For your protection, here’s another Mesa County crime update

It’s time for another Police Blotter update. We do this periodically as a service to protect local residents from the sneaky, devious criminal element within our community. Criminals may make bad decisions, but you should never, ever, underestimate their intelligence – unless it’s one of these people below.

Take for example the person who stole the beer truck meant for the downtown Grand Junction Oktoberfest last year. Lesson to you would-be criminals out there: a large 18 wheeler with a humongous red “BUDWEISER” logo plastered on the side is not a great getaway vehicle. The truck was eventually found near Interstate 70, but I’m not sure what ever happened to the suspect. All I know is that instead of the good dark German beer, I ended up having to spend Oktoberfest drinking Bud Light. So basically, I hope he gets the death penalty.

Speaking of vehicle thefts, Mesa County law enforcement strongly encourages those of you storing plastic giraffes in your car to keep your vehicles securely locked. I mention this because of a blotter entry in which a man in the southeast area of town, “reported Friday that someone stole a miniature stuffed giraffe valued at $7 from his unlocked vehicle.”

You have to admire our local police force for their ability to conduct themselves calmly, even in dangerous situations. What I admire them even more for, is their ability to keep a straight face when a grown man looks them in the eye and complains that a cute little stuffed animal worth 700 pennies may be missing.

At least he didn’t have to have the fire department respond, which is exactly what happened to a Grand Junction man who, according to authorities, “had taken his mattress outside and set it on fire in his front yard because he believed it had bed bugs.” It’d be easy to poke fun at this person, but the truth is, setting your mattress ablaze is actually a good way to get rid of bed bugs. Washing your sheets is another.

One of the more interesting recent crime stories involves the Grand Junction man who was found guilty pimping out his fiancee. I’m fascinated by this guy’s smoothness. This is a man who convinced his significant other to have sex with random men for money. I can’t convince my significant other to let me watch ESPN.

And just out of curiosity, if you’re going to ask your fiancee to become a prostitute, how exactly do you bring it up in conversation? (“So honey, remember how you were talking about getting a part-time job?”)

The only other police blotter entrant I sort of admire is the man who, described as being “in his 20s,”  tried to buy one bottle of beer at a Patterson Road liquor store. The clerk wouldn’t sell it to him because the man forgot his ID. The Sentinel headline read, “Man buys beer at gunpoint.” Notice it didn’t say, “Man STEALS beer at gunpoint.” That’s because the guy actually paid for his beer before he fled. I love that. I wonder what he told the clerk: “ID? You need ID? Here you go. My friends Smith & Wesson will verify my age. Any other questions?”

Let’s move on to a more common blotter entry: the near daily reports of some innocent victim being taken in by a foreign wire scam. These sad situations remind me of something my Uncle Tony used to say: “If a deal sounds too good to be true, jump on it fast.” (Uncle Tony was always broke.)

Nevertheless, let’s just make a generalization here and say that wiring money to men in Nigeria may not be a good idea, even though — in terms of return on investment — it still beats buying stock in Blockbuster.

Bottom line is, you should never wire money to a stranger. Unless it’s to me. It doesn’t have to be a lot either. Just make sure the wire is for at least $7.

Because I’m running low on miniature stuffed giraffes.

E-mail Steve Beauregard at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).


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