Blotter fodder: creepy naked guys and stupid drug code names



OK, Grand Junction criminals, I don’t mean to try to tell you how to do your jobs — I’m sure you’re great at crime and all — it’s just that based on what I read in the Blotter, some of you need serious help.

So my first tip is for you drug dealers out there: Please stop with the fake names for drugs, OK? Calling an ounce of cocaine “salsa” may seem incredibly clever to your inner circle, but keep in mind, your inner circle has had their brains fried.

In the recent major drug bust, it was revealed that dealers would use words like “chicken” in place of the word “meth.” This was done so that anyone in law enforcement listening in on their conversations would supposedly be thrown off the scent.

That would be a perfect strategy if most major poultry distributors were headquartered in Clifton apartments. Unfortunately, however, chicken typically does not cost $4,000, nor is it sold by the kilo. You want to throw police off your scent? Be honest. If you were to call up a customer and say: “Hey, Ryan. I am a drug dealer. Why don’t you come on over and I will sell you $2,000 worth of methamphetamines I recently acquired from Las Vegas, ha, ha,” I guarantee you anyone listening would move on.

TIP 2: If you’re going to shoplift from Walmart twice in one day, don’t do it at the same store. Instead, think it through, and do what two Grand Junction women are accused of doing March 30: shoplift from two DIFFERENT Walmarts on the same day. According to Grand Junction Police, the women were arrested at 10:30 a.m. at the Rimrock Walmart, then again at 2:35 p.m. at the North Avenue Walmart. I just want to know how that works. I mean, after you’ve been arrested in the morning, handcuffed, gotten the mug shot, bail and all that, how does the post-arrest conversation go?

First Woman: (walking out of the police station): Well that sucks.

Second Woman: No kidding. Who would have known that the world’s largest merchandiser would have security measures in place?

First Woman: So what do you want to do now? Get a defense lawyer? Seek out a counselor? Apologize for our mistakes and attempt to move forward with our lives in a happier, more positive direction?

Second Woman: Sure. Or we could shoplift from the other Walmart.

First Woman: I’ll drive.

TIP 3: Don’t assume people want to see you naked.

I bring this up because a week ago Monday a 43-year-old man was ticketed near Emerson Park “on suspicion of indecent exposure after he was seen walking down the sidewalk while not wearing pants or underwear.”

You would assume people would already know not to do this. Most of us were taught societal rules growing up: “Always hold the door open for a lady,” “Always write thank-you notes when receiving a gift,” “Don’t walk down Ute Avenue naked,” etc.

But here this 43-year-old is, along with a 57-year-old man who was arrested on April 26 on suspicion of indecent exposure “for allegedly pulling his pants down in front of two of his neighbors.”

Attention men 40 or older: I do NOT want to see you naked, OK? Actually I don’t want to see you men under 40 naked either, so let me make sure I clear that up.

But if you’re going to expose yourself, at least be young and in shape, because right now the indecent exposure business is being monopolized by creepy older guys. Just once I want to read the Blotter and see: “Police ticked three beautiful, buxom CMU cheerleaders who were exposing their tanned, well-toned bodies ...”

There are other tips, but I have to run. My wife told me to stop by City Market and pick up 3 kilos of chicken.

Reach Steve at beauregardsteve@


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