Wondering what another small, cute primate might be worth on open market

I miss the simpler, safer, more innocent western Colorado of my youth, when one could walk the streets without worrying about getting mugged, or attacked, or having a $7,500 monkey stolen.

Like you, I read with interest Paul Shockley’s report of a woman whose Capuchin monkey was stolen by a suspect described as “a Middle Eastern male, 35 to 40 years old, 5-foot-5, with a thin build and a short beard.” I just hope this suspect doesn’t give young Middle-Eastern men a bad rap.

The woman had apparently agreed to sell the money for $7,500, only to get pepper-sprayed and mugged during the transaction. It’s like a drug deal gone bad, only instead of the getting a stack of cash and a kilo of cocaine, the suspect in this case got a small primate who defecates a lot.

I couldn’t stop thinking about this story. It’s pretty shocking. The $7,500 part, I mean. When I found out that monkeys were getting over seven grand, I pondered what my 2-year-old son would fetch on the open market. He and the monkey are close to the same height and age, and they share the same table manners. My son is less exotic, of course, but matches up equally in the cuteness factor and has the added benefit of being able to be claimed as a dependent on your taxes.

Obviously I’d never act on this. I figure Ben would only bring about $2,000. Maybe three grand, tops. Unlike my son, you can train a monkey to behave.

$7,500 for a monkey.

I’m constantly amazed what people pay for pets. Occasionally when I’m talking to someone, the conversation turns to kids or pets or other nuisances, and they’ll brag about their, say, Mastiff, adding the requisite “he’s AKC registered.”

That may be brag-worthy in pet owner circles, but I can’t hear the word “registered” without thinking about sex offenders, which has nothing to do with dogs, of course, although I once had a dog that could have been a registered sex offender, based on the way he treated some of our house guests.

My point is that you’ve probably had a conversation with one of these overly-proud pet owners. Somehow the price they paid for the animal always seems to get dropped into the conversation.

An acquaintance once unabashedly spoke about paying $600 for her Shih Tzu. I couldn’t concentrate on anything else she said after that, as my mind was too occupied thinking about how many items on McDonald’s “Dollar Menu” I could get for the same amount she paid for her dog. It turns out 600.

Paying big money for a pet is strange to me. I got my last dog, Elvis, from the Roice-Hurst Humane Society, for free, although I did have to shell out $30 to have him neutered to make him less sexually aggressive — a procedure, by the way, that didn’t take. (See above)

But back to the monkey-jacking story, which I obsessed about for days, asking myself the obvious questions: Why do you steal a $7,500 monkey? Do you keep him? Embrace him as new addition to your family and loving on him as one of your own? Or do you do post another ad and try to “flip” him for $8,500?

The original seller had used Craigslist instead of legitimate advertising venues. So there. I’m not saying we’re perfect, but media surveys consistently show that using The Daily Sentinel classified ads instead of Craigslist results in an 87 percent decrease in the likelihood of you and your pet monkey getting pepper sprayed by a short, bespectacled Middle Eastern man at a La Quinta parking lot.

As for now, the suspect is still on the loose. So if you see a young, Middle Eastern man carrying a Capuchin monkey, stop him and call the authorities.

Also ask him what he’d give for a 2-year-old Caucasian male.

Reach Steve at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).


Commenting is not available in this channel entry.

Search More Jobs

734 S. Seventh St.
Grand Junction, CO 81501
970-242-5050; M-F 8:00 - 5:00
Subscribe to print edition
eTear Sheets/ePayments

© 2017 Grand Junction Media, Inc.
By using this site you agree to the Visitor Agreement and the Privacy Policy