flying in from Boston out of Logan airport. Her carry-on luggage consists of Max, age 3, and her new 5 month-old baby, Sam. Their plane took off about 20 minutes ago.
In a few minutes I have to rouse Alex from bed to get ready to catch the bus for another day of 5th grade. I’ve already showered, and I’m pouring my coffee when the phone rings.
•Did you see the news?? my mom asks. •Turn on the TV.?
I click it on and struggle to focus. When I do, the world as I know it comes to a screeching halt.
My family is from •back east?. I went to college in Albany - just a couple hours drive from the Big Apple. Another sister lived in Yonkers and worked in Manhattan, as did many of her friends and husband•s relatives. A couple of my friends were working in Manhattan too.
“What the hell? It’s the Twin Towers!?
•They don’t know what happened yet.?
•Geez, it looks really bad! What time are you and dad leaving to pick up Deanne from Denver??
•In about half an hour. Their plane doesn’t get in until this afternoon.?
•OK. Have a safe trip.?
We used to go to New York at least once a year. Never went to the Statue of Liberty, though. Too touristy. We hung out at Rockefeller Center, went to Little Italy for real cannolis, cruised Chinatown, stood in line for cheap tickets to Broadway plays, avoided Times Square and taking the subway.
I dial my parent•s phone number.
“Hey! They think somebody flew a plane into the building! Oh my God! Did you see that? One just went in to the other tower!?
•Oh my God! Oh my God!?
•I’m gonna call the newsroom to see if they know anything.?
My heart is beating so fast. I can•t breathe. My hands are shaking so badly I have trouble dialing the number.
“Hey Kathy. It’s Lynn. Do you guys know what’s going on? My sister is flying in from Boston this morning with her babies.?
This can•t be happening, I think. This doesn’t happen to us. Not stuff like this.
“OK,? she says slowly, deliberately. •Do you know what airlines she was on??
My stomach lurches. Why would that be important? Why is she asking me that? Think, damn it, think.
•I think it was United.?
I will always admire and be grateful for the way Kathy sensed my mounting
hysteria and struggled with answering my question. I will never forget what she said next.
•They think some planes were hijacked by terrorists. They’re not sure which airlines, but one of them left out of Boston at about 9:15.?
About the time Deanne•s plane left.
I hang up and stand in the middle of my bedroom. I am numb. Almost paralyzed. “This can’t be happening,? I repeat over and over.
My sister. Her babies.
In the few minutes it takes to get Alex to the bus, the news is coming fast and furious. We had a vague idea of what happened. Two planes, two towers. Another plane crashed into a field somewhere.
•Mom, did you try and call Deanne??
•I tried her cell phone. There’s no service. What did they say at the Sentinel??
How do you find the words to say it? If you say it will it make it real? How do you wrap your mind around believing you just saw your sister and your two nephews blown into tiny pieces across the Manhattan skyline?
•I’m coming over.?
Somebody please! What the hell is happening?
My mom calls and says she•s going to a neighbor’s. I meet her there. She and dad are dressed and ready to leave for Denver to meet the plane.
“Oh my God! The tower just collapsed! Oh my God! What is happening? Where are my babies?
Those words came out of my mother’s mouth. They were ripped out of the mouths and hearts of more than 3,000 mothers that day.
Where are my babies?
Many, too many, left behind babies they never saw, didn’t even know they were going to have.
By the grace of God, my sister and her babies were not on that plane. They had seats on the next one out, scheduled to leave twenty minutes later. She finally got a call out to say they were safe. The kids were okay. Max was eating pizza. Twenty minutes.
A few days later the e-mails started coming. The first college classmate missing. The second, a third, then a fourth. The messages kept coming. Then they got worse. Remains identified. Bodies recovered. Funerals pending.
The chaplain at my college and the chaplain then for the F.D.N.Y., Father Mychal Judge, the first to die when he was struck by debris. The best man at my sister’s wedding, Lt. Joseph Leavey, from Ladder 15, F.D.N.Y., the first unit on the scene.
The World Trade Center. The Pentagon. American Flight 11. American Flight 77. United Flight 175. United Flight 93.
“Mom, is the outside light on??
•No, honey, why??
"I just think you should turn the light on.•?
It will help him. To have the light on. Those bastards robbed him, robbed us all, of so much. Of feeling safe. Ever. Again.
I will never forgive. Some things are beyond the capacity of human forgiveness.
And I will never, ever forget.
By Richie Ann Ashcraft
Saturday, September 9, 2006
September is National Baby Safety Month.
Here are some tips to prevent accidental injury (the number one cause of death for children under the age of 14 in the U.S. according to Kellen Communications) that I thought were actually pretty good. I've taken the liberty of paraphrasing and condensing just to get to the point quickly.
#1 Mouthwash...contains high levels of alcohol that could really hurt your kid.
#2 Antifreeze...not good for the dog or the kid. Main ingredient is ethylene glycol which is very very toxic.
#3 Window treatments with hanging cords...Pose strangulation risk. Replace them or repair with a free retrofit safety device available here
#4 Latex Balloons...could cause suffocation when balloons are deflated. Don't buy Mylar (the shiny ones) balloons for little kids.
#5 Windshield Washer Fluid...can cause blindness if ingested. Seriously...I did not know that. Not like I'd let a kid drink it anyway but I guess it's really bad news.
#6 Funiture and Appliciances....they tip over so anchor them to the wall.
#7 Oleander....popular flower in beds and just a single leaf ingested could kill your child. Don't buy it and don't plant and don't burn it if you have it because the smoke is lethal too.
#8 Dieffenbachia and Philodendron....common houseplants that contain oxalates that can cause extreme pain and inflammation if chewed.
These suggestions are from the new book, "The Safe Baby: A Do-it-yourself Guide to Home Safety" by Debra Holtzman. Visit her site herehttp://www.thesafetyexpert.com/
. I'm definately bookmarking this one.
By Robin Dearing
Friday, September 8, 2006
Like riding a two-wheel bike, losing baby teeth is one of those childhood events that mark the burgeoning independence of every child.
Margaret has lost 6 baby teeth so far and she's yet to have a loose tooth.
It's a bummer, she's had to have 6 teeth pulled so far in order to allow those seemingly giant adult teeth to move on in.
She had the two bottom teeth pulled in February because her adult teeth were coming in behind the baby ones — like shark teeth. The adult teeth quickly moved forward and filled the gap. But we were warned that having the top adult teeth come in behind the baby ones could cause problems, so we followed the pediatric dentist's advice and had them pulled.
This procedure was more difficult than the first time. It required more shots of novicaine (we never told her that she had shots in her mouth, but she sure felt them this time) and she cried a bit when the teeth were pulled.
The dentist worked quickly and she rebounded faster than I would have.
Bill and I did our best to comfort her but it wasn't until she was told that she could pick a prize did her sober attitude turn sunny again.
Even though she needed gauze pads to staunch the blood oozing from her gums, she still mustered the ability to tell the dental assistant how she conquered the two-wheeler.
To give her a little time to recover, I brought Margaret back to my office so she could rest before heading back to school. Once she started to feel better, she proudly paraded her little envelope full of baby teeth around the office and showed anyone who would look.
My co-workers are wonderful people who oh'd and ah'd over the pieces of ivory and the bloody holes in her mouth.
By lunchtime, she was back to her normal self (such as it is) and I took her back to school. Her class was sitting quietly for story time when she walked in. One giant toothless grin and she had completely disrupted the class. One boy was agog as he said, "How'd you lose all those teeth?"
She beamed, her war wounds were appropriately recognized.
Thursday, September 7, 2006
Here’s the thing.
Denial can be your friend. Ignorance sometimes truly is bliss. And things that you don’t know about are things that you don’t need to deal with.
But dang, sooner or later you’re gonna find out that your kid is doing things, saying things or behaving in ways that are not acceptable to you. And when you find out, you have to deal with it.
I hate that part.
Discipline is constant. Discipline is eternal. Discipline never gives up. (Is that in the bible somewhere?)
I’m not talking punishment. That’s a whole different topic. I’m talking the constant vigilance that comes with being a parent. Especially a single parent. (Did I get any sympathy points with that one? Mmmm, didn’t think so.)
I like one of Webster’s definitions of discipline: behavior in accord with rules of conduct; behavior and order maintained by training and control.
So discipline involves patrolling the fine line between respecting privacy boundaries and knowing at all times what your kid is doing and with whom he’s doing it. It’s about sticking your nose where your kid would just as soon you never stick it, and being able to smell if there’s anything amiss. And when something doesn’t pass the sniff test, you need to instill behavior in accord with rules of conduct. You need to train and control – in a good way.
That’s the part I hate. I’m the mom. I’m the milk and cookies girl. I don’t want to do the discipline thing! I like the sand around my head! I don’t want to start yet another conversation with, “Alex, I’d like to talk about . . . . “ or, “Alex, we’ve had this conversation before . . . “ or, “Alex, how many times do I have to tell you . . . “.
But because I’m a good parent - yes Alex, I am - I must do the discipline thing. Constantly. Eternally. Without ever giving up. But I’m so tired of it! Why can’t they just get it the first time and blindly obey, dangitall?
Even though I’m a good parent, I don’t think I’m the best disciplinarian. I have good intentions, but sometimes lack the follow-through. I’d rather hang out with my friend Dee Nial. She’s just so easy to get along with.
By Richie Ann Ashcraft
Wednesday, September 6, 2006
“YOUR son is so spoiled,? the phone conversation started.
Soren is definitely a Daddy•s boy.
Right now there is nobody in this world funnier, smarter, or taller than his Dad. I’m really just Daddy’s sidekick who happens to feed him.
And Daddy is just as smitten with his little boy.
We spent a night at Trapper’s Lake Lodge
to celebrate our wedding anniversary. An undisclosed location near the lake was the site for our elopement last year.
Our cabin was clean and cozy. The lodge cuisine was good home cooking. Being the only baby guest, Soren was oohed and ogled over. He milked it by flirting with waitress and offering a big (still toothless)
grin to everyone we met.
We celebrated the anniversary with a HUGE hike to Wall Lake. It is five miles straight up a mountain, then of course five miles straight down which isn’t any easier. Marty had to entice me with promises of cheeseburgers and hot tub as rewards. “They’re called the Flat Tops Richie…just get up this next part and it’ll be flat.? Phew...ok.
Daddy carried Soren the entire way. Not in a snuggly or a backpack, but right in his arms. He now weighs 15 pounds and he wiggles!
But Daddy didn•t care. He just trudged along, stopping every so often to wait for panting Mommy to catch up. When they stopped, Daddy showed Soren the burned trees, let him feel the bark, taste the wild raspberries, showed him the stinky horse poop, and chatted nonstop.
Soren loved it and listened with rapt attention. He’d interject a screech or razz.
Daddy would make up songs and dance up the trail. “No baby no cry…?
At the lake, the baby was finally given to me to feed and change. I offered to carry the butterball through the flat meadow because I knew he had to be a heavy burden.
Daddy walked ahead on the narrow horse trail, turning around like a giant monkey grunting and scratching his armpits every so often as we walked. Each time Soren would laugh hysterically.
Dad would turn into a giant crab pinching his belly with clicking crustacean noises. And the nonstop chatter of the two pals continued.
When my arms were breaking off, I gave the baby back to dad and tried my own funny business. I was the monkey mom saying oooggaa oooggaa in my best monkey voice.
They both looked at me patiently but with no smiles. Apparently, moms don•t make funny monkeys.
Daddy would proudly show the baby off each time we met someone on the trail, bragging about his age and beaming when he was told how much they look alike.
Soren had to take a few catnaps on the long walk. As I was puffing along to catch up, I watched Marty unconsciously smooth his white blond hair with a kiss nestling the baby’s head into the curve of his neck.
I made a good decision marrying that man. I know exactly why Soren and I love him so much.
By Robin Dearing
Tuesday, September 5, 2006
They keep coming faster and faster, these milestones.
Sunday Margaret learned to ride a two-wheeler.
And boy, am I exhausted.
At first it took both Bill and I holding on and jogging while Margaret tried to gain some control over the pink, Barbie bicycle that Santa brought two Christmas's ago. The girl seemed to be completely lacking in balance.
But as we ran and she veered and shimmied, she eventually started gaining some control.
Then we learned that it only took one of us to hold the seat and keep her from running to trees and fences — and believe me, it was a good thing, too, because we were getting worn out.
So we took turns running up and down the block holding the seat upon which my baby sat.
Then she was doing it, she was riding her bike and I was letting go.
The instant it happened I started to get that feeling, that one I get whenever Margaret reaches one of those milestones.
I immediately got a little misty-eyed and I was excited and just a touch sad. But then she wobbled and rode through the neighbor’s flowerbed and I lurched to grab a hold once again.
We laughed together at her crooked riding and she tried again.
By dusk, I was running behind her just to make myself feel better. She was doing it all by herself.
Monday's holiday began early for us as Margaret was anxious to eat her breakfast and ride her bike.
I put on my running shoes ... but I didn't need them. She was quickly leaving me in the dust. By noon she was riding around the block sans parents.
As she rode up to me, she said, "I'm so proud of myself. I can ride a two-wheeler all by myself!"
I'm proud, too.