An early good morning to you today, America
Channel surfing the morning network news shows ...
HOST: Hello and welcome to the Good Morning America Early Today Show. Good morning co-host!
CO-HOST: Good morning, and congratulations on your new lucrative contract extension.
HOST: Um, well, thank you.
CO-HOST: It’s nice to know that at least SOMEONE around here is appreciated.
HOST: We’re joined by a leading Internet security expert. Sir, between data breaches at Target, Home Depot, etc., it seems hackers have found a way to steal information from nearly every business.
SECURITY EXPERT: That’s true. We’ve even documented an instance where hackers were able to data mine personal information from the customers of a lemonade stand run by a 9-year-old girl named Tabitha in Norman, Oklahoma.
HOST: But Tabitha only accepts cash.
SECURITY EXPERT: That’s the scary part.
HOST: Senator, the president’s approval ratings have dropped into the 30s. Will you campaign with him?
RED STATE SENATOR: With who?
HOST: With Obama.
RED STATE SENATOR: Who?
HOST: Barack Obama. The president of the United States.
RED STATE SENATOR: Never heard of him.
CO-HOST: You’ve been a victim of the celebrity nude photo hacking scandal. Isn’t it sort of strange that there were nude photos of you out there in the first place?
CELEBRITY: Not really. Doesn’t everyone like to use their cellphone to photograph themselves while naked? Or is it just me?
HOST: We’re here with the surgeon general. Sir, potentially how bad is the Ebola risk to us?
SURGEON GENERAL: It’s catastrophic. All of humanity will likely be wiped out in a matter of days. The only way to stop it is to—
HOST: Excuse me, I hate to interrupt, but we have breaking news from London concerning the gender of Prince William and Kate’s baby ...
REPORTER: Out here in front of the Apple store, fans have been waiting for days for the new iPhone 6. I’m here with Ted, who has been waiting in line for 98 straight hours to be one of the first to purchase one. Ted, how does it feel?
TED: Oh wow! Between the functionality, increased RAM and its superior IOS 8 platform, this phone is just incredible! To be able to get one on the first day is a dream come true!
REPORTER: You’ve never kissed a female before, have you?
TED: Not yet!
CO-HOST: Really, host, I am very happy you received a huge raise.
HOST: Uh, well, thank you.
CO-HOST: You certainly deserve it. When I was reporting live in the middle of a dangerous protest in Libya, surrounded by anti-American jihadists who wanted to decapitate me, I remember thinking how brave you were, to remain here in this cozy, secure studio, baking pumpkin cupcakes with Martha Stewart ...
CELEBRITY: These hacked nude photos are a clear invasion of my privacy.
CO-HOST: Privacy is important to you?
CELEBRITY: Absolutely. When I invited the reporters from Entertainment Tonight, NBC, CNN, Redbook, People, and Equestrian Monthly into my home to photograph my personal living space, spouse, and children, I told them that I was a very private person ...
REPORTER: But Ted, why the obsession over a cellphone?
TED: It’s not just a phone, it’s a way of life. There’s apps and features, and with the iPhone 6, I’ll be able to quickly share photos with friends — just as soon as I get some.
SURGEON GENERAL: This Ebola outbreak may be scary, but I can assure you that the federal government is on top of it.
HOST: So in other words, we’re dead.
SURGEON GENERAL: Pretty much.
HOST: Coming up in our next hour, a report on how hackers are now stealing nude celebrity photos and sending them to everyone who has used a credit card at Walmart.
CO-HOST: Then join me for a 24-part investigative series on sexism and discriminatory pay policies rampant in the morning network news show industry