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Carrots on submarines

By Robin Dearing

There’s nothing like having your doctor just blurt out that you’re old. Or at least suggest your malady is age related, further providing that you’re old or at the very least getting old.

I had a spot on my shoulder that I was convinced was ringworm. Disgusting, but easily treatable. When I showed it to the doctor, I expected him to confirm my diagnosis and treatment. But instead he had the gall to say it was, indeed, not ringworm, but submarine carrot-osis … OK, probably not that, but something like that.

He assured me it was benign and nothing to worry about and that submarine carrot-osises grow on old people like barnacles.

I really like our family doctor, but being told I have a condition associated with advanced age was disheartening to say the least. He went on to say that there was no need to do anything about it.

No need to do anything about a barnacle on my shoulder? I think not. I was very happy to have him freeze and scrape the thing off even if it risked leaving a scar. I’d much rather have a scar than an old-lady barnacle.

So, if having my barnacles scraped off my hull makes me vain, call me a vain lady without barnacles, please.


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Ha ha! I have a small round bump on my arm and my derm actually called it a barnacle! She said I should file it with a nail file. I pretty much want them to take a laser to my whole body and make me 13 again. Sigh.

Yes, Richie, I want full body laser treatments too. Just say No to barnacles.

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