Aliens, welcome to Earth. No, we can’t explain Lady Gaga

If it bothers you that 600 million America taxpayer dollars are given to the United Nations each year, please know that your money is being spent on only the most vital and necessary programs, such as establishing a welcoming committee to greet aliens from outer space.

This real committee is part of UNOOSA, or the United Nations Office for Outer Space Affairs, which, it turns out, has absolutely nothing to do with astronauts who cheat on their spouses.

According to published reports, the head of UNOOSA, a Malaysian astrophysicist named Mazlan Othman, soon will be put in charge of coordinating humanity’s response to an alien landing. She’ll also reportedly be the person designated to first meet the aliens, if and when they land. As part of a realistic simulation practice run, she’ll meet with Lady Gaga and Dennis Kucinich.

Part of her duties supposedly will involve establishing alien landing protocol. If the space visitors are friendly, she will introduce them to our culture and try to learn from them. If they are unfriendly, she’ll get them to leave, either by the use of force, or by more effective means, such as trying to sell them Amway products.

I was surprised to learn we already have some guidelines in place for dealing with extraterrestrials. There is an honest-to-goodness real document titled the “Outer Space Treaty of 1967,” which states that U.N. members will help protect Earth from possible alien contamination by first “sterilizing” them. But according to the London Telegraph newspaper, Ms. Othman doesn’t care for the sterilization idea. She favors “a more tolerant approach,” which says to me that she is an open-minded, compassionate soul. It also says to me she has never seen the 2005 hit movie “War of the Worlds.” Remember that film? It featured strange beings from another planet. And here I’m talking about Tom Cruise.

That movie is sort of how I imagine the first alien encounter will turn out. Our designated U.N. greeter will approach one of the 50-foot-tall slimy aliens. Tolerance in mind, she’ll smile, approach it gingerly, and make a peace sign while saying: “Hello friend. I’m with the United Nations. On behalf of all peace-loving people, welcome to planet Earth.” And the alien will pause, contemplate all this, then chomp her head off.

Which is why I sort of like the 1967 treaty idea. We should sterilize aliens. And probably Kate Gosselin, too, while we’re at it. Tolerance is a noble and admirable concept — right up to the point where the alien is sucking internal organs out of your neck.

Yet this whole “Alien Welcoming Committee” idea is becoming so popular, some of our fellow Coloradans are promoting the cause via the ballot box. A Front Range UFO enthusiast has successfully gotten an alien-friendly measure on this year’s Denver ballot. Known as Initiative 300, the measure would create the world’s first government-sanctioned extraterrestrial affairs commission. According to the initiative’s website,, the commission would, among other things, “Evaluate potential risks and benefits of interacting with extraterrestrial visitors.”

Personally, I’d rather see Denver “evaluate the potential risks and benefits” of fixing the potholes on I-25, but I don’t have a say in the matter. All I can do is share with you (true story) one of the initiative’s selling points: “Michael Jackson wanted to welcome extraterrestrials to Earth.”

So that should probably convince you. If not, keep this in mind: UFO sightings are up. In fact, according to news reports this past July, numerous UFO sightings near Hangzhou, China, caused local officials to shut down the entire airport. You know it’s a serious, legitimate threat if an airport has to cancel all flights. Unless, of course, you’re talking about an American airport, where they’ll shut down the entire place just because an 83-year-old grandmother from South Dakota went through security with over 3 ounces of perfume.

My point is that I’m in favor of these government programs to welcome aliens. Yes, these ideas are expensive, and yes we have significant budget deficits, but that just means we’ll have to come up with a unique way to pay for them.

I hope the aliens love Amway.

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E-mail Steve Beauregard at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).


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