Cottonelle calling! We have 192 rolls of TP for you!

There is nothing worse than running out of life’s little necessities, especially when one is too lazy to run to the store in the middle of the night to replace said necessities.

Like toilet paper. It’s truly awful for the household to use every square inch of toilet paper. But after 10 p.m., I’m like, “Eh. We can manage. Here, separate the layers of these paper towels. Or reuse the Kleenex I used to apply my lipstick this morning.”

My husband and daughter are less than impressed with me. But they aren’t jumping in the car to go to the store, either.

Running out of toilet paper could be a real disaster. Threat Level Orange kind of stuff.

It’s nearly always the case that when one is out of toilet paper —  and also out of separated paper towel squares, used Kleenex and even cotton balls — that something ... explosive will happen.

Anyway, after just too many close calls, we discovered’s Subscribe & Save program, which really, has just saved our marriage and our middle-of-the-night near-disasters.

Did you know that you can have toilet paper shipped to your house once a month? It’s awesome! It is, dare I say, even a bit miraculous. An answer to a prayer. You know that prayer: “Oh God please, please, oh Jesus please let there be toilet paper hidden somewhere in this house. And let it be reachable from my current location. Please God.”

So when I discovered that I could pre-order TP, well, I entered my credit card number so quickly that I broke a nail. And approximately three to five business days later, the UPS man delivered TP right to our door.

My relationship with Subscribe & Save was wonderful for a few months, until that hectic Monday morning I got an email saying that my current product, which was two packages of six rolls of Cottonelle, was no longer available.

This was a real shame, since 12 rolls every three weeks was just about perfect. But now the 12 rolls were no longer available. Amazon S&S wanted to know if they could substitute a similar product. Well sure, I thought, clicking merrily away and rushing about to the next project. I mean, toilet paper is toilet paper, right?

Well, yes and no.

Three weeks later, the UPS truck pulled in the driveway. The driver opened the back of the truck and unloaded a big box. I mean, colossal. Huge. My daughter and her entire menagerie of stuffed animals could fit in that box.

The box was so big that there was a neon green sticker affixed to it that said “Caution! Heavy Package!”

The driver and my husband managed to heft the box into our house.

“What,” my husband said, breathing heavily, “the hell did you order this time?”

“Nothing! I’m pretty sure that’s just our toilet paper,” I replied.

“This is not just toilet paper. This may be the sink from the toilet paper factory, but this is not JUST toilet paper,” he replied, testily.

“Oh yes it is too,” I said, and ripped open the box. And there, shining in all its glory was…

“Wow! That’s a lot of toilet paper!” my 5-year-old chirped.

S&S had substituted my 12 rolls for 16 packages of six rolls, or, in other words, 96 rolls of toilet paper.


That is so many rolls of toilet paper that the UPS man had to have a neon green warning sticker!

OK, well, no big deal, I thought. We can just change the quantity and skip the next shipment. That was a good plan, but “someone” forgot to log back into Amazon and fix the issue.

So three weeks later, here came the poor UPS man again lugging another massive box. And inside that massive box was ... another 96 rolls of TP.

I no longer have room to stash the approximate 192 rolls in any of the bathrooms, under my bed, in the hall storage closet or in my bedroom closet.

And guess what else? I just got another shipping notification and “someone” forgot to change the quantity preference again.

I’m not the neighbor to borrow sugar from. But toilet paper? Lemme hook you up. I’m stockpiling for the apocalypse over here.

Kami Collins lives in Delta with her daughter and her infinitely patient husband. Everyday life is hilarious, Kami just puts it into print. She can be contacted at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).


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