Pharm-ers market endlessly advertised on TV is an assault on the senses

I don’t want to ask my doctor about Lyrica.

I don’t even know what Lyrica is. I think it’s the one that will ease your arthritis. Or maybe I’m thinking of Humira, or Chantix — no — that’s the one that helps you quit smoking so you can focus your energy on curing your itchy skin, or restless legs, or erectile dysfunction, or possibly itching, restless, impotent legs.

I want to work in marketing for a drug manufacturer. It must be fun to make up a word and have the entire country see it on TV during every change of possession.

I’m talking about prescription drugs with names like “Eliquis,” which I’m pretty sure is a new 2017 Honda sedan. Chantix? Sounds like the name of a stripper. Whenever I feel normal and healthy, I know the drug companies will always correct that by warning me about diseases I probably have, but just don’t know about yet. Symptoms are so vague, everyone qualifies.

“Symptoms may include going to the bathroom and desire to consume food.”

Whatever the cause, Lyrica will solve it, although side effects may include nausea, drowsiness, headaches and less money in your checking account.

You may have started out miserable and suffering, but once you take an Eliquis, you’ll feel great, and will be surrounded by a whole bunch of happy, smiling people having a potluck on your back patio at night.

The commercials always end on this kind of up note. In one, a man laughs and he plays whiffle ball with his granddaughter. In another one, he plays the saxophone. Perhaps those are side effects.

All I know is that I’ve never been as happy as the guy in the Lyrica commercials. I don’t know what’s in it, but it almost makes me wish I had diabetic nerve pain.

Speaking of pain, the erectile dysfunction ads sure are a joy to see when watching football with your 7-year-old daughter.

(Viagra commercial playing on TV) DAUGHTER: What’s Viagra?

ME: They ... said “Niagara,” as in “Niagara Falls.” Like you learned in geography.

DAUGHTER: Why are you supposed to ask your doctor about Niagara Falls?

ME: To, uh, see if he knows geography.


ME: So tell me about your day, or what you had for lunch. Or something. Anything.

The lady in the Viagra commercial is always pretty, with bright red lips, clad in a blue negligee as she lies on the bed in a seductive pose. The couple has just checked in to an impossibly expensive cruise ship suite.

This must be a couple very early in their relationship, because for a lot of guys their reaction would be along the lines of: “What are you doing? Get dressed! The buffet closes in 10 minutes!”

The voice-over gives us more instructions, but I don’t want to ask my doctor if my heart is healthy enough for sex. I’m embarrassed enough to ask him for another asthma inhaler.

Plus, I’d be afraid of the answer. What if he said, “No. Absolutely not.” Then what? You could never enjoy an intimate encounter without thinking about the Grim Reaper. To stay in the mood you’d have to, I don’t know, maybe visualize the Grim Reaper wearing something from Victoria’s Secret.

You’ve undoubtedly seen the Cialis ads and logo. Apparently, taking Cialis results in you developing a strong desire to hold hands with your spouse while sitting in adjoining bathtubs. (“Ask your plumber about installing another bathtub.”) Even more strange, the side-by-side bathtubs are usually on the beach. I must not be romantic, because I see this commercial and all I think is: “How were they able to drag two heavy porcelain tubs through the sand, then fill them with fresh water?” Sounds like a lot of work and sore muscles. Forget the Cialis, he’ll need Lyrica.

Either way, I wish they’d stop running these ads when I’m watching TV with my family. The commercials make me very uncomfortable. I start to sweat and have anxiety.

I’m definitely going to ask my doctor about this.


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This is hilarious and SO true.  Loved your article.

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