Need advice? Ask the holiday expert

It’s that time of year when the Holiday Expert takes time out from his busy schedule of surfing the Internet for naked pictures of Angelina Jolie to answer your holiday-related e-mails.

He’s full of holiday cheer and is seeing the spirit of Christmas everywhere this year. In fact, he even just saw an elf. Then again, it could have been his daughter wearing green pajamas; the Holiday Expert has been drinking a lot of rum egg nog lately.

Q. Are you trying to be all politically correct? Instead of the “Holiday Expert,” shouldn’t you be the “Christmas Expert.”

A. You’re right.

Q. Well I’m Jewish. So how about “The Christmas/Hanukkah expert?”

A. Good point.

Q. But I celebrate Kwanzaa, so shouldn’t it be —

A. — OK, let’s just stick with the Holiday Expert.

Q. What do I do when someone gives me a gift I hate?

A. A fake smile can do wonders. Your wording is also important.

Do Say: “Hmmm. Nose hair trimmers. That was very thoughtful of you.”

Don’t Say: “Just out of curiosity, what is the return policy at Wal-Mart?”

Do Say: “Wow! A fake, wall-mounted singing bass. Thank you!”

Don’t Say: “Who told you I wanted this, and what is their physical address?”

Do Say: “I know we’ll enjoy this pasta maker.”

Don’t Say: “Great! I’ve always wanted to spend an extra two hours making dinner.”

Q. As an atheist, I don’t celebrate Christmas and am sick of you Christians jamming your holiday down my throat. Just stop it already, OK?

A. Fair enough. We’ll stop wishing you “Merry Christmas” when you start going into work on Dec. 25.

Q. What kind of tree do you recommend?

A. When it comes to Christmas trees, you basically have two options: the new, pretty artificial trees, or the traditional, old-fashioned trees you remember from your childhood: cannabis trees. I mention this because of a recent AP story, in which a self-described “old hippie” in Berlin was arrested after police discovered that his 2-foot-tall, decorated, lighted Christmas tree was actually a large pot plant.

Q. Does Santa still leave presents under a marijuana Christmas tree?

A. Only if you skip the milk and cookies and leave him Doritos instead.

Q. Can you tell me where the concept of Santa originated?

A. No.

Q.  Here are some actual lyrics to the song “O Christmas Tree.”

“O Christmas Tree! O Christmas Tree!

Much Pleasure Thou can’st give me.”

I’ve never heard of the word “can’st.” Does it mean the tree can give me pleasure or does it mean it cannot give me pleasure?

A. It means the tree can give you pleasure. Especially if it’s a marijuana tree.

Q. Did the Sheboygan Press in Wisconsin recently publish an odd Christmas-related story that you could use to pad this column’s word count?

A. Indeed. According to Sheboygan authorities, a 57-year-old woman intentionally bit off part of her husband’s tongue while kissing him. She then did what most criminals do after committing an act of violence: She went outside and sang Christmas carols. Soon after her injured husband called 911, police arrived and arrested her, but not before she blew a New Year’s Eve horn into the officer’s ear. News reports indicate this all began hours before, when she became angry when her husband went into the bathroom and tried to kiss her while she was on the toilet. (Which is only like the fifth-worst thing wrong with this story.)

Q. Can you imagine what the husband’s 911 call must have sounded like?

A. “Hellwo? I’d wike to weport a cwime.”

Q. What present should I get for my husband, the outdoorsman?

A. The camouflage Snuggie for hunters makes a perfect gift. Yes I know: the Snuggie itself is stupid. But this Snuggie has a camouflaged print. And you’ll definitely want that while hunting.

Q. So that you can sneak up on elk?

A. No. So that that the elk won’t see how ridiculous you look and start laughing.

That’s all for now. Merry Christmas, dear readers, and, like the old Christmas song goes, I hope your tree gives you a lot of pleasure this year.

# # #

E-mail Steve Beauregard at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).


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