We now return to our regularly scheduled programming
So where were we? Oh, that’s right, quitting this column. Unfortunately, writing is about as addictive as meth. And just as profitable. In fact, they should make public service announcements for recovering writers, similar to those annoying anti-meth commercials you always see on TV. (“Don’t try writing. Not even once.”)
So I’m back here at the Sentinel, at least until I burn out, or offend someone, which should be in about, oh, four sentences from now. It’s nice to be back. For the past year, this space was filled with one of those international stories not worthy enough for the front page. Something like “Kazakhstan minister of agriculture predicts 16 percent drop in potato exports.”
Many of you considered that to be an improvement.
I have a good excuse for my absence: I had a baby in October. Or, should I say, my wife had a baby. All I did during the delivery was to stand there and let her squeeze my hand during the painful parts. I’m happy to report that, 5 1/2 months later, the baby is fine. Also I’m starting to regain some sensation in my hand.
A lot of other stuff has happened since we last visited. For lack of a better reintroduction, let’s review:
■ Monument officials denied a permit for a prestigious bicycle race over concerns it would cause environmental damage — this despite the fact there are only about 13 people in town who would actually stand around all day under a scorching August sun just to watch a man from Belarus in gruesomely tight shorts ride a bicycle. A month later, monument officials (true story) invited all 120,000 Mesa County residents up to the monument for a party. They promised to provide recycle bins.
■ Suplizio Field continues to be renovated. We know this because the print and TV sports reporters run a story about it EVERY SINGLE DAY. I’m not saying the sports people are excited about their luxurious new press box, it’s just the first time I’ve ever seen the arrival of sheetrock at a construction site be considered “breaking news.”
■ The Mesa County public trustee stripped the Sentinel of its long-standing tradition of publishing important public notices. The trustee dismissed concerns about a lack of transparency, pointing out that anyone wanting to know official county business can still easily find it by picking up a copy of his Aunt Martha’s annual Christmas newsletter.
■ Tim Tebow burst onto the scene and became a polarizing figure. That’s because he was accused of sexually assaulting a woman in Georgia. Wait. Never mind. That was Ben Roethlisberger. Tebow was the one who tortured animals for fun. Hmm. No, that was Michael Vick. Let me think ... Oh, that’s right. Tebow was the one who built a hospital for the poor in the Philippines and who sometimes knelt in prayer. So you can see why people would hate him.
■ New fencing was installed around the Grand Junction Regional Airport after a security audit revealed that law-abiding local citizens were able to access their private planes and peacefully engage in their hobby. Airport officials defended the costly desert fences, pointing out that it will keep out any potential prairie dog suicide bombers.
■ A rare mechanical malfunction struck The Daily Sentinel’s printing press. The bad news is that thousands of disappointed readers were deprived of their newspaper for a day. The good news is that local TV news reporters gained valuable experience in writing their own stories.
But I’ll always write my own stories. Many will be about typical life here in the Grand Valley. I certainly won’t use this space to brag about my kids. Sure, they may be more attractive and intelligent than your children, but going on and on about their genetic superiority would only highlight your shortcomings as a parent.
As always, your feedback is entirely unwelcome. But if you must write to me, I’ll understand.
We addicts have to stick together.