Scientific online quiz results: Ellenortia and the Collinses enjoy spooning

Someone once asked me if my house is fun all the time. No. It’s messy all the time.

But my husband is funny all the time, and life in general is funny all the time, and I take those funny things and write them down.

Sometimes I look like an idiot and sometimes my husband looks like an idiot, when in reality, he’s holding down the fort and the family. He’s the calm in the storm. He’s the one who doesn’t panic about an overflowing toilet, and the one who eats the burned hamburgers.

He’s the one who reads “Frozen” to our daughter for the 300th time because my patience has run out.

He’s also the Portia to my Ellen.

A few nights ago I was trolling Facebook when a photo of Justin Timberlake stopped me in my tracks, as a photo of JT usually does. A friend had taken one of those Buzzfeed personality quizzes, “Which Celebrity Couple Are YOU??!!” She and her husband were the 1990s version of JT and Brittney Spears. Awww.

Because taking that quiz would yield vitally important information, and because I was hoping there were more pictures of JT, I clicked the link to take the quiz.

After answering nine questions on everything from PDA to favorite cuddling position — you know, real deep relationship stuff — I got the result “Ellenortia,” the celebrity couple so cute we have to make them into one name: Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi.

The result read, “The two of you are as beautiful within as you appear on the outside. The goodness and laughter you share not only bring joy to each others’ lives, but to anyone else who spends time with you guys. If you guys separated, the world would actually become a darker place.”

Oh for heaven’s sake. How cute is that? But wait, who was I? The hot arm candy or the wisecracking one who wears sneakers with dress slacks?

“Hey honey?” I called. “If you and I were Ellen and Portia, who would I be?”

There was silence. I got up and went into his office. “Am I Ellen or Portia?” I demanded.

He sighed heavily. “That is an insane question,” he said. “Why are you asking?”

“I took a completely scientific quiz that said our relationship is most like Ellen’s and Portia’s,” I explained.

“Oh that is just…” and then he swore. “Where did you find this quiz?” I gave him the link. After a few clicks, he swore again.

“Who did you get?” I asked.

“I got Ellen and Portia, too,” he said in the voice of a man resigned to his life.

“So which one am I?” I asked.

“You are Ellen, because you are more outgoing,” he said.

Because my momma didn’t raise no fool, I immediately recognized a trap, which, in marriage, is just plain fun sometimes.

“You don’t think I’m the hot arm candy in this relationship?” I asked in a sad voice.

My husband also is no fool and has learned to not step in every single land mine I lay. “Are you saying I’m NOT the arm candy?” he shot right back. And neither of us could answer the other one without looking ridiculous, because the whole situation was ridiculous.

Not nearly as ridiculous as a few days later when I was relating the story and someone told me Ellenortia was breaking up. Gasp! How could it be that these two women, whom I previously didn’t give a second thought to and were now the center of my marriage, could break up?

My husband was unsympathetic. “This is not important,” he told me when I interrupted him at work to tell him Ellenortia, and maybe we too, were doomed. “These people are celebrities. They aren’t real people. Shouldn’t you be working?”

I slammed down the phone and logged onto Google. The lead story when I Googled “Ellen and Portia” was a Huffington Post article about the latest divorce rumors.

Rumor! Fantastic! Thank goodness. I could now get on with my day.

I called my Portia to tell him things were OK.

He really hates it when I call him Portia now.

Email Kami Collins at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).


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