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No-sleep techniques

By Richie Ann Ashcraft
Dear Drs. Sears and Ferber: I've tried both of your "putting baby to sleep" methods and neither one seems to be working. Letting the baby cry makes my ears ring and pulls violently at my apron strings. One glance at that sad tear-covered, itty-bitty face will make even the hardest of hearts melt including yours, Mr. Cold-hearted Ferber. Getting up to pat, hold and comfort isn't so bad the first night, Dr. Sears. but what bout the 10th, 15th and 20th night? What then, smarty pants, huh? Your books should come with a free prescription for Xanax and No-Doze and a warning which states: May cause drowsiness. Parents of infants should not operate heavy machinery, drive, work or engage in any other activities that require any kind of mental function whatsoever. Obviously, your children sleep so could you please publish another book titled "How to get your baby to sleep before you die of exhaustion — we mean fer reals, this time" because I could really use it. Yawn, Richie