Relocating can be a moving experience

If having two screaming toddlers wasn’t stressful enough, we decided to move. During the holidays. While fixing up a house. Which required us living with my parents for a week. The only thing that could have put more stress on our marriage is if my wife confessed to sleeping with the entire CMU Rugby team, which I actually would be OK with so long as they helped with the move.

I hate moving, which is why the next time I do it, it will involve someone calling Callahan-Edfast. I am, however, qualified to offer some moving hints:

TIP 1: The answer to the question, “Do we have enough empty boxes?” is always, “No.”

TIP: 2: At some point before the move, when you have 20,000 empty boxes piled up high around the house and they’re unsightly, excessive and causing you to violate several sections of the Mesa County Land Use Code, and you know for a fact you have way more than enough, go back and read Tip No. 1.

TIP 3: Liquor stores always have extra boxes. But when your wife tells you to go to Andy’s Liquors and get lots of boxes, she means “empty boxes.”

TIP 4: Plan ahead. If you need to be out of the house by say, 5 p.m. on the 31st, you should start packing well ahead of time. You won’t, though, of course. You’ll be like us: Two weeks ahead of time you’ll pack three boxes then smugly congratulate yourself for getting a head start. Then at 5 p.m. on the 31st you’ll apologize to the new occupants while telling them you’re all moved out except for just a few minor things, such as your furniture and belongings.

TIP 5: Hold a yard sale. TLC’s website has a “Moving Tips” page in which they declare that it’s pretty much mandatory for you to have a moving sale. I wasn’t totally on board with this, but these are the people who put “Honey Boo Boo” on the air, so you can’t argue with their judgment. Of course, I started second-guessing their wisdom while shoving snow off the grass last Saturday and, truth-be-known, we didn’t have a lot of traffic at 7 a.m. when it was -3 degrees. But we’re more optimistic for this weekend.

TIP 6: A day before the move, take the most precious item of sentimental value your wife owns and throw it on the ground. You’re going to break it anyway during the move, so you may as well get it out of the way.

TIP 7: While in transition, move in with your parents. After all, your wife has been hinting about how she’d relish the chance to spend 24 hours a day with her mother-in-law for a week. Your parents will appreciate the lack of sleep, unkempt house and disruption of routine, while you’ll enjoy feeling like a scolded 11-year-old again.

TIP 8: Not to stereotype, but clothes are important to women. Things get scattered during a move, so she’ll want to know where these boxes are for easy access. Take the endless supply of boxes of your wife’s clothes and shoes and carefully place them in a separate, designated area, like say for example, Goodwill.

TIP 9: Along those lines, to assist the family members and in-laws helping you move know where everything goes, mark each box very clearly in large bold letters. For example: “DISHES” or “LINENS” or “SEX TOYS.”

TIP 10: Buy new underwear, seeing as how you won’t find yours for awhile. Instead, you’ll find your high school yearbook, a 3-hole punch, and a paperback copy of “The Client” before you’ll find your toothbrush and underwear.

TIP 11: Memorize the following phrase, as you will need to use it repeatedly over the next few weeks: “Hey, where did you put the ...”

LAST TIP: I’m serious about the box thing.

Reach Steve Beauregard at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).


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