On the Goe: Double debauchery! Kiss AND Motley Crue here
I’ve got to hand it to Rock Jam. They’ve seriously outdone themselves with this year’s lineup. I mean, come on, Slaughter? Jackyl? Black Stone Cherry? Talk about a metal head’s wet dream. What could possibly be better than Quiet Riot rocking “Cum On Feel the Noize?”
Oh wait, what’s this? Let’s see ... Friday, Aug. 24, headliners, some bands called Kiss and Motley Crue.
Shut the strip club front door! Did you say Kiss and Motley Crue? Two of the most notorious and sordid rock bands in history, the complete embodiment of what it means to be a groupie banging, drug taking, wild child rock star?
Yes, that Kiss and Motley Crue. The legends are right here in our backyard.
That’s right fathers, lock up your daughters because it’s getting dirty tonight.
Does anyone remember how trashy downtown Grand Junction was when Bret Michaels dragged those “Rock of Love” skanks to the Mesa Theater for a gig?
Well, multiply that times a million and that’s what you can expect in the fields of Mack.
Each band’s exploits border more on mythology than factual history. Think about it, Nikki Sixx cannot be killed by conventional means. Gene Simmons is a living, breathing Eros, the great influence for erotica. Ace Frehley claims his guitar skills were passed to him from otherworldly beings.
Each band’s biography reads like the toga party Dionysus and Aphrodite wish they could have thrown. No Regrets and The Dirt. Pick up a copy today, and thank me in the morning.
If you are headed out to Rock Jam on Friday, and let’s not kid ourselves, this is the only night worth attending, then let’s talk strategy. First thing’s first. Make sure you are stocked up on penicillin. Kiss used to hit up doctor’s offices on tour looking for penicillin shots, you know, as a preventative measure.
Yeah, it’s important.
Second, wet wipes. If you are part of the Kiss Army and plan on doing the Kiss makeup, you need to be able to clean yourself off in the morning.
A long night of partying in black and white face paint runs the risk of waking up the next day looking like a Juggalo. Nobody wants that, especially the person you ended up spending the night with. They probably already feel terrible about mistaking you for Starchild, so don’t make it worse than it already is.
The biggest mistake you can make Friday night is heading out to Mack with the mind set that you’re going to party like these guys.
Listen, you’re not Vince Neil. You’re not rolling up to the front gate in the stretch Jacuzzi limo with armfuls of chicks. If you go out to hard, partying like the disillusioned head-banger you are, you’re going to miss the whole show.
I’m guessing if you’re a legitimate fan of Kiss and Motley Crue, and not someone out there for pure butt rock nostalgia, you’re too old to be partying like that, anyway.
Take a cue from the guys in the bands. They’ve all sobered up. Pace yourself and stay hydrated (and no, Jack Daniel’s doesn’t count). Remember, you’re in it for the long haul. Don’t be the loser who passes out before the after party starts.
Mack is going to be rock and rolling all night. If you were lucky enough to snag a ticket, have a blast.
Feel free to take my advice for what it’s worth or, as Motley Crue would say, “get as rude as possible and don’t let anyone tell you how to live.”