Hoping list of obsolete things includes Kardashians

Kiplinger magazine just came out with a list of 10 things that will be obsolete in 20 years. Number four on the list was “Kiplinger magazine.”

They predict the demise of other items, such as ...

CAR KEYS

When tech leaders say future cars will come equipped only with numeric keypad locks instead of keys, I think they overestimate our intelligence. They expect me to remember a random six-digit code to unlock my car, when I can’t even remember it’s parked on level “B.”

Others experts predict we’ll use our smartphone exclusively to start our vehicle. In the future, forgetting to charge your phone means you won’t be able to check Facebook OR leave the Walmart parking lot.

Some futurists tout the advancement of facial recognition technology. They say in the future, a car will only unlock and start after recognizing the owner’s face. It’ll be an effective theft deterrent, even if does result in a lot of upset people stranded outside the Botox clinic.

 

FAST FOOD WORKERS

To be replaced by robots, says Kiplinger. The machines will come equipped with fake acne and be programmed to perform just like their human counterparts in every way, right down to complaining about a “living wage” and forgetting your order of medium fries at the drive-thru.

 

HUMAN PACKAGE DELIVERY

Experts predict eventually most Amazon, UPS and FedEx deliveries will be completed by drones.

But as much stuff as my wife buys online, my house is going to look like LAX. Some people have housekeepers or landscapers. I’ll need an air traffic controller.

 

MANUAL TRANSMISSION

Only around 10 percent of vehicles manufactured last year were stick shift.

A recent study showed that the majority of young American drivers don’t even know how to drive a stick. That’s partly why we’ll eventually lose a war to Lichtenstein.

On the plus side, with no clutch or gear shift to have to look at, young drivers will be able to keep their eyes firmly focused on where they belong: on their phones.

 

TEXTBOOKS

Instead of paper books, all students will have tablets. That way, you’ll be easily able to download reading assignments. The downside is the yellow streaks left on the screen after you’ve highlighted the important parts. 

Plus, lazy students will be forced to come up with new excuses.

TEACHER: Why didn’t you turn in your homework assignment?

STUDENT: My dog ate my battery charger.

 

HUMAN OPERATORS

Instead of having to speak to a customer service rep in India who does not understand you, you’ll soon be able to speak to sophisticated voice-activated software program who does not understand you. This happened to me recently:

AUTOMATED VOICE: Please state the name of person you are trying to reach.

ME: Tech support please.

If you want tech support, say “Yes.”

Yes.

I’m sorry. I did not understand.

YES!

I’m sorry. I did not understand.

SCREW YOU!

Transferring you to Sue Hughes.

 

CASH

A cashless society sounds reasonable to everyone except those who don’t want to declare all of their income to the government, which I am in no way advocating, (wink wink).

Truth is, we need cash to pay for everything from gambling debts to the Tooth Fairy.

I have a 7-year-old who is losing her teeth at the rate of one every commercial break. What am I going to do? Help the Tooth Fairy swipe a debit card? My wife will not be happy seeing me engaged in a financial transaction with a woman in a sparkly dress late at night. I’ve already used the “I’m not having an affair; she’s just a magical fairy” excuse enough times.

Unfortunately the things we would love to see become obsolete, like crime, taxes and the Kardashians, probably won’t.

So instead, prepare for the future. After all, a new dawn is in the air. The future is coming to our homes quickly. It will arrive here any second now.

At least, that’s what my air traffic controller is saying.

Reach Steve Beauregard at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).


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