The Window Bird Feeder…and “WINGING”

4-11-11

What up? What's the 4-1-1...?...

Well Hello There...

Welcome to Fantasy Island!.....4-10-11 Top-O-Mt. Garfield ...

Spring is here and so is the opportunity for another Summer of Gobbling up the warm weather and all that there is to do in this wonderful part of the world....Do I seem extra -peppy to you? I am like a bird on a full feeder of delicious Bird food....Where and how is Bird Food made? I have no idea....and how do the birds know how to find a bird feeder? Questions for someone ... oh so wiser than me...

(The Suction cup Bird Feeder...waiting for customers....)

I've gotten old real quick ...let me explain...I moved my office into a spare bedroom, and once I was set up... the first thing I thought about...which I had Never thought about before...was getting one of those bird feeders that stick to the window. Like ...I needed the power to have the Birds come to me...and prove they can do more than poop on my car...My only customers so far to Dave's Fly-by diner have been of the 'Finch' variety...what if the finch was from France and ate corn flakes? A flake eating french Fench...named Dame Wench? Anyhoo...I was distracted by a shiny object....

Now, what were we talking about? Oh yes...Finch...my little customer. A red one....who has gotten use to me looking at him looking at me while he is digging through the seed...looking for the perfect little taste morsel while spreading and shedding seeds all around. 

My first thought, it just seems silly to give away bird seed for free...but that's how I roll. Give the little Birdies what they want ...will they be appreciative? Who knows...but I will tell you...since I put up my Window bird feeder...less poop on the car!  Might just be my imagination, but I think I have struck a chord with the Finch nation...one bird at a time, I'm gonna go on tour with my Brand new "WINGING " campaign...Charlie Sheen has nothing on Finch Nation.    

RANDOM Thoughts:

- Bakes, Brains, Bikes and Night Birds...what moves you is usually what you don't see coming...

- Markeing Genius that I am...shouldn't they call the Starbucks in Texas...The 'Lone Star' Bucks? 

- Nerds celebrate...Most if not all pop songs you hear on that top 40 station are written by some shaggy T-shirt wearing, coffee drinking computer-lov'in Geek...staring at his Apple Computer and mix'in beats to the tune of that binary beat in his head...and finally...

- "Cart Justice"...Rogue carts slamming into cars last night at Wally World thanks to Karma Winds...  Lazy People don't take advantage of the wonderful body they were given...they treat it lake a landfill...Too Bad too sad...

Okay Yesterday ...I was feeling it...so I Hiked Mt. Garfield , and then drove over to the Redlands and scurried up Liberty Cap...and then went to Gold's Gym ...and then had a Take-and-Bake Pizza ...and then...there is today...and I would love to do it again...

Mt. Garfield and My Foot...one of Two that got me there...4-10-11

Liberty Cap...My Thumb...Opposable and very necessary. 4-10-11...

Oh...and Kramer...doesn't really care about the Bird Feeder....or 'WInging'....

Go do something productive...

DAVE 

Totally Useless “Ice Cream’ and Coconuts.

Hello There....

When Twitter fluttered onto the scene people were like “ what can you say in a 140 characters or less that’s meaningful?...It’s useless…” So is Ice cream …so should we do away with that? Bobbleheads and Lava Lamps serve no real purpose, they’re distracting really...but people seem to enjoy them. The Hula Girl(s) that sit on my desk and the 12 year-old cat in my lap aren’t really adding to society or helping with world issues…so should I say “C’este la vie?” … “Scat Cat!...And you with the Grass Skirt!...yeah you….Hula-hoop right off my desk you Tropical beauty!”

What I would really find useless is a Zip line to everywhere I need to be on a daily basis…useless to you maybe…but zippy to me. ..Dave of the urban jungle Zipping above the hustle and bustle of the 4-way stops and roundabouts …with the ease of a “Fabio-esque” flyer. Without all the flair of the hair and the chest of an Adonis …although Charlie Sheen has given me flashbacks of my last drinking binge with his repeated use of Adonis DNA and Tiger’s Blood…oh wait!...there is another useless item…the Charlie Sheen. Although he seems to connect with a section of our society starved for more than the banal, raw and now mind numbing reality T.V. that scars the airwaves and minds of adults…I’m not worried about the kids…they’re resilient! It’s us middle-age ‘40 somethings’ that I’m concerned with!...What’s that stuff doing to my already impressionable and wishy-washy brain? I’m close to mid-life crisis here!…And seeing Snooki and Sheen cracking up could just send me to Survivor Island where I would be the weird cast member who starts eating his shoes while saying “yummy!” with a devilish grin…over and over and over…While staring wild-eyed at the other contestants from atop a coconut tree…battling a monkey for a banana. And throwing my own poop. Reality Shows are the Acid of the middle-aged…Why? Because my reality is getting distorted…see…kids they think that’s normal so they are Twittering and Facebooking and Skyping their way through a flowery field of Social Networking…while people my age are looking awkward and distorted trying to keep up and be ‘Kool’ ….But… texting “Keep on Truck’in”…loses a lot of meaning from the ‘send’ button to the receiver…most times the response is…”?”.

(Topsail Beach, NC  Jolly Roger Pier. courtesy: Surf City Steve)

Yup …It burns…the smell of my 46 year-old recovering alcoholic brain…when the drain of social media and strain of crappy T.V. soaks its way through my cranium and oozes into my synapses …The lines are getting BLURRED!... or do I just need reading glasses?...either way ...I do what most middle-aged men do…Snap into a Nap…!

Then, I wake–up ...regroup and pretend its all a dream and I’m back on that North Carolina beach where I grew up in the 70’s the Sun making everything soft and shadowy …the smell of the ocean…the constant ‘cush…cush…” of the waves slapping the wet sand, me smelling of coconut tanning oils …on my banana bike…making my way to the Jolly Roger Pier, the squeel and squak of the seagulls fills the thick air…the flyers calling out to each other and reminding the lethargic loungers below to beware of unexpected ‘hellos’ from above…the wheels turning and making a ‘crispy’ sound against the tattered beach pavement glittered with sand…I park my bike and head barefoot up the splintery wood steps of the pier…to the bait shop…to get some of that cool and totally ‘useless’…ice cream.

Dave.

BONUS:

The 'Pinto El Camino' 

I was Beside and Behind this Car on Wednesday, March 16th 2011, The rare Hybrid 'El Camino PINTO'...that apparently survived the "Cash for Clunkers Program" ....and yes that is a Crack in Your Computer Screen ...not my Windshield...Didn't they stop making Pintos in March of 1974?...Beware the Pintos of March!

Dave

Numb to Narcissism and Girl Scouts Taking back our Streets!

Hello and Welcome to the almost Ides of March…!
(that would be March 15th to you and me)

Ad on Craigslist - Los Angeles, under “Talent” section:  “Have you slept with Charlie Sheen?” 

Can you believe that? That ad shouldn’t be under talent…that should be in the: ‘for sale section” those folks at Craigslist really need to get organized.

(cartoon Courtesy of fr.toonpool.com/cartoons/voter%20apathy_43103)

I’m not really surprised by anything anymore…take for instance right here in Mesa County…We have Craig Meis as a county commissioner? I say “Meh…” doesn’t surprise me…I’m ambivalent…Most people are complacent…and really don’t care about politics. You get what you vote for.

It’s like life really…everybody is all peeved about taxes. But when your kids start getting taught by some homeless guy tapped to substitute because REAL teachers are getting laid off …then you might care…Although a class in ‘panhandling’ might be more lucrative than a government job these days…and it would clear out the corners in Grand Junction, especially on First and over at the Rimrock Shopping Center.

Those are, by the way considered High Class Hobo ‘Cha ching!” spots…Oh!... and don’t forget the Puppy mills in the Parking lots there in front of Lowe’s and the Dollar Store…I’m torn as who to give my money to…the Faux Hobos, the puppy breeders …or just say “screw it!” and go pay $10-bucks for a Red Robin Burger…they do have unlimited French fry baskets! Yummy!

But …if you want to know the truth…I think the Girl Scouts might be the answer to our Homeless problem…they are tough little sales-people and…I think they could take back our corners …I would gladly give the Green Beret Wearing, Cookie Smelling… little Sales Entrepreneurs my hard earned cabbage rather than the guy who smells like cabbage…just say’in. I say we just arm the Girls and their Troop Leaders with Cookies, the American Spirit of Capitalism and unleash them in our Streets! Offer them a “I ran off a HOBO’ badge …compliments of Curtis Sliwa and his band of Guardian Angels…
Or just Take a page or two from Egypt and Libya…”Free at last …free at last!”… The corners would be ours again and none of us would have to pretend we’re texting as to not look at the Homeless Dude on the Corner. Nothing like Sipping on a Starbucks and a $5-dollar Foot long and looking at the Homeless Guy and saying…”Sorry Dude…I got no Change!”…” Want a sun chip?”…

Life aint fair…get over it.

Monday…March 7th…I celebrate 4 years of not having to pick up a drink of alcohol. Biggest Question I get on a daily basis…”Do ya miss it?’…the Quick answer? Sure I do…some of it…the nice relaxing buzz…but I don’t miss the Crazy Ass, Charlie Sheen and Mel Gibson and Lindsay Lohan aspect of the way “I” Drank! I was a terrible drinker…I sucked at it. So …I figure if I tried to play the guitar and got booed off the stage for 25 years…just for fun I might just switch careers …just to see if there is something better than being booed off the stage. Drinking sucked…but I didn’t know what else to do. So I was stuck. And getting Sober?....I didn’t do it alone…it was a team effort to get this ‘Villiage Idiot’ off the sauce…Sooo….to all of you that got me sober, my TRUE friends…the Salvation Army Rehab and MBC Grand Broadcasting…ALL the people that have Truly stood by me …The best gift I can give you …is to try this sober thing for another 4 years or 40? …who knows what I can do sober? I just know what I couldn’t do…and that was drink ‘normally’…Life is pretty good today…I still have shitty days…but trust me…they ain’t nothing like my drinking days…I have just found if you want a better life…you gotta work for it and truly want it, And be willing to sacrifice. Most people aren’t …that’s their issue …not mine.

Don’t get me wrong…there are days…when this world of Sarcasm, Cynicism ...Carcissism and Stupid…takes its toll…things ...like Reality TV and lids on yogurt... that make me really ...want to get a Trailer in the Middle of Utah and make my own Beef Jerky and sell fireworks and Alien Trinkets while Drinking Cheap beer all day long...
But that’s plan ‘Z’…right now I’m only on Plan ‘B’ and that’s working pretty good on this planet for me …right now.

Dave Allgood

You Can Hear Dave's  'Allgood News' 3 Times a Day on 6 of MBC Grand Radio Stations including: The Moose 100.7, KSTAR 96.1, KNZZ 1100, The Vault 92.3 and Magic 93.1.

You can also visit his Website: TheAllgoodNews.Com    for all his uplifting stories on People who live and work right here on the Western Slope.

http://theallgoodnews.com 

Quiznos? Why that sounds foreign to me! We already gots the Glade Park Grand Prix!

March 3rd, 2011

Howdeeee! 

Race? Race? We don’t need no Stink’in 2- wheeled , sissy-fide race sponsored by a samich companee….! The Colorado National Monument already has a race everyday! Gawh!...What’s wrong with ya'll!

 It’s called the Glade Park Grand Prix!

It’s exciting too! All sorts of Classes! You got the No Muffler Pick-me-up Truck…you got the 100-ton Dualee-thingy-ruin-the-road dumpy Truckys ! They Go fastsssss and makes lots of noises! I even seen me a Pinto once! Them’s the ones that’s got that finicky gas tank? You know?…that might’n splode on ya if’n you ain’t too careful. That’s why I got me some of them ‘Yosemitie Sam Mud flaps’ for my 1971 non-emission super smokey truck that I’s race up that there’n hill on …Them flaps say “Back-Off” with ole Yosemite there hold’in him a couple of dose cartooney pistols! We gets to see us some cartoonies when dey have old-timey pie and moving pictures nights up in the grass by that domey thingy…its funnnnn! And Friday Nights ? Just t ry and Squeeze a Penny between all the Cars rac’in up that purdy National Monument…why it sounds and looks like New York CITY! Yee Haw!

And …the Glade Park Grand Prix keeps the East gate of the Monument Biz-EEEE! So I can’t imag’in they would have no times for any ole bicycle race. And Anyhoo… How’s I gonna gets to Walmart and Home Depots if’n I’s gots to go downs Little Parks access….??? I Pay my Taxes and dang’it …I’m gonna Race down that hill liken everyobee else! !!!!

I’ do likes the challenge of RAC’in and Rubb’in! Just like thems NASCAR boys! When I come scream’in down to that East gate…I’m just look’in for that checkered flag!…I made it in 3 mins once…It was more of an accident really...My Brakes went out on my 1976 Monte Carlo! 'He He'... Imagine that…~! I don’t remember much…just’n that People were really scream’in at me …I think’s they were cheer’in me on…the way they were wav’in with such a sense of intensiteee…and runn’in away from my fast Monte Carlo …like they’d never sent anything likes it…Yup! It’s a Race evereeday on the Monument …We don’t see much wildlife on the East gate of the RACE …probably causen all da Rac’in and the noise and the smell…I still use leaded Gasoline! Make it myself…makes my car go faster! Secret ingredient? ‘lead!” as in Lead Foot! Hehehehe!!!....
And the Roads on the East side on our Race-Track? They get all ‘crackly’ and stuff… with pot-holes…causen we’s racin everyday!! Some say they should fixn it…I say it’s more of a challenz!
Nope... there’s not enough room for another race on the Monument…We been doing it for years…we don’t needs no strangers on 2-wheels com’in to our mountain and mess’in up things…

You know…they say that Monument is a Beaty-full Park…gotta be honest here…Never noticed…to me…It’s Point A to Point B!...I gotta tell ya…they need more Trash cans…Too..I got nowhere to throw my cans! Dang it!

OH …You know the best thing about Rac’in up the East Gate of the Monument? …I forgots…We don’t even have to PAY! It’s FREE! … to RACE! It’s Better than that Bananas Fun Park! WE just say somtun like “ Hey Park person…(he he)…I live up on Glade Park,…(Hehe)…” and they believe us! Imagine that! It’s toooo much!!!! 

So if’n you want to Race up that there Colorado National Monument…Just tell ‘em you’re coming to see me…I don’t live there…but they don’t know that!
…and they’ll give you the ‘Green Flag!” …and “Shazammm! “ You is off to the Races! 4 Miles of Gett’in it on!!! Up our own personal Race Track dodging tourists and them bikers in them circus shorts…( they don’t like it when you get close! They 'hem and Hollar' and give ya that one fingered Saloot …he he he he! )

NOPE…we are just fine with no Quiznos silly Bikey RACE …we got this under control…ANd Heck everybody knows that Qrazy Quiznos Bicycle Race? It would interfere with the Mission of the Monument! DUH!....To provide a safe and Zippy Highway up to Glade Park! Gawh!  I am smarter than a Prairie Dawg! 

You want a challenge? Just try and find one of them Horny Sheep on the East Side of the Race Track!...Gooooddddd Luck! Yuk yuk yuk! 

Anyhoo…I gotta put this in the Mail and race on up back to the “Park” Dat’s funny really…Race on up!…we race all the time…!

The really Funny Part about all this talk’in about Bikey Rac’in …? Nobody Asked me…! …(pause) …hahahahahahahahaha….But then they didn’t have too…I don’t live there…I just race it!

Oh and Here's the Kicker! If you want to see me Race?...It's gonna cost ya more this year! The Folks at the Park ...They just raised the Price for you "Non-Rac'in" Folk to step into my Lair of Rac'in-ness! And See me doing what I do...Free for me...too bad for you...Nana nana Boo Hoo! Don't cry too much little non-Rac'in babies!  

Soooo... as my Favorite Race Car Driver, Ricky Bobby  says..."Shake and Bake Ya'll!" and " If you ain't first...You're Last!"   See you at the Top~! DAng...Is that a critter on my Hood? Dinner! Damn...I'm funny! 

LOL!   (wink!...)

XXOO

Davey

Presidents and The First Baptist Church of Karaoke…

February, 2011

Hello...

I have fond memories of Presidents Day. Dad would wake us, dressed as William Taft and Scream "American Sumo!” …and then challenge us kids to a grappling match. I was only 9...it was a challenge...my sister told him he was crazy…and my mom would just knock back a vodka and say sarcastically “William Taft? You couldn’t be a Kennedy or Reagan could you?”… He would also dress up as Betsy Ross and crochet Beanie Babies and fuchsia French Berets and sit in a rocking chair and sing Broadway tunes...yup...President's Day has a special place in my heart. My Memory is not so good.

President’s Day is also a great personal reminder of the only American Leaders I will probably ever see coming out of my wallet…’Washington’s’ and ‘Lincoln’s’ …I’d really rather see a statesman pop out of my pocket… “Why hello Mr. Benjamin!” More ‘Zeros’ on the ‘Dineros!’ And by the way…I think the Turkey would have made a fine fowl for our great country! What’s that you say? Go fly a kite? Electrifying!

Gas prices are up…I’m already missing the NFL and can’t wait until Baseball season. Please don’t tell me NASCAR Is a sport…so is bowling, Jenga and slow pitch softball. Although …there is nothing quite so entertaining as an out-a-shape 40 year-old man trying to lay down an illegal drag-bunt and hopping and humping his  way to first…trying not pull a hammy or trip over the first base bag. Even better…a beered-up shortstop trying to bend over to field a hot potato screaming his way and falling forward as the ball goes trickling into left field…I TAKE IT BACK~! Slow Pitch Softball is a Sport! and Bowling is a ‘Sportlette’…(not quite a sport but …you can enjoy a beer, a smoke and wear cool shoes…no different than a Disco…)

If you want REAL NASCAR Action…just head to your local quick change oil and lube place…you’ll get your fix of those high pitched drilly-things and men covered in oil…wearing jumpsuits, sporting 70’s Porn Mustaches and seeming a little creepy in a ‘car kinda’ way…or even better take your car to a Tire Place and challenge the guy to a lug-nut-off! Just grab the air gun and start taking off any lug nut you see…drop the tire and run to the nearest toolbox and then yell ...”16 Seconds! Damn I’m Good!” You can always apologize later… 

I’m hoping to bring southern charm here to the Western Slope with my First Baptist Church of the Karaoke…Song, Scripture and pass the offering plate…one parishioner …who signs up… at a time. I’d rather hear Sally Strickland from pew # 3 belting out her Gospel version of Prince’s ‘Little Red Corvette’ than some has been wanna-be, Gap Jean wearing, AXE Body Spray wearing, 40 year-old belting out some Rock & Religious song I’ve never heard of …with his eyes shut like he’s Really “feeling it!”
Sally or Gloria would do just fine and get the message across nicely…a little Led Zeppelin ‘Stairway to Heaven’ coming from Grandma would be refreshing don’t you think? I would put one of my Washington’s or maybe even a Lincoln in the Offering Plate…or even toss ‘em in the Tip Urn…

Random Thoughts:
- I liked (past tense) Operation Repo on TRU tv…Until I found out …that the incidents are not real at all…they are ‘REENACTMENTS ‘…That’s not TRU at all…I’m a little disappointed…They shoot it as REAL…They do put a disclaimer at the beginning of the show…I just noticed it the other day…DUH DAVE!

- Peanut Butter is called a Spread? You mean all these years I’ve been eating the Margarine of Peanut Butters? It’s not even all Peanuts? Son-of-a B&*$@#!
Come to Find out Jif and Skippy and Peter Pan are all shams! The only real nut is natural …and Tom Arnold... Mel Gibson is kind of Nutty, so is Robin Williams and Russell Crowe…Anyhoo It's Always Peanut Butter Jelly Time! Check out this Link...It'll make you laugh...or Dance?  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s8MDNFaGfT4 

Toodles for Now

Dave

Hey!
Check out my Latest Allgood News…You can here it on the Radio or just go to my Website. This week is about Kelly Murphy … She left her dysfunctional husband 6 years ago…taking her 7-month old daughter and what she could fit in the car…She did it because sometimes you have to break the chain and cycle of craziness…and now? She is the proud owner of a Habitat for Humanity Home…Her journey is one of Courage and Hope. Check it out on my Website…http://theallgoodnews.com