Claim your free Obama utility bill money today!

I wanted to let you all know that authorities are reporting some scams going around that claim President Barack Obama will pay your electric bill. Please, folks, whatever you do, do NOT fall for it. Obama is not going to pay your electric bill.

It’s your water bill he’ll pay.

This means that if you receive some shady emails from strangers claiming to be from the Obama administration, offering to send you free money with no strings attached, you should just “trust your gut” on this one and give them your Social Security number, bank routing number, etc. — whatever it takes to allow the smooth and quick processing of your claim with Ute Water.

Now just a warning: Some people — even friends or well-intentioned relatives — will try to convince you that the president of the United States has more important things on his plate right now than personally assisting you with your water usage costs, and that this is all a fraudulent scheme. Unfortunately, these folks are uninformed and, frankly, a little jealous of you for knowing an opportunity when it presents itself. So ignore these good-hearted but clueless friends and rightfully stake your claim to the free Obama water bill money you so richly deserve.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s talk about a real scam: the Obama utility bill email. According to The Associated Press, thousands across the country have fallen prey to this, including a Detroit woman interviewed by the AP. According to the story, scammers are telling people like the Detroit woman that an Obama bailout program will give citizens $1,000 for utility costs. Upon hearing about this generous offer, the woman “quickly took advantage, providing her Social Security number and asking for $187 toward her DirecTV bill and $800 toward what she owed DTE Energy.”

This hit a nerve with me, because I don’t have DirecTV. President Obama using taxpayer dollars to hook me up with complimentary DirecTV service is definitely something I’d be interested in. Particularly if it included their NFL package. This is a programming option in which you get to see every single NFL game played in every market, which is sort of how I picture heaven will be like.

Unfortunately, without the president’s help, I can’t afford DirecTV. Technically, we could, but then we wouldn’t have money for baby food, meaning Marie would still have to breastfeed our son when he is 3 years old, like that sicko on the cover of Time magazine recently. Still, I want it. Sure, forcing our children to breastfeed into their adolescent years wouldn’t be ideal, but at least I’d get to watch the Sept. 30 Jacksonville/Bengals game. The point of this scam warning is that you have to be careful, because there are some greedy people out there. And here I’m talking about the victims of the scam. To these folks, I offer the cold hard truth: Your fellow taxpayers are not going to pay your satellite TV bill, OK?

What they ARE going to pay for is your food bill, housing assistance, unemployment, medical care, food stamps, education, job training, birth control and day care. But not utilities — unless you qualify for the Colorado LEAP program —  in which case utilities ARE paid for, leaving the one and only thing in your entire life you’re responsible for purchasing with your own money is crack, which you’ll have to buy by getting what’s known as a “job” unless, of course, there’s some new government program I’m unaware of that gives crack addicts their own special crack EBT cards, which, (let’s be honest), wouldn’t be that shocking.

In the meantime, if anyone needs some help with their DirecTV bill, I know of some very generous people who can help cover you until you can get back on your feet.

They’ll just need your Social Security number and bank information.

Reach Steve Beauregard at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)


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