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Let’s Drink to the Grammy Awards

By David Goe



Drizzy Drake knows what's up. 

 

In the past I’ve railed against the Grammy Awards calling them “soul-sucking, over-hyped, bloated, and music’s biggest fraud.”

With age though comes new-found maturity, and I’m now willing to admit the entire production has some merit.

The Grammys can profoundly change career arcs for under-appreciated musicians. Last year, for example, more than 25 million people watched the Grammy Award broadcast. Surprise Album of the Year winner Beck saw album sales for “Morning Phase” jump 36 percent thanks to the television broadcast. More people now know Beck’s genius thanks in large part to the show.

With the 2016 show right around the corner (Sunday, February 15), there are plenty of story lines worth following. Maybe someone such as Leon Bridges gets the breakthrough he deserves via music’s biggest night.

Instead of delving into those stories and the inevitable controversy that comes with the award show, let’s try something different this year.

With a marathon run time, the Grammy broadcast, sometimes entertaining, sometimes boring beyond belief, needs a little boost to remain watch-able. Instead of hate-watching the show, I propose turning the Grammy broadcast into a drinking game because let’s face it, 2015 was a pretty boring year for music. Taylor Swift is going to win every award, and the only real shock of the ceremony will come from which starlet can remain taped into her dress the longest.

 

Drink ...

■ Every time you see Taylor Swift.

Swift, Grammy darling, savior of the entire music industry and local hero, is going to be on camera a lot. She is nominated for seven awards including Record of the Year, Album of the Year and Song of the Year. She’ll probably win them all because all the songs on “1989” are catchy as hell, and Swift’s good for business.

Remember, this is an entertainment TV show, and people love them some Swifty.

■ Every time someone makes a political joke/statement.

■ Any time you see someone wearing something you wouldn’t be caught dead in.

■ Every time host LL Cool J does the kiss into a peace sign hand gesture.

■ Any time someone shamelessly plugs their new album/song.

■ Any time a presenter flubs a line.

■ When someone you’ve never heard of wins an award.

 

Chug…

■ When Kendrick Lamar name drops President Barack Obama and/or Drake.

Lamar, who earlier this year was invited to the Oval Office to chill with Obama, found himself square in the middle of a rap battle with Drizzy, aka Drake, thanks in large part to the president himself.

Obama, going way off message, said that Lamar would beat Drake in a rap battle. In classic rap fashion, Drake responded, calling out the president with a diss track “Summer Sixteen.”

Lamar somehow managed 11 nominations, including Album of the Year and Rap Album of the Year for “To Pimp A Butterfly,” and a couple additional nominations thanks to his collaboration on Swift’s hit single “Bad Blood.”

The Compton rapper also is scheduled to perform at the Grammys. If he uses any of his TV time to shout out POTUS or Drake, you must chug ... because this rap feud is as ridiculous as it gets and legitimizing it on national TV would push it completely over the top.

■ Every time you see a forced duet/group performance.

The Grammys love to pair random musicians together for award night performances. Ranging from truly terrible to occasionally great, these duets are headed your way whether you like it or not.

Already scheduled to perform together are singer/songwriters James Bay and Tori Kelly, pop artists Andra Day and Ellie Goulding, and country superstars Sam Hunt and Carrie Underwood.

While these duets sound mildly interesting, don’t count out the Recording Academy forcing something truly terrible down your throat. Maybe The Weeknd and Tony Bennett? Ed Sheeran and The Chemical Brothers? Slipknot and Lee Ann Womack?

The sky is the limit on awfulness here.

■ If a male country presenter/performer/nominee is not wearing a cowboy hat.

■ Any time an official Recording Academy representative derails the show with a boring speech.

 

Finish Your Drink ...

When Meghan Trainor wins Best New Artist.

Trainor is neither the best nor is she a “new” artist. Her debut single “All About That Bass” charted June 2014 and was even nominated for a Grammy last year. If she steals this award from say, Courtney Barnett, a fresh young talent truly deserving of the award, then slam your drink with the hopes of whitewashing this debacle from your memory.

■ If you start crying during Adele’s performance (I mean, come on).

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