More fodder from the police blotter
I’m disappointed in you, Mesa County.
Just when I thought we’d begin 2011 with a safe, fresh, crime-free start, you go and kick off the new year by committing heinous crimes, such as entering a stranger’s home and turning their pictures sideways.
More on that later, because I want to start off our look at actual police blotter entries with the Jan. 2 edition, in which a Grand Junction woman “called Friday night to report that someone phoned her twice after finding her phone number on a rest room wall.”
Hey, bachelors, just a friendly tip: When you’re in a disgusting bathroom stall at some dive bar, and you see the words: “For a good time, call Sally” followed by her phone number, try to understand that someone put it up there as a way to get back at an ex-girlfriend, OK? Sally didn’t actually sneak into the men’s room and scribble down her number next to a urinal in hopes that some desperate drunk guy would call her at 1:47 a.m.
And while we’re giving out unsolicited advice, some of you people in Montrose need to clean your house more often. I say this because of a Montrose County Sheriff’s Department report that said a local woman “found a bag of blasting caps with fuses while cleaning her pantry. The Grand Junction Bomb Squad removed the items.”
I’m not exactly the tidiest person around so I’m in no position to offer cleaning tips, but you know it’s bad when you literally have to call an explosives demolition team to help you clean your kitchen.
Not sure about his kitchen, but a Clifton man apparently had to clean up his porch, after telling authorities in the Jan. 3 blotter that a few months ago, “someone left a dead turkey at his door.”
That’s one way to put it. Another would be to say that a local charity generously delivered a free Butterball turkey to a needy home on Thanksgiving. Semantics, I guess.
Then there was the Jan. 8 blotter, in which a Grand Junction man was arrested on suspicion of vehicular eluding, DUI and prohibited use of a weapon after deputies found several loaded guns and containers of alcohol in his pickup truck. In other words, the first chorus of a country song. The suspect told police: “I know it looks bad, but we went out shooting today before I was drunk.”
I don’t care what you say to the police before or after, if the phrase “We went out shooting before I was drunk” ever leaves your lips, you probably just ought to save everyone some time and plead guilty right there.
But that wasn’t even the most disturbing item in that day’s blotter. Not when a woman calls police to report that “an unknown person entered her home and damaged a picture and placed another picture sideways on the wall.” That’s right, he moved her picture sideways! If you can imagine. Frankly, this is the kind of stuff that makes me want to leave the Grand Valley for a safer area, where you don’t have to worry about criminals going around and slightly adjusting wall-mounted vacation photos.
But local criminals aren’t just breaking in to mess with your pictures. According to another recent blotter entry: “A man reported Monday that someone connected to his ex-wife and an incident that occurred 10 years ago entered his home and set the clocks back 10 to 20 minutes so he would be late for his community service job.”
This, I think we can all agree, is officially the worst excuse ever for showing up late to work.
Boss: “You’re late again!”
You: “Sorry boss, but a friend of my ex-wife’s who I got into an argument with back in the 1990s broke into my house just to mess with my alarm clock.”
Boss: (Thinks about this for a minute): “Oh, I see. Well that sounds reasonable. Back to work.”
So that’s your current local crime update. If you’re offended by what I’ve included, I’m sorry, and I don’t have any excuses.
All I can say is that I went out shooting before I was drunk.
E-mail beauregardsteve@ hotmail.com.