Fast food makes for slow people

Restaurant food portions are getting out of control. It’s getting to the point where one of these oversized, calorie-infested plates of excess cholesterol is going to wind up killing some fat fool. Probably me.

It’s no coincidence that these bigger portions are going hand in hand with our country’s growing obesity crisis. This trend was addressed a few years ago in the documentary “Supersize Me.” In the movie, Morgan Spurlock — a filmmaker who starts out with a healthy, normal weight — eats at McDonald’s three times a day for 30 days straight as part of an experiment to see if he could win an Oscar for Best Documentary.

At the end of the 30 days, it turns out he gains a lot of weight, which is sort of surprising considering he ate nothing but fast food and didn’t exercise. McDonald’s officials’ angry response to the film included the threat of lawsuits, denunciation of his tactics, and an extremely ugly incident at a McDonald’s parking lot in May of 2008, in which Spurlock was sexually assaulted by Ronald McDonald and the Hamburglar.

Still, the movie raises important points about the various sneaky marketing tricks these big conglomerates use to sucker us average folks into ordering more food. And evidence of the industries’ underhanded shenanigans is overwhelming. We can now pinpoint exactly the evil, greedy people who are directly responsible for the nationwide obesity crisis:

Fat people.

No, sorry. I meant to say fast food executives. They’re to blame — with their dirty tricks and all. Like how they’ll send in roving packs of armed men to break into people’s houses, whereupon they’ll drag the unsuspecting victim to the restaurant and force them — at gunpoint — to consume large quantities of fast food:

Fast food mercenary: (Pointing an AK-47 at the victim’s chest): “Eat this double cheeseburger now!”

Innocent customer: (Frightened): “But, but, all I wanted was a small salad and ice water.”

Fast food mercenary: (Cocking his gun): “Too bad. Eat it or die.”

Innocent customer: “What about this order of large fries and 32-ounce Coke?”

Fast food mercenary: “That too.”

Innocent customer: “Can I at least exercise afterward?”

Fast food mercenary: “Don’t even think about it.”

Innocent customer: “You guys have ice cream sundaes on your menu. Are you going to make me eat one of them, too? And if so, can I get butterscotch?”

But it’s not just the McDonald’s executives force feeding us these calories against our will. Remember how the Whopper used to seem so big, so filling? Now Burger King is tempting us with the Triple Whopper. I guess it’s designed for those people who — after gulping down a Double Whopper, super-sized fries, and large pop — say to themselves, “That’s all there is?”

I love to eat, but I think I’d have trouble just mustering up the courage to place an order for a triple cheeseburger. How many hamburger patties and cheese slices can they slap on a bun before you get start to get embarrassed to order it? How about we, as a society, make a vow that regardless of how much bigger portions get in the future, we’ll never order a cheeseburger that has more than, say, 14 patties.

And while we’re at it, you Subway people out there better not be snickering, acting all sanctimonious with your “healthy alternatives.” You and your $5 Chicken Bacon Ranch Footlong subs aren’t impressing anyone. I’ve got a news flash for you: a foot of bacon is not health food. In fact, the whole footlong thing bugs me. If you need a tape measure or yard stick to figure out how much food you’re eating, it’s too much.

And yet, all this talk about fast food has made me hungry. As I write this, I’m sitting here chowing down in a booth at McDonald’s. It’s nice, but hopefully someone can escort me to back to my car.

Because that Ronald McDonald and Hamburglar are giving me some really creepy looks.

E-mail Steve Beauregard at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).


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