More fodder from the blotter

Today we’re going to recap some more actual entries taken from The Daily Sentinel’s police blotter — this is an important part of our never-ending efforts to both monitor lawlessness in our community and to find people to make fun of.

In our last edition, we wrote about the true story of a Clifton woman who allegedly attacked her husband by throwing “a bowl of beans in his face.”

Maybe you thought this type of bean-related violence was an isolated incident. And maybe you are a fool.

I base this on another blotter entry dated Oct. 5, 2009, which reads: “A man told deputies his son’s girlfriend threw a can of beans at the windshield of the man’s vehicle, causing damage.”

This makes two episodes of bean crime in the Grand Valley within a six-month period. It also raises several important questions:

1) Should people who want to buy beans undergo a background check and 72-hour waiting period?

2) Would someone arrested for throwing beans be tossed into the “can” or rather a jail “pod?”

3) What if I’m angry at someone and wish to emphasize a point, but I don’t happen to have any beans on me?

In this last instance, you would be forced to improvise with various other refrigerator items. I say this because of a recent blotter entry in which a Clifton victim told authorities that, “someone threw a ‘buffet’ of food items onto her car.” The report goes on to say that there was no damage to the vehicle because “birds picked the vehicle clean.”

(I often use birds as a free car wash method too.) Currently there are no suspects in the case although the birds, for their part, have been charged with evidence tampering.

Speaking of evidence, it’s time for a feature we like to call: “Helpful Tips For Aspiring Criminals.”

First tip: When attempting to steal clothes from J.C. Penney, it is advisable that you do not attempt to make your getaway wearing nine pairs of stolen jeans.

According to the Grand Junction police, “A suspected illegal immigrant was arrested Sunday after he allegedly stole nine pairs of pants from a Mesa Mall department store and tried to leave the store wearing all nine pairs.”

From what I gather, the suspect took a big stack of jeans into the dressing room and came out a few minutes later looking like the Michelin Man on casual Friday. The police go on to say he was caught after trying to run away from the store’s loss-prevention officer. I think it’s fair to say many of us would pay a lot of money to see the video surveillance of that foot chase.

Yet, part of me can’t help but sort of admire the suspect. Nine pairs?

Lately I’m having trouble getting on one pair of jeans. Police also said the suspect was “in possession of a small amount of suspected cocaine,” which sort of makes sense. After a few lines of coke, putting on nine pairs of pants probably seems like a good idea.

Another good idea is to get very emotional when bargaining at a yard sale.

According to Mesa County Sheriff’s Department, deputies responded to a yard sale when the host reported that a potential buyer “threatened her because she did not want to sell an item to him.”

This would-be-buyer needs to put the situation in perspective. It’s a common yard sale, not a Sotheby’s auction. I’m guessing there are other tattered paperback copies of John Grisham novels in the world. And there’s no reason to get upset at losing out on that partly broken 1985 GE blender. Looking back at some of the junk I’ve gotten at yard sales, I wish the sellers would have refused to sell to me.

But these are the times we live in, with thieves, and vandals and people who threaten you for not selling those souvenir salt shakers from your 1998 trip to Puerto Vallarta.

Which is why — to defend yourself — you should always be carrying some sort of weapon.

I recommend beans.



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