Porridge and robes are so Gucci in 2017

With a new year comes a fresh start for the new you. You no longer have to be the out-of-fashion nerdy dud you were in 2016. This year you can be “Gucci,” which means “cool,” but you knew that already, right?

No?

Sigh. Looks like we have some work to do get you updated on all the trends for 2017, starting with ...

Sayings

New York Magazine says the aforementioned “Gucci” is a new slang word for something hip. The Gucci brand is renowned for its high quality, which is why you say “That’s so Gucci” rather than “That’s so Sears.”

Another phrase popular with young people is: “I can’t even.” It’s used to express shock.

As an example, let’s say your friend tells you: “OMG! Justin cheated on Madison!”

WRONG: “Well gall darn it.”

That is NOT cool. You will sound like a 94-year-old beet farmer. Instead, in 2017, you reply with: “I can’t even.”

Granted, if you’re a normal person, your reaction is to reply: “I can’t even what? What is it than you can’t even do?”

But the idea is to just keep quiet while rolling your eyes. This communicates outrage, while preventing you from having to expend mental energy to formulate a complete sentence, which can be difficult, as we saw in the presidential debates.

“Turnt” is the trendy new word meant to express excitement. However, it should only be used in the proper context.

CORRECT: “I’m turnt for this party yo!”

WRONG: I’m turnt to try out my new circular saw.”

 

Food

Culinary wise, you know what 2016 was missing? Cauliflower and porridge, that’s what.

So says Bon Appetit magazine:

“Look for cauliflower to start showing up on every single menu.”

That’s one trend. I predict another trend. It’s one where I eat at home a lot.

Experts at the Food Network’s website predict the rise of oatmeal.

“Prepare to be bowled over by porridge in the year ahead: It’s cheap, filling, friendly and flexible, offering a broad canvas for chefs to paint on.”

Want to show everyone at the restaurant you have a sophisticated palate? Skip the steak or lobster and order porridge instead. You’ll be so Gucci. You’ll be starving and disappointed, too, but Gucci.

 

Fashion

Elle Magazine says one of 2017’s fashion trends includes wearing robes in public. The shoppers you see at Walmart were apparently way ahead of their time.

One fashion writer says: “The robe is now socially acceptable attire. Wear a crisp wrap dress to work or just try out a casual one while you’re out with a bunch of friends. The idea is to feel both comfortable and breezy.”

I assume this robe trend is for women. I hope so. I don’t want to see any of my male friends being “breezy.” “The less breeze you show me the better” is my motto.

On the male fashion front, GQ says: “…tucking your sweatpants into your tube socks has become a favorite amongst influential style gods.”

Try this in 2017. Sure, people will make fun of you and point, but they’re just losers who don’t realize you are an influential style God. You may have to remind them.

 

Travel

Tahiti, St. Croix, Aruba.

These are all wonderful vacation destinations, but have you ever considered exploring the beautiful wilds of Ethiopia?

Of course not. That’s because you’re a sane human being. You want to spend your precious vacation days at a fun beach resort where after four days your blood type is “Banana Daiquiri.”

But Lonely Planet’s travel experts claim Ethiopia is one of the trendy destinations for 2017, partly based on “their coffee.” Of course, the U.S. State Department has issued warnings about the dangers of U.S. citizens traveling to Ethiopia, so hopefully that is some really good coffee.

So there are the new 2017 trends you need to follow. Admittedly, they sound a little strange. Wear robes to work, vacation in Ethiopia, and order porridge at fancy restaurants?

I can’t even.

Reach Steve Beauregard at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).


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