Dennis Rodman worms his way into Korean drama

So if I’ve got this right, Dennis Rodman travels across the Pacific to meet with the reclusive and secretive leader of North Korea, and a few days later Korea threatens to start World War III. I don’t know if that’s just a coincidence, but if Dennis Rodman were the only American you had ever met, you’d probably want to destroy the USA too.

This nuclear scare is all because of Kim Jong-un, the son of the deceased Kim Jong-il — widely considered a nut case but who, compared to his son, seems like Henry Kissinger in retrospect.

The son, Kim Jong-un, is North Korea’s narcissistic, out-of-control ruler. Those poor North Koreans have a leader whose ego is so large, he’s commissioned the production of enormous posters adorned with his image, and has written two books about himself.

No, wait. I’m sorry. That’s our leader. But North Korea’s leader isn’t modest either.

Like his father and grandfather before him, Kim Jong-un inherited his position, becoming what they call Supreme Leader. Not really of fan of that. The title of the most powerful person in your country shouldn’t be a type of pizza. I guess if he’s really powerful, they call him “Super Supreme.”

According to Wikipedia, Kim Jong-un, as the youngest male in his family, was actually third in line to become the Supreme Leader. He has two older brothers — the oldest, Kim Jong-chul, would have succeeded his father had he not been, in the words of a former North Korean insider and defector, “too feminine in character.”

That’s why it’s hard to feel threatened by this family. Kim Jong-un is 5 foot 5, wears black, satin-looking gowns, and sports the same hairstyle as that of a Wellesley College freshman during her “experimentation phase.”

And he’s the macho brother.

The second-oldest brother, Kim Jong-nam, would have gotten a chance to prove his leadership chops had he not got busted at Disneyland.

According to an absolutely true 2009 story, courtesy of news radio station RTHK out of Hong Kong, “Kim Jong-nam had been the favorite to succeed his father but reportedly fell out of favor after being caught trying to enter Japan on a fake passport in 2001 to visit Tokyo Disneyland.”

So the only reason the world is on the brink of destruction is because a guy’s older brother tried to sneak a ride on Splash Mountain.

The person I feel the most sorry for in all this is the boys’ mother, Mrs. Kim Jong-il, who at some point must have had a difficult time keeping up with the names.

Kim Jong-un: Mommy! Kim Jong-nam and Kim Jong-chul are picking on me!

Mother: You boys are in big trouble. Just wait until your Supreme Leader gets home.

Kim Jong-nam: But Kim Jong-un took our Legos!

Mother: Kim Jong-nam, you give the Legos back to Kim Jong-chul.

Kim Jong-nam: You mean Kim Jong-un, right Mommy?

Mother: Whatever.

In addition to his anti-USA rhetoric, Kim Jong-un has threatened South Korea with attack. He hasn’t been specific as to why, but I’m pretty sure it has something to do with South Korean artist Psy’s hit song “Gangnam Style.” If there ever were a song that could make you want to launch thermonuclear missiles, this is it.

Yet any attack on us would be, as they say, mutually assured destruction. By that I mean nuclear winter, with hundreds of millions dead and injured, which would be really bad, because the NFL draft is coming up.

Which is why I say put me in charge of diplomatic negotiations. As a parent of a 17-month-old boy, handling Kim Jong-un should be no problem. Every day I deal with a short, temperamental male with a bad haircut who doesn’t speak English.

I’ll tell him to back off. Otherwise we’ll shower you with missiles and wipe you off the map.

Or even worse, we’ll send Dennis Rodman back there.

Reach Steve at beauregardsteve@


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