Spoiler alert: Season finale of ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ to include cliffhanger!
Script of tomorrow night’s big “Grey’s Anatomy” season finale:
The scene: Chaos outside Seattle Grace Hospital. Doctors and nurses frantically rush around as ambulances unload hundreds of bleeding Screen Actors Guild members.
Dr. Derrick Sheppard: (surveying the carnage): What happened?
Dr. Bailey: A passenger ferry crashed into a cargo ship.
Sheppard: Again? That same thing happened in episode 51.
Bailey: Uh, what I meant to say is that there was an explosion in an apartment building.
Sheppard: Episode 63.
Bailey: A car ran into a busy sidewalk caf&233;?
Sheppard: That’ll work.
Dr. Mark Sloan: I need some relationship advice.
Sheppard: I can’t talk now!
Sloan: Because of all these injured patients?
Sheppard: No, because we have to go to commercial.
Three minutes of ads for feminine hygiene products.
Sheppard: So like I was saying, Mark, just tell her you love her and that she’s the only woman for you. Then apologize for sleeping with those 14 nurses last week.
Sloan: Got it. Now let’s try to figure out how someone could just drive into a crowd of innocent people.
Bailey: I hate to stereotype, but the driver was a 107-year- old man. He has dementia and his driver’s license had been revoked.
Sheppard: So? That doesn’t prove anything.
Bailey: Plus he was driving a Toyota Prius.
Sheppard and Sloan: Oh my God!
Dr. Meredith Grey: Can someone help me with this patient?
Sloan: What are her vitals?
Grey: She’s a B-list actress making a special guest appearance.
Sloan: I see. Give her 30 CCs of something that has a lot of letters in it.
Grey: I did, but there’s still internal bleeding. She’s fading fast.
Sloan: It’s too late for her. We’re going to have to call it.
Grey: But Dr. Sloan …
Sloan: Don’t argue with me! There are hundreds of dying people out here. We need to focus on the patients we can save. Call it.
Grey: OK. Time of death: 2:17 p.m.
B-list Actress: Hello! I’m down here. Still alive.
Grey: I’m very sorry about that. We’ll get you admitted right away. We’ll just need your health insurance information.
B-list Actress: But I don’t have health insurance.
Grey: Time of death: 2:17 p.m.
Woman: Excuse me, doctor, but that man over there being worked on is my husband. How is he?
Sheppard: He’s going to make it, but his right leg is in really bad shape. It was completely destroyed by the car’s engine.
Woman: Will you be able to save it?
Sheppard: Uh … I don’t know. I guess we can have a mechanic take a look at it later.
Woman: No, I meant his leg.
Sheppard: Oh. Don’t worry. I’m sure it’ll be fine.
(Sound of chainsaw starting.)
Bailey: (approaching a bleeding man on a stretcher): Tell me what happened.
Man: My girlfriend and I were on the ferry when it crashed.
Bailey: Ferry? You obviously didn’t get the script changes. (She hands him some papers.)
Man: Hmm. What I meant to say is that my girlfriend and I were eating lunch at a charming sidewalk caf&233; when a car hit us.
Bailey: It’s OK. We’re going to take good care of you.
Man: You know, I was finally going to pop the question to my girlfriend at lunch today. I’ve still got the engagement ring in my pocket. We’ve been in love since ninth grade.
Bailey: Um, all right. But why are you telling me all this?
Man: I’m establishing background so that the viewer is emotionally invested in my character.
Bailey: Let’s get you into surgery.
Man: OK, but I sure hope I don’t die right after proposing to her in a dramatic, tear-jerking final scene.
Bailey: Don’t worry. If you flatline, we’ll save your life by “throwing out the rulebook” and using a revolutionary new surgical technique that we came up with on the spot.
Man: Didn’t you already do that in episodes 23 and 87?
Bailey: We do that every episode.
Man: But you’re positive I’ll live?
Bailey: We’ll know more later.
Man: You mean after the surgery?
Bailey: No, I mean after the season premiere in September.