Let your loved one — or that girl from trig class — know you care
I probably don’t have to remind you couples out there, but tomorrow’s the big day. A time when our hearts race a little faster, we experience a few breathless moments, and maybe even shed some tears. Yep, another inversion is coming.
It’s also Valentine’s Day. A night when we enjoy dinner with our significant other, sipping a glass of wine — perhaps a mid-90s pinot noir — and glance across the table, staring longingly into her eyes while saying, “STOP HITTING YOUR SISTER WITH THE FIRE TRUCK!” which we say because we couldn’t find a babysitter.
Not to brag, but I’m sort of sophisticated in the romance department, having watched several movies on Cinemax.
My expertise goes back to when I was a sophomore at Grand Junction High School. I was mesmerized by Raquel St. Aubin, whom I sat by in Mr. McBee’s trigonometry class and with whom I had exchanged a few conversations, most of which ended with her telling me to stop looking at her.
Nevertheless, I got a good vibe from her, and as a token of my affection, gave her (true story) a Hewlett Packard calculator. Surprisingly, we never became a couple, but she did drop the restraining order and we eventually became friends. I’m pretty sure that Raquel still probably thinks of me from time to time. Especially if she has to figure out the hypotenuse of a triangle.
The point is, I know a way to a woman’s heart. It’s through a 3-inch sternal incision into the left ventricle.
But it’s also through gifts. So go to one of those national jewelry store franchises at the mall. Just like cellphone kiosks, there’s one every seven feet. There they’ll have the “I Love You” pendant, the “Forever Mine” pendant, and the “I’ll Love You Forever or Until I Catch You Cheating On Me With a Guy Named Trevor” pendant.
Then again, chocolate is always a nice gift, but if you share in my lack of self-discipline, do not unwrap the chocolate box. I know what you’re thinking: “She won’t notice if one is missing,” and she won’t. But one turns into two, then three, then 15, and there’s really only so much you can blame on your 2-year-old. Which means you’re stuck handing her a pathetic box of chocolates that is two-thirds empty — the only pieces remaining being the ones with that disgusting, strange white liquid filling inside.
Which is why I buy my wife tightly sealed Enstrom’s. Its toffee has been in the news recently, after Colorado House Speaker Mark Ferrandino — a far left-wing politician from New York — insulted the local company by calling toffee the “fruitcake of the confectionery world.” And you can insert your own joke here because mine got edited.
The point is that Enstrom’s is a wonderful present. As is a gift certificate to a spa. That way she can get a massage, pedicure or even a exfoliating facial, because nothing says “I love you” to your wife more than letting her know she needs to get rid of all the old dead skin cells off her face.
Yet while gifts are nice, actions speak louder than presents, so be sure to let her know how much you love her. You’re supposed to let her know you care.
“I’m supposed to let you know I care,” is something you should say often.
Whatever you give her, be sure to celebrate this day of romance. Because this is a day when our hearts are destined to sing, when even the less-romantic among us feels a warming glow of affection and adoration. You can certainly feel it, love is in the air.
Or maybe that’s the inversion.