An 11 1/2-inch footlong sub? That’s a crime against humanity

I read these stories of unrest in Egypt, where violent angry mobs roam the street, attempting to wrest control over the government, and it makes me appreciate living here in America, where we only get upset when there’s a delay in the launch of a new taco.

You may have read where Taco Bell partnered with Doritos to introduce a new taco called the “Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco.” An AP story described it as a “highly-anticipated” taco.

I hadn’t realized there was such a thing as a “highly anticipated” taco. I had stupidly assumed that we, as a society, had already reached the upper limits in taco development. Shell. Meat. Fixings. End of story. Apparently, however, there are always exciting, unforeseen new taco breakthroughs waiting around the corner.

Such as the new Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco. Whereas your regular hard taco has a corn tortilla shell, this one has a corn tortilla shell made by Doritos. So you can understand the excitement.

The story included an interview with a couple of guys who arrived at midnight Wednesday, just as the new tacos were expected to be released. However, they were told that the new items wouldn’t be available until Thursday.

The AP described the men as “outraged,” which you can understand. I mean, imagine if you were the type of person who got really excited when Taco Bell introduced a new item, and you learned there was a delay. Can you imagine what you’d be feeling right now?

Of course you can’t. Because you’re a rational human being with a life, whose emotions are in no way dictated by the Taco Bell delivery truck.

But these guys, with an appreciation for the inconsequential and lacking perspective on life, were distressed.

Did they give up? Of course not. These are Americans we’re talking about, and when faced with significant challenges, such as economic hardship, war, or a delay in the release of Mexican fast food entrees, we rise to the occasion.

Unable to purchase the exciting new Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos, these brave Americans boldly moved forward — settling for the plain ol’ Doritos Locos Tacos instead, forlornly telling the AP, “we were already committed.”

And it’s that persistence and “never give up” attitude by our younger generation that will keep the United States ahead of China.

Or least Colombia.

Maybe Liechtenstein.

It’s similar to the attitude of three men in New Jersey who are suing Subway, claiming that the length of their footlong sub was shy of the full 12 inches.

This marks the first time in history that a man has gone around telling people that what he has is a few inches smaller than normal.

What did that initial meeting with the lawyer look like?

MEN: We want you to sue Subway.

LAWYER: What for?

MEN: We think their footlong sandwich is actually a half-inch off.

LAWYER: (laughing). And why would I waste the court’s time on a frivolous lawsuit?

MEN: We brought a $5,000 check for a retainer.


LAWYER: Those bastards at Subway will pay for this injustice!

I don’t know if this lawsuit will gain traction. With the courts being so overwhelmed lately, who really knows? Yet while murder and rape cases fill the dockets, there is, hopefully, room in our judicial system for a lengthy, multi million-dollar trial designed to ensure the proportional integrity of a cold cut combo.

So on one hand we have Michelle Obama and other government busybodies telling us fast food portions are too big, while slimeball lawyers are suing because the portions are too small.

One of the plaintiffs, 32-year-old Jason Leslie, says he’s eaten about 50 footlongs a year since he was 18. He tells the New York Post, “now I feel like an idiot.”

I can’t offer Jason advice on the lawsuit, but sometimes you just have to trust your feelings.

Reach Steve at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).


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