More fodder from the police blotter

In previous police blotter recaps, we’ve detailed a spate of real-life police reports in which residents of the Grand Valley assaulted other people with beans. In turns out those incidents were just strange anomalies. Local citizens are no longer attacking other people with simple proteins. They’re now using complex carbohydrates like potatoes.

Here I’m talking about the recent true case of a 60-year-old Grand Junction man who, according to GJ police, was involved in a confrontation outside his home after he heard a neighbor use a racial slur. Reports state the man went outside to address this racial insensitivity where — in that same spirit of peaceful non-violence advocated by Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. — he stabbed the neighbor with a pocket knife.

The 60-year-old said he felt threatened after the neighbor “menaced him with a pan of potatoes.” The neighbor, however, informed police that he had a license to carry concealed Ore-Idas.

And as is typical in cases of potato-related violence, officers had to subdue the suspect by tatering him.

Now it’s time for our weekly: SCHOOL BUS UPDATE.

I’m pleased to report we have now gone 17 straight days without an incident involving school bus drivers and alcohol.

The most recent case involved a man who was arrested on charges of driving a local school bus while his ability was impaired. If true, it’s sort of hard to blame him. Have you ever had to start your day driving with 30 kids in the backseat? I’ve only driven around with two screaming kids and, frankly, that was more than enough for me to reach into the glove box and start chugging hand sanitizer.

Unfortunately, however, this case follows another recent incident in which a bus driver parked at a Clifton liquor store (while the kids were still in the bus), and went inside to buy booze. Unfortunate? Of course. Especially since we’re now the only school district in the country where the buses won’t start until the driver blows into a dashboard Breathalyzer.

Another case I can relate to involves the 21-year-old man who was arrested on suspicion of stealing a BMX bike in Clifton. I get his motivations. I used to have a BMX bike. I absolutely loved it. Then I turned 12. So the question is: As a grown-up man, what exactly are you going to with a little boy’s bike? Impress the ladies with yo mad skillz on da Huffy?

I just miss the days when young men in their early 20s did normal adult things, like read books, or go hiking, or participate in botched liquor store robberies.

Which is what happened to a local 23-year-old man who set out for a night of drinking. First stop: the liquor store at 15th and North where, according to the blotter, he brought two bottles of whiskey to the counter. Now if this were you or I, we would purchase the items with money, or a debit card, or by taking funds out of our daughter’s college fund. Some people, however, aren’t fully enamored with the American tradition of mutually beneficial commercial transactions.

Police say the man: “threw one bottle at the store clerk. While fleeing, he threw the second bottle of whiskey at the clerk, hitting and breaking a window, then tripped and fell, causing his shoes to fall off.” Other than that, it was a flawless heist.

To be fair, we’ve all done stupid things in our 20s. Like this suspect, I’ve had nights where I’ve thrown bottles, fallen down, and lost my shoes. However, this usually happened after drinking whiskey — not while trying to purchase it.

The lesson here is clear: If you’re going to rob a liquor store, you need a plan, and you cannot go in unarmed. You need a threatening weapon.

I recommend a pan of potatoes.

Reach Steve Beauregard at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).


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So glad you are back!  Thank you for that breath of fresh air as I was giggling my way through your stories.

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