Welcome, CMU students: Have a Mav-elous time
Hello, CMU students! On behalf of the citizens of Grand Junction, let me offer you a warm welcome to our community. We’re sincerely glad you you’re here and are thrilled that the other schools you applied to sent you rejection letters.
You didn’t get lost on the way did you? Apparently, in the past, some of you have the gotten us confused with the town of Mesa, Arizona, which is why we changed the school’s name from Mesa State last year. Hopefully you found us all right. If not, next year we’ll change our name to: “The University of 1100 North Avenue, Box 234 A, Grand Junction, Colorado 81501” to make it easier for you.
This semester, there are approximately 9,000 of you here enrolled. In terms of the economic impact you create for our community, well, let’s just say the exact dollar figure is “significant.” That’s because I don’t want to spend time researching the exact dollar figure. The point, CMU students, is that your spending helps numerous businesses in town thrive — businesses like restaurants, supply stores and bail bondsmen.
Because you are so important to us, may we offer some friendly tips?
■ Please try not get yourselves injured crossing busy 12th Street. This would be upsetting to your family, and would occupy emergency responders who should be focusing on us more important, year-round residents.
We have designated, brightly lit crosswalks for you to use. Simply pushing a button will make lights flash, and all traffic will stop. Well, at least half of us will stop. The other half will not see you as they will be engaged in a very important text message. Hopefully you’ll understand as you pry yourself off of the grill of that 2007 Chevy Suburban.
■ Ladies: Try to avoid the infamous “freshman fifteen.” Yes, freshman males also tend to gain 15 pounds their first year, but we believe in double standards.
Don’t pig out, and have some pride in your body and for CMU. After all, you’re a “Maverick,” which is actually a cow, so perhaps that’s a bad example.
■ Fashion tip for incoming males: Page 237 of the student handbook addresses your mandatory CMU uniform. You are required to wear the following:
■ A baseball hat with a brim on it large enough upon which to land an aircraft. Do not have the brim facing forward, like a normal, intelligent human being would.
■ “Shorts” that go down to your ankles and which are so baggy you could fit two of your friends in there with you.
■ Complement the ensemble with headphones, then walk around campus in a manner of cool detachment. Women love this. “Ooh, check him out. His lackadaisical way of dress combined with a complete inattention to personal grooming outwardly project an air of mystery and rebelliousness that I find extremely attractive,” is something you often hear young co-eds say.
■ Most of all, savor every moment. As people will tell you: “These years go by so fast.” These people are liars. They’ve obviously never had to write a 2,000-word essay on 18th century French literature. Still it’s better than the real world, which brings us to our last tip:
■ Enjoy the college experience. For the next four years you’ll spend carefree days playing Frisbee and video games, drinking beer, sleeping in, and waking up to face the biggest decision of your day: Captain Crunch or Lucky Charms? But one day, CMU students (and trust me on this), you will actually spend time worried about crabgrass. You’ll be on the phone for hours with an Xcel representative asking about a $4 service charge, and you’ll be up a 3:37 a.m. Googling, “How to get a baby to shut up.”
So enjoy every minute of your four years. Have fun. Learn. And please don’t damage my grill.