A visitors’ guide to Grand Junction roads

It’s always interesting when your out-of-town guests — arriving in Grand Junction for the first time — call you from their cell phone, asking for directions:

Visitor: Hi! Marge and I need directions on where to meet you for lunch.

You: Where are you now?

Visitor: I’m not sure. Everyone is driving 100 miles per hour and giving me obscene hand gestures.

You: OK, you’re on the I-70 Business Loop. You’ll want to head north to F Road.

Visitor: F Road? What’s the “F” stand for?

You: You’ll find out soon enough.

Visitor: It may be awhile. Right now I’m coming up on a “Patterson Road.”

You: Good job.

Visitor: Huh?

You: Now go left on F Road.

Visitor: But I’m on Patterson.

You: Right.

Visitor: I thought you said “left.”

You: Just keep heading west. We’ll have lunch on Main Street. It’s in the central part of town.

Visitor: I must be close. We just passed a “Central High School.”

You: No. Central High School is in the east part of the town. East Middle School is in the central part of town.

Visitor: Obviously.

You: Now go left on 27 Road.

Visitor: All I see is a 12th Street.

You: That’s it!

Visitor: Huh?

You: Just take the next left and call me back when you’re close.

(Thirty minutes later.)

You: Where are you?

Visitor: I may have missed a turn somewhere. Wait. There’s a sign up ahead.

You: What does it say?

Visitor: “Leaving Colorful Colorado.”

(Forty minutes later.)

Visitor: OK, we’re back in town.

You: You’ll want to get on Patterson Road.

Visitor: We’re on F Road right now.

You: Good job.

Visitor: Huh?

You: Stay on that until you get to 26 Road, or First Street.

Visitor: Which one? Twenty-six Road or First Street?

You: Yes. Then go south past West.

Visitor: Make up your mind: south or west?

You: South, all the way past West Middle School. It’s near Orchard Avenue, also known as E 1/2 Road.

Visitor: Obviously.

You: After you pass West, go south, then east on North.

Visitor: Marge said you quit drinking three years ago.

You: Once you’re on North Avenue, keep going east to Seventh Street, or 26 1/2 Road.

Visitor: Which one? Seventh Street or 26 1/2 Road?

You: Yes.

(Ten minutes later.)

Visitor: Well we’re lost.

You: Where are you?

Visitor:  I think we’re in the desert. It’s desolate, trashy and there aren’t any trees or grass around.

You: OK, you’re on the east end of North Avenue. Just turn around and go west past 28 Road.

Visitor: Lemme guess, 28 Road is called something else?

You: No. That would be stupid.

(Five minutes later.)

Visitor: I don’t know the street name, but Marge says we’re two blocks south of North Avenue.

You: Teller.

Visitor: Tell her what?

You: Teller Avenue. Never mind. Just keep going south, then take a left at the first street after Grand Avenue.

Visitor: White?

You: No! Left!

Visitor: I have no clue where I am now. You’re horrible with directions.

You: Rood.

Visitor: I’m sorry. You’re right. I apologize.

You: No, I said: Rood. R-O-O-D. That’s the street you passed.

Visitor: Well I think we’re on Fourth Street now. At this pace we’ll eat lunch ‘round about midnight.

You: No, the roundabout is on Seventh and Main.

Visitor: Huh?

You: Just tell me where you are.

Visitor: Looks like a “Ute Avenue.”

You: Great. Now go east on Ute.

Visitor: OK.

You: Now tell me what you see.

Visitor: A huge truck coming right at me.

You: Oh yeah, I forgot. That’s a one-way street. Ooopsie. Call me when you get off.

(Five minutes later.)

You: Where are you now?

Visitor: Who knows? All I know is that I’ve just been molested by three bums and my car needs a new front-end alignment.

You: OK, you’re on Pitkin Avenue. What you’ll want to do is ...

Visitor: Screw it! Let’s just forget the whole thing. I’m going home. Tell me how to get back on the Interstate.

You: You’ll want to go to 27 Road, or 12th Street.

Visitor: Which one? 27 Road or 12th Street?

You: Yes.

E-mail Steve Beauregard at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).


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