Fish-tossing, obnoxious players and other Seattle exports
On behalf of Denver Broncos fans in Colorado, let me say — in the spirit of sportsmanship — congratulations on your NFC championship. We look forward to a hard-fought matchup in the Super Bowl, which will likely be over sometime during the second quarter, when Peyton Manning shreds your defense like a head of lettuce at Taco Bell.
Yet we applaud you for even making it this far. With multiple Lombardi trophies and seven Super Bowl appearances, this is old hat for us, so we realize how exciting this must be for you — even if all evidence points to it being an anomaly — after which you’ll most certainly return to your decades-long tradition of mediocrity.
Just because we’re competitors in the biggest game of the year doesn’t mean we can’t be friends. Your nutty town and freakish citizens are the reason we can’t be friends.
Of course I’m joking, Seattle. I’m sure you’re not all bad. It’s just that your city’s extreme politics and tradition of deviancy, along with having the country’s highest rate of atheists per capita, means your town will be the first to be annihilated when the rapture comes. (To be fair, Boulder will be second).
Plus you guys do incredibly stupid things we wouldn’t do here in Colorado. You’ve elected a member of the Socialist party to your city council. You’ve outlawed plastic shopping bags. You have a transgendered film festival. You voted to legalize marijua ... wait, never mind.
All this is a far cry from Seattle’s proud origins. It was a city built by people of character, such as Seattle’s founder, David Maynard, who Wikipedia says was a polygamist who helped establish the city’s first brothel.
Granted, I’m not too familiar with your city, as I’ve only spent one night there when departing on an Alaskan cruise. But that’s pretty standard. The reason people go to Seattle is to go somewhere else.
In my limited hours in the Emerald City, I found unfriendly, humorless people, such as the hotel van shuttle driver who did not find it amusing when I asked him: “Do you guys have Starbucks here?”
Congratulations on that, by the way — Starbucks, I mean. That’s your main export to the world: coffee that costs 17 cents to make going for $5.68 a cup.
I also asked our driver about the must-sees in town. He informed me that Pike’s Market is one of your biggest attractions. Pike’s Market? He said it’s a fish stand, famous for the workers who toss the freshly caught salmon to each other. No offense Seattle, but in the attractions department, we have Telluride, Rocky Mountain National Park, Vail and Aspen. You have two guys who throw fish.
We’ve also learned that Seattle has just 71 days of sunshine a year, while we receive over 300. But we won’t rub that in, mostly because we are too busy out enjoying the sun.
Our team roster is even sunnier: Eric Decker, Champ Bailey and Peyton Manning. We have players who found charitable foundations, who are well-spoken and likeable. You have Richard Sherman.
Mascots? A bronco is a beautiful, majestic stallion, whereas a seahawk, according to Wikipedia, is a freakish bird with outer toes that can reverse directions and it eats rats.
We do acknowledge your economic success. Being home to both Microsoft and numerous airplane manufacturers means Seattle produces both Boeing jets and Windows 8. It’s like you specialize in things that crash.
Which brings us to your chances for the game. Because we care, Seattle, we want you to know our thoughts will be with you come Monday morning.
After the whipping, we encourage you to go to your Starbucks, listen to your grunge, wait for one of your 71 sunny days and take solace in memories of your lucky season. All joking aside, you can be very proud of your Seahawks.
But not too proud. Those things eat rats.