I want a Real Life Barbie in orthopedic shoes


My daughter’s room looks like the scene of a slasher film, the naked and splayed bodies of Barbie dolls strewn about.

I’m not sure if all little girls immediately strip their Barbie dolls of all that glittery clothing, but mine does, and then those little dresses and razor-sharp plastic shoes get shoved in the closet while the Barbies frolic about in their birthday suits.

I do not like this naked frolicking.

I should take all of Addison’s Barbies away, because I want her to learn that girls must wear clothes and because I’m tired of stepping on Barbie shoes. And also because Barbie is just not a good role model.

I used to love Barbie. Barbie taught me about life. She taught me that there is no situation at which blue eyeshadow and high heels aren’t appropriate. She taught me to love the color pink. She taught what’s important: a Dream House, a convertible, your own airplane, an arm candy boyfriend and friends who are never quite as good as you.

It’s great that Barbie has been a doctor, rock star, astronaut and sex kitten for more than 50 years, giving generations of girls quite the variety of role models.

But now that I’m not a child, and now that she’s grabbed the attention of my 6-year-old, I need Barbie to give me a little more, such as, what happens when Ken gets tired of Barbie’s self-centered drama? How do you cope with that?

How do you cope with a self-centered man who is just as vapid as you? I mean, someone has to take out the trash.

What happens when the doctors say that years of wearing stilettos has ruined the arch of your foot and now you need — gasp! — good, sturdy orthopedic shoes?

I think Mattel is missing the boat on really creating a doll that will teach little girls about life, because there is a lot of life to live after that college sorority.

They should for sure have a chubby Barbie. Give all those little chubby girls something to which to aspire. Even though a girl is chubby she can still rock stilettos and purple eye makeup, you know?

Validate all body types! I want to see a double-chinned Barbie. The one who has to buy wide-calf boots and Spanx. They should also have a Barbie with a mustache. Because one day Barbie will grow up and she’ll discover she needs to start buying facial wax. This day will come sooner than Barbie would like, and she’ll be really depressed, so Mattel should also make a teeny tiny box of Dove Bars and a teeny tiny bottle of good wine.

At this point in her life, Barbie also will start buying stretchy pants and shoes she can slip on without having to bend over. That is just truth, Mattel.

It would also be good to have a PMS Barbie and a Menopause Barbie. One would come with a bag of chips, a bottle of ibuprofen and a loose pair of jeans, and the other would have a flushed and sweaty complexion and maybe a teeny tiny bottle of estrogen supplements.

I think it’s important to let girls know what’s in store for them.

I’m sure Mattel would think PMS, Menopause and Chubby Barbie are all a bit extreme. I say no. I say if we really want to push the envelope, let’s talk about a Mother-in-Law Barbie, I mean, if we want to teach little girls about what’s in store for them and all.

I guess I could be talked into the same young, dumb, vapid Barbie as long as her dress is longer than fingertip level and she starts wearing panties. For crying out loud, that’s the rule at elementary schools across the country. Well, the fingertip length of shorts and skirts is a rule, at any rate.

See? This is what happens when Santa has come and gone and I can no longer threaten that he won’t come if Addison’s room isn’t clean.

He has come, she got her crap, and now her room is littered with naked Barbies who don’t have a clue what life has coming for them.

I miss Santa. And I miss the days when dolls in our house wore clothes.

Kami Collins lives in Delta with her daughter and her infinitely patient husband. Everyday life is hilarious, Kami just puts it into print. She can be contacted at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).


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