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All Done

By Richie Ann Ashcraft
The best way to let something go is unconsciously; by the time you realize it's gone...it's just gone. Last week, a co-worker asked if Soren was still breastfeeding. I started to say yes, he still nursed at 5 a.m. but then I realized that I hadn't nursed him that morning. The night before he hadn't wanted to eat dinner because he snacked all day. At 1 a.m. he woke up cranky and hungry. It took a couple of hours for him to finally settle back down into a fitful hungry sleep. As soon as he woke, I sat him on a newspaper in the middle of the living room floor with a muffin and a glass of milk and hurriedly made breakfast. I was running late for work rushing to get out of the house on time. I guess the thought of nursing never crossed either of our minds. The next morning at 5 a.m. I waited to see what would happen if I didn't rush to his side. Within a few minutes he was asleep again. At 7 a.m he was happy with his milk and muffin pre-breakfast snack. He hasn't nursed since. It's all done...just like that. Despite what I said here I did finally find the joy in breastfeeding. It changed from a chore I had to do 12 times a day to just a few times a day. After returning to work, I began to look forward to going home to hold and cuddle by baby boy. The feedings dropped off and I guess I started to really cherish those few minutes we had to ourselves in the pre-dawn hours. I'll admit I've felt sad and weepy about it all week. I never knew that quitting...the moment I had looked forward to for so long...would make me feel so blue. Had I known the day was coming, I would have said goodbye the last time he nursed. Now the moment is just gone.