Put the spark (plug) back in your marriage

Men, just because we just finished celebrating Valentine’s Day doesn’t mean you should wait until next February to show your wife some romance. You can wait until Christmas.

Or you can show her appreciation year-round. Unfortunately, most men are clueless when it comes to romance, which is why today we’re going to answer your frequently asked questions:

Q. Should the Broncos re-sign Russell Okung?

A. We meant questions about romance.

Q. What does it mean when my wife of 17 years tells me she’s “missing that spark we used to have?”

A. This is a common problem. Underperforming spark plugs can cause your car’s engine to misfire, while decreasing fuel efficiency. Check all of them and replace as needed.

Q. I don’t think you understood my question.

A. No, I get it. And to be honest, a lot of couples deal with this in their relationship. If not handled correctly, it could lead to costly, emotionally exhausting consequences.

Q. Divorce?

A. A new carburetor.

Q. What do I do if my wife puts on some unflattering clothing and asks me how she looks?

A. You tell her she looks beautiful.

Q. What if she asks me if her butt looks big in these jeans and it sort of does?

A. You fake a seizure.

Q. I love my wife, but I’m not real good at saying mushy stuff.

A. Just make sure your wife knows she is special.

Q. How?

A. Set your phone to remind you to repeat the following daily at a set time: “Wife, you are special.”

Q. But how do I make her feel special?

A. Tell her you love her, and cherish her, and that your heart still skips a beat whenever she walks into a room, and that the women in your internet browsing history don’t mean anything.

Q. After seven years of marriage, how can I be sure she still loves me?

A. She’s still with you, right? Keep in mind, of the 3.5 billion men in the world, she chose you. You are her soulmate, her irreplaceable one and only true love.

Q. Really?

A. Absolutely. Unless you cheat on her, in which case she’ll go on Match.com and find your replacement within four days.

Q. What specific steps can I take to improve our relationship?

A. Women appreciate the little things. For starters, you could start changing the toilet paper roll.

Q. Ha!

A. I was serious.

Q. Any ideas for date night?

A. Take her to a movie – one that SHE would like. For example: “La La Land.” A general rule of thumb for date night movies is that they should have more dancing than gunfire.

Q. The other night my old lady was saying something about how I never listen to her or something — I wasn’t really paying attention.

A. Communication is so vital to a healthy marriage. Engage in productive conversation and listen to her. Or at least pretend to. If, for example she’s telling you about a sad divorce her friend is going through, be sympathetic, nodding occasionally so she doesn’t know you’re actually thinking about how the Broncos can improve their run game.

Q. Speaking of which, are the Broncos going to re-sign Russell Okung?

A. Well, we certainly need improvement on the left side of the offensive line, and— wait. Sorry. We’re only answering romance questions.

Q. I caught my wife exchanging inappropriate texts with another man. I think she’s cheating on me.

A. It’s just a little flirting. I wouldn’t worry.

Q. But she went with him to Glenwood Springs last weekend.

A. They’re probably just friends.

Q. She’s pregnant with his son.

A. In that case, I’m sorry. On the bright side, at least you’ll get to claim him as a dependent on your income taxes.

Q. But he’s 33 years old.

A. I meant the baby.

Q. I read stories about couples married for 75 years. What’s their secret?

A. Dementia.

No, actually, it is unconditional love. And to remember to not take anyone for granted. Especially this time of year, when you really should spend all your time thinking about that certain special someone.

Q. Your spouse?

A. Russell Okung.

Reach Steve Beauregard at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).


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