Shop ‘til he drops

When I read about the study showing that on each shopping trip, men wait, on average, 23 minutes for their wives to shop, it reminded me how my wife is always way above average.

Twenty-three minutes to shop? Pfft. I’ve waited 23 minutes for her to get READY to go shopping.

It’s not her fault. Women have a genetic predisposition toward shopping, whereas I have a genetic predisposition toward making gender stereotypes.

I get that women like to buy clothes, but many women have a mental deficiency that will also cause them to go downtown or to the mall even when they (get this) have NO intention of buying something. Window shopping is the equivalent of a guy going fishing but not bringing a pole because he just wants to stare at a lake full of fish.

Overall, women look at shopping the same way men look at sex: It’s fun and entertaining for you, but since your spouse finds it boring, you may have to beg them to go along with it. Plus there’s usually cash involved.

I have to admit that when my wife is in laser-focused shopping mode, it’s a thing of beauty. We’ll be walking along when, on a dime, she will stop in her tracks at a clothes rack. Freight trains have less braking power.

Remember those scenes in “The Terminator” when the computers in Arnold Schwarzenegger’s eyes create an infrared thermal scan to size up potential threats? That’s Marie when she finds an outfit.

After scanning the target, her mind immediately analyzes the item’s molecular structure, while creating a 3-D visual grid for size and potential suitability. Once a successful target is identified, she’ll caress the fabric, smell it, and hold it up so as to mentally wear it.

My shopping method involves looking at the price tag. If it’s reasonable, I buy it. Sometimes this means I accidently buy purple granny underwear, but at least I’m out of the store quickly.

I have one shopping trip a year. Let’s say I need jeans. I go out and get them and am back in 15 minutes, assuming I don’t stop at Burger King on the way. I don’t need to compare options because I’m going to purchase the same kind of jeans I’ve worn every single day since I was 14. Not having any fashion sense is very efficient.

My shopping trips have a definite purpose. I don’t try on 17 different outfits or sip a Frappuccino while store-hopping. I buy them and go home because I have important things to do, such as sit around and consider mowing the lawn. I don’t actually mow it, but it’s the thought that counts. At least that’s what I keep telling city code enforcement.

But when you’re with your wife, you wait. If it’s a family outing at the mall, I’ll let her shop while I take the kids to the children’s play area so they can contract an entirely new virus.

Before kids, I never used to mind the Saturday shopping trip. Marie could shop to her heart’s content while I hung out at the Sears Electronics department.

Nowadays, all department store TVs show the same continuous loop of mountain scenes and pretty European villages, but back in the day, the electronics department was like the sportsbook at Caesars Palace.

At home I just had one small TV, but Sears had 30 big-screen TVs, all tuned into different college football games. Watching football there was better than watching from home. The only downside was that, unlike at home, you couldn’t sit at Sears all day drinking beer in your underwear. The security officer made that very clear.

Now, of course, online shopping is becoming more popular, which means I may no longer have to wait those 23 minutes for my wife to shop. This will give me much more time to do productive things, like mow the lawn. Because I’m very seriously considering it.

Email Steve Beauregard at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).


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