Great news, cable company — I’m ditching you

I got a nice letter from David Andreski the other day. In case you don’t know him, he’s the vice president of marketing for a major local cable provider whom I shall not name considering they advertise in this newspaper. I do many things wrong, but biting the hand that feeds is not among them.

Anyway, David’s letter to me buzzed with an eye-opener of an opening sentence: “Great news!” it said.

I was in the mood for some great news, so I read on. David happily informed me that my cable company’s idiotic name has been changed to a new, entirely different idiotic name. I’m paraphrasing here.

One paragraph later, he informed me that “beginning with your November statement” my cable and Internet bills would increase by 57 percent.

Apparently David and I disagree slightly on what constitutes “great news.”

For months, Marie and I had been arguing over the cable question. She feels we could take the money we spend on cable and put it in our kids’ college fund. I, of course, want to watch my daughter graduate from college, but not as much as I want to watch “Breaking Bad.”

My assumption is that my bright little girl is going to grow up and receive a ton of college scholarships anyway. If she doesn’t earn them on her own, we’re just going to lie on the applications and say she’s a black lesbian whose parents are disadvantaged Native Americans. I’ll buy a Lexus with the leftovers.

So we’ve already been kicking around the idea of ditching cable and this sealed the deal. A 57 percent price jump helps you decide to get rid of cable in the same way waking up naked and hung over next to a farm animal helps you decide to go to rehab.

Still, David made a strong argument for keeping cable, informing me how great the new, improved company is. You can tell they are improved because they have a new logo and everything.

But when he wrote: “We hope you are taking advantage of all that your TV and Internet have to offer,” I wanted to ask David if he had ever spent any time in America, because I’ve seen what my “TV has to offer.” As far as I can tell, it consists entirely of people doing one of the following:

A. Yelling at other wealthy housewives.

B. Selling things at pawn shops.

C. Singing karaoke badly.

D. Sleeping with members of the Kardashian family.

Business is business, but this company did not lay 57 percent more cable to my house. And while I deeply appreciate the increase in both shopping channels and channels in which the English language is not spoken, the entertainment value I receive from cable has not increased 57 percent. On the other hand, commercials telling me how great the new cable company is have increased at least 200 percent. Owning a monopoly is soooo underrated.

So, just as with every other argument with my wife, I gave in. But this time she was actually right. I decided those greedy executives at the cable company weren’t going to get another dime out of us — a decision I came to after making sure the Broncos weren’t scheduled for any other Monday Night Football games. After all, a man has to have principles. And mine started late in the 4th quarter.

This will mean I will read more books, converse more with my spouse and spend more time playing with my kids. But I’m sure there’ll also be some positives.

Breaking an addiction to cable is scary, but we’re committed to canceling it for good. To make it official and all, I wrote my new friend David back, letting him know we’re removing his company from our lives. I’m not sure how you tell someone to “get lost” politely, but I knew how the letter would start:

“Dear David,

Great news!”

Reach Steve at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).


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Where’s the “Like” button?

I would have liked it a lot more without the jabs at disabled minorities and non-English speakers.

I am interested in knowing which company it is. As far as non-English (American actually) should one not like it then move. It is America.

It’s Charter Cable, previously Optimum Cable, previously Bresnan, etc. As for people who get upset at other languages being offered to people, I don’t think they should have to move. They could just stop being xenophobic jerks.

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