Another night of electile dysfunction
LESTER HOLT: Hello, and welcome to the first presidential debate here at something called “Hofstra,” which we have confirmed is a real live university and not the name of a brewery. We’ll begin with a question for Secretary Clinton.
HOLT: I’m sorry?
TRUMP: She’s wrong.
HOLT: She hasn’t said anything yet.
TRUMP: I’m just practicing.
CLINTON: That is so typical of ...
HOLT: Mr. Trump, do you think you have the right temperament to hold the presidency?
TRUMP: I’m going to punch you in the face for asking such a stupid question.
CLINTON: Lester, I’d like to take a moment to try to humanize myself by letting everyone know that I had a biological father.
HOLT: Um, okay.
CLINTON: I mention this because voters seem to think I’m some cold, emotionless robot, when, in fact, I am a human being and— ERRRRP! Skweee brummm ... system malfunction…beep, GRRRKKK! ... reprogramming software ...— I have real feelings.
HOLT: Let’s discuss NATO.
TRUMP: If our NATO allies aren’t going to pay their fair share, we should foreclosure on them. We could get $90 billion for Belgium alone.
CLINTON: As you know, in Article 5, Subsection 6 of the 2012 international compact which I brokered, the language clearly states ...
HOLT: I will once again remind the audience that snoring is not allowed.
TRUMP: Let’s talk jobs, because I’m going to create millions of them. It’s going to be beautiful. Trust me.
HOLT: If I may I interrupt ...
HOLT: Secretary Clinton, what about your 33,000 missing emails?
CLINTON: Those emails were irrelevant and nothing more than correspondence between the top diplomat of the most powerful nation on earth and various important heads of state discussing the fate of humanity for generations to come. Furthermore ...
HOLT: Excuse me, but I have to interrupt ...
TRUMP: Shut up, Lester.
CLINTON: For once I agree with Donald.
HOLT: Mrs. Clinton, could you address the fact that many Americans simply don’t like you personally?
CLINTON: If you go to my website, you’ll see my 76-point plan on how to increase my likability. Not only does it include removing my vocal chords, I plan on adopting a three-legged puppy and landing an airplane on the Hudson River. Bill might have to have another affair, too.
HOLT: Speaking of which, are you worried your husband could be a distraction during this campaign?
CLINTON: His indiscretions are a thing of the past and he loves me now completely. In fact he’s here tonight to support me, and— HEY! Bill! Get your hand off of Megyn Kelly’s leg!
TRUMP: I would sleep with Megyn Kelly. She’d love it. I’m a tremendous lover.
HOLT: Sir, some have claimed your desire to build a fortified wall on the Mexico border means you’re racist.
TRUMP: Listen, I like Mexicans. I have several who do landscaping for me. They’re terrific. They love me. I hear them talking about me outside my window. They say: “No me gusta que gringo,” which means, “I love Mr. Trump.”
HOLT: But is it true you didn’t pay any taxes last year? And if so, can you help me file my 2016 1040-EZ?
TRUMP: Wrong, I paid almost $20 in taxes.
CLINTON: But he made $645 million in income last year. He paid far less than he should have.
HOLT: Pardon me, Mrs. Clinton, but are you trying to score points by defending the IRS?
CLINTON: Shut up, Lester.
HOLT: On to the subject of potential cyber threats. Mr. Trump, let’s discuss these people whom you describe as “400-pound losers lying around in bed.”
TRUMP: I promised I wouldn’t bring up any of Bill Clinton’s mistresses.
HOLT: No, I meant suspected hackers.
TRUMP: Nevermind that. I’m the only candidate qualified to fix the economy.
CLINTON: Fix the economy? You can’t even fix your own hair. Plus you’ve outsourced thousands of jobs to foreign countries.
TRUMP: And you outsourced one job to Monica Lewinsky.
HOLT: Ohhh-kaaayy. If I may interrupt, why don’t we move on to…
TRUMP/CLINTON: Shut up Lester!