Some QandA as football is underway
Football’s back tonight!
We haven’t watched football since last year’s Super Bowl, when Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton sat moping in the locker room with a towel covering his face, like one of those guys who robs liquor stores, only not as charming.
For the Broncos’ part, the big news was that Peyton Manning stopped playing.
This happened in the second quarter of an October game against the Chiefs, but he officially announced it in March.
Q. When did he realize he was getting too old to play?
A. After one embarrassing practice in which he lost a 40-yard dash to a 350-pound lineman, two cheerleaders and a hot dog vendor pulling a cart.
Q. How did the Broncos address the quarterback situation?
A. They traded for Mark Sanchez, who has a long history of not playing to his potential and fumbling a lot.
Q. What happened?
A. He did not play up to his potential and fumbled a lot.
Q. What are they going to do for a quarterback?
A. In the tradition of legends like Elway and Manning, the Broncos plan to intimidate their opponents by starting a former Northwestern University student named “Trevor.”
Also, the Broncos announced that the team’s second string quarterback will be Craig Morton, assuming he’s still alive.
Q. How’s the big rivalry between Broncos cornerback Aqib Talib versus Dallas nightclubs going?
A. The current scoreboard shows:
Dallas Nightclubs: 2
Aqib Talib: 0
For the second summer in a row, Talib got in trouble at a Dallas nightclub, this time after accidently shooting himself.
Q. His momma raised him better than that.
A. Actually no.
Talib told ESPN radio that his mom once shot his uncle in the leg “for playing music too loud.” And in 2011, Talib’s mom was arrested after allegedly shooting at her daughter’s boyfriend.
Q. But firing a gun at your son-in-law is illegal and could get you in big trouble.
A. That’s what I keep telling my mother-in-law.
Q. What’s the status of Deflate-gate?
A. Tom Brady was suspended for four games.
Q. Hopefully this sends a strong message to the rest of the league.
A. It does. If you’re going to cheat in the NFL, you may be forced to spend Sundays at home with a lingerie model.
Q. There seem to be more concerns about the mental effects of concussion-related injuries.
A. The issue is completely overstated. I played football and am perfectly fine.
Q. Repeated hits to the helmet didn’t affect you at all?
A. Do you have any Twinkies? I love Twinkies. And rainbows.
Q. How will Sports Authority’s declaration of bankruptcy impact Mile High Stadium’s name?
A. They’re changing it to “Sports Authority ALL MERCHANDISE 60% OFF! Field.”
Q. Where will the Rams play now that they’ve moved from St. Louis to Los Angeles?
A. The L.A. Coliseum. But since the USC Trojans play there too, they’ll have to work their schedule around the school’s games.
Q. Shouldn’t an NFL team get priority over a college?
A. The USC players make more money.
Q. What’s the status of the league’s drug investigation?
A. Four players were investigated after Al Jazeera reported they took peds.
Q. What’s wrong with Pez?
A. No, P.E.D.S. Performing Enhancing Drugs.
NFL officials became suspicious after Steelers’ linebacker James Harrison was seen carrying a mobile home.
Q. Al Jazeera? The Mideast channel? I watched it once. They showed a protest where an angry radical was burning effigies of Uncle Sam while screaming “Down with USA!”
A. Actually that was Colin Kaepernick.
Q. What’s his deal with the national anthem?
A. He’s sitting down to protest the oppressive treatment of blacks in America.
Q. Doesn’t he make $12 million per year?
Q. Where do I sign up to be oppressed?
A. Not here. We’re the land of the free.
Q. For now, but those terrorists are trying to destroy us.
A. That’s why we need to get serious and use the ultimate weapon on them.
Q. A nuclear bomb?
A. Aqib Talib’s mom.