Blotter: Socks, shotguns, blowtorches

The reason I enjoy The Daily Sentinel police blotter so much is because I can relate to the suspects. You read about a guy who is spying on his ex-wife and vandalizing her property with beans and you think it’s ridiculous, but the truth is, if my wife left me, I’d probably stalk her and throw a can of Bush’s on her new boyfriend’s car, too.

Which is why I don’t judge the suspects in The Blotter.

Like the man on G 4/10 Road who was “angry about an issue at home.” But instead of dealing with your anger the usual ways, such as talking it out or burying it deep inside and letting it eat at you for decades, this man grabbed his shotgun and fired it inside the house. This probably isn’t the best way to debate an “issue at home,” but you have to admit that after shooting a gun into the ceiling, nobody will be unclear as to your feelings on the matter.

“When the smoke from the shells triggered the smoke detector, he shot at the detector,” says The Blotter.

Again, not judging, as I recently almost shot our smoke detector. The batteries were going out, and so — at 3:47 a.m. — it started emitting that loud annoying beep, the one that sounds like an otter in labor. There’s a federal law that states if your smoke alarm’s batteries are going bad, it can’t warn you while you’re awake.

Now it’s time for another “Kennedy Avenue Crime Update.”

We’ll start in the 3100 block of Kennedy, where a man called the police about a break-in at his home. Nothing was stolen, but the man summoned police because he thought “his ex-girlfriend is playing mind games with him” by rearranging his furniture. After surveying the crime scene, officers concluded that no crime had been committed, although they did say that placing an ottoman that close to a bookshelf should be against the law.

Meanwhile, at Fifth and Kennedy, a man is suspected of impersonating a police officer.

An allegedly 30 year-old drunk man (just once I want the suspect to be a fully sober woman) “knocked on a door and identified himself as a police officer.” When the owner demanded proof he was an officer, the suspect “showed him an object that the man believed to be a sock.”

If you’re going to try to pass off a sock as a law enforcement ID, you should probably put some effort into it. Like, say, etching your name in it with made-up numbers and wording like “OFFICIAL GRAND JUNCTION POLICE BADGE — NOT A SOCK” or something along those lines.

One crime that didn’t happen on Kennedy Avenue was a prescription drug theft.

“Someone took two bottles of pills that were meant for the family dog,” read The Blotter. The suspect is described as a Caucasian male, 5-foot-10, 180 pounds, with heartworm disease.

Last fall, a woman was arrested at the bus stop at Walmart on North Avenue on suspicion of possession of meth.

Normally, a meth arrest near the North Avenue Walmart is not what you’d call “breaking news.” It’s what you’d call “Tuesday.” However, in this case, the suspect, “Brandi,” was asked by police if she had anything illegal, to which “she pulled out a blowtorch later confirmed as being stolen from the Walmart.”

This story didn’t say where she pulled out the blowtorch from, or how she was able to waddle out of Walmart with it tucked in somewhere, so just get those visual images out of your mind right now.

Besides, Brandi is innocent until proven guilty, and I think it’s a shame to see the police harassing someone just because she aspires to be a welder.

It makes me want to change the system. That’s why I became a police officer. Don’t believe me?

It says so right here on my sock.

Reach Steve Beauregard at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).


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