Push the snooze, baby, it’s date night

It’s date night, so we’re going to a movie. Married couples with young kids go to movies — not so much for the entertainment value as much as they’re tired and long for the chance to stay seated for 90 consecutive minutes without having to break up a fight or powder anybody’s butt.

“What do you want to see?” she asks.

“Anything so long as it doesn’t have Katherine Heigl in it.” I reply.

“What’s wrong with her?”

“They’re not even allowed to show Katherine Heigl movies to Taliban prisoners. It’s, like, forbidden by the Geneva Convention.”


“‘Gravity’ in 3-D would be cool.”

“3-D glasses make me nauseous. How about ‘August: Osage County’?”

“Meryl Streep makes me nauseous.”

“She’s supposed to be great in this. She plays an older woman who is psychotic.”

“That reminds me — your mom called.”


“I took Marilee to see it in January, remember? She sang the theme song for five weeks straight. What was that song?”

“Let it Go.”

“I can’t. It’s bugging me. Let’s snow? Time to Go? ...”

“Let it Go!”

“OK, OK! Sorry. Jeez. I’ll Google it later.”

“Let’s see….There’s ‘12 Years a Slave.’”

“That sounds like me in this marriage.”

“Actually, it’s a true, heartbreaking tale of unfathomable abuse and social injustice.”

“Well, that’s a cheerful way to spend two hours. What, there wasn’t a Holocaust movie available?”

“Maybe there’s a musical playing.”

“Oh Lord, no.”

“You still owe me a musical after that ‘romantic date night’ when you took me to Taco Bell, then ‘Hangover 3.’”

“But we just saw a musical: Cleveland or Cincinnati or something.”

“You mean ‘Chicago?’ That was 11 years ago.”

“I still get nightmares from it. Ten minutes in, I wanted to hang myself with licorice rope.”

“Tyler Perry has a new movie out.”

“Did you forget we’re white?”

“The Nut Job?”

“Don’t forget to call your mom back.”

“Here’s a full list of what’s playing.”

“Definitely not this one. It looks scary.”

“Why? It’s not a horror movie.”

“Sure it is. It says right here: ‘Based on the bestselling book by Nicholas Sparks.’”

“‘Ride Along’?”

“Who’s in it?”

“Ice Cube.”

“Sounds like he should have been in ‘Frozen.’”

Crickets chirping.

“He’s the rapper.”

“I know. He had that reality show.”

“No, that’s Ice-T.”

“I sometimes get my drink ingredients mixed up.”

“‘Dallas Buyers Club?’ It’s about a guys with AIDS who…”

“AIDS? Slavery? Do the concession stands sell Prozac these days?”

“They’re popular.”

“I’m getting old.”

“Why don’t we just rent a movie? ‘The Hunger Games’ is huge.”

“What’s it about?”

“Two kids have to fight to the death over food.”

“Or as we call it, ‘Ice cream night.’”

“‘Lone Survivor’?”

“I can’t see a movie where you need a spoiler alert to mention the title. Hey, what about ‘Fast and Furious 6?’”

“Yes, because I was dying to see the first five.”

“You don’t even know what it’s about.”

“Lemme guess. It’s about some guys who drive really fast?”

“It’s not just that. They’re, like, furious too.”

“Uh huh.”

“We’re talking VERY furious.”

“I think that movie with the captain and the pirates is out.”

“You mean ‘Pirates of the Caribbean?’”

“No. Tom Hanks is in it.”

“Tom Hanks is not in Pirates of the Caribbean.”

“I know that. I forget the name, but it’s one of the movies that Tom Hanks was in this fall. It’s not the ‘Saving Mr. Banks’ one.’”

“Tom Hanks was in ‘Saving Private Ryan.’”

“I KNOW. But he was also in ‘Saving Mr. Banks.’”

“That’s the one with the pirates?”

“NO! Ugh. This is our one night without kids. We have to pick something quick.”

“Um, you know, instead of driving to the movie, we could ... uh ...


“Uh, just ... maybe ... we could find a secluded spot and park, and then get in the backseat and…”

“And are you thinking what I’m thinking?”



“Hop in. I’ll drive.”

“We’re getting old.”

Reach Steve Beauregard at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).


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