Phat to be fat: Get ready for Fat Tire Festival with all things fat
The festival for the esteemed fat tire is riding now in Fruita with the four-day US Bank Fruita Fat Tire Festival.
It began with a VIP party Thursday night, April 24, and will continue through Sunday, April 27, with mountain bike rides, clinics, a expo with vendors and demos, live music and a beer garden.
In honor of the fat tire that makes taking on rugged singletrack possible — stick to the road, skinny tires — and the festival’s 19th year, here is a look at fat in all its glory (or not).
Full fat, lowfat, fat free, saturated, unsaturated, poly, mono, trans. It’s hard to know what to do with so much fat. And as if that weren’t enough, now we’ve got brown fat (good) and white fat (bad).
We’re tired of talking about and hearing about fat, so much so that some folks are actually calling sugar the new fat. It’s all because we went too far with the fat-free hype, added too much sugar and now we better get rid of it, too, since people are still fat.
Fat Albert (Part 1)
Fat Albert’s red shirt is huge! He has man-boobs, but he is cool. “Hey, hey, hey!”
Fat Albert and his group of friends starred in an animated cartoon series syndicated from 1972 to 1985. “Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids” was created by actor and comedian Bill Cosby, who also was the voice for Fat Albert.
In 2004, the movie “Fat Albert” was released. Fortunately, there have been no sequels.
Fat Albert (Part 2)
This Fat Albert is a Lockheed-Martin C-130 Hercules and part of the Blue Angels team. It’s more than 99 feet long, 38 feet tall, with a wingspan of more than 132 feet and a payload of 45,000 pounds (move aside Fat Albert in the red shirt), according to blueangels.navy.mil.
It transports personnel, supplies and equipment to the Blue Angels’ shows. It also makes flight appearances in the shows, so watch for this fat machine. The Blue Angels were last in Grand Junction in September 2012.
This rotund, red-headed “dead sexy” man from the Austin Powers series is a quote machine with a Scottish accent: “I’m bigger than you and higher up the food chain. Get in my belly!” “Cause once you’ve had fat, you never go back!”
There are more fat jiggling quotes, but those are about all we can print.
This is Mardi Gras, the partying, the eating, drinking, dancing and carnivals before somber Ash Wednesday and the beginning of Lent. In the United States, New Orleans is queen of Mardi Gras, and its carnival begins in January.
Boxing movies come to mind: Robert De Niro as Jack La Motta in “Raging Bull,” Sylvester Stallone in “Rocky,” “Rocky II,” III, IV, V and “Rocky Balboa.” And there’s “Million Dollar Baby,” “Cinderella Man” and “Ali.”
There also are some actresses with “naturally” occurring fatter lips, but let’s not speculate. Too much.
Oooo, wook at those widdle, widdle fat cheeks! So cute! What is it about chubby baby cheeks that just makes you burst into baby talk?
Unfortunately, fat cheeks on the other end do not inspire such.
As well as being a documentary — “Fat Head” was released in 2009 as the reply to “Super Size Me” — Fatheads is a company that creates wall decals of sports figures.
A fat head can be a person with an extremely large head, a brain the size of a pea and a considerably good opinion of themselves to the point that he or she has “Fat-Head Syndrome,” according to the online urban dictionary.
Fathead also a derogatory term used by Archie Bunker on “All in the Family”:
Archie: “What kind of fathead would send us something like this?”
Edith: “It’s from your mother.”
It’s a guy with cash … lots of cash, who wants to throw his weight around politically. And he might wear a pinstriped suit, smoke cigars and listen to jazz so as to be confused with a cool cat.
And then there’s the fat feline. There are so many photos of those poor things on the Internet.
This is slang for a marijuana cigarette. We won’t talk about that other urban slang definition.
As fat’s homophone, being called phat is actually a compliment, as in “phat like Cindy Crawford” and thank you to Blessid Union of Souls, “Hey Leonardo (She Like Me For Me).”
The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines phat as “highly attractive or gratifying.”
Now you try it: “Fat tires are phat.” That’s right.
Along with being a wide tire for mountain biking, Fat Tire is an amber ale made by New Belgium Brewing Co. of Fort Collins.
The beer was named for a bike trip through Europe taken by one of New Belgium’s founders, according to newbelgium.com, and has a balance described as “toasty, biscuit-like malt flavors coasting in equilibrium with hoppy freshness. Fat tire: Pairs well with people.”
THE FAT LADY
That’s right, It ain’t over until the fat lady — buxom opera star in a horned or winged helmet and carrying a spear and shield — sings!