Steve Beaauregard Column June 04, 2009

Let’s have some fun

A wise man once said, “You only get one chance to make a first impression on someone, unless that someone totally forgets about you, in which case you’ll have another chance to make a first impression later, which is great because next time you’ll make sure your zipper is up, plus you’ll stop calling him ‘Tony,’ since his name is actually ‘Mark.’ ”

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how to make a good first impression on you folks: the people who subscribe to The Daily Sentinel, or who read it online, or who get up early and steal it off a neighbor’s lawn.

I’m usually pretty good at first impressions. At a dinner party I’ll be introduced to someone, whereupon I’ll shake their hand firmly, look them in the eye, smile and say, “Hi, my name is Steve.” And they’ll reply, “You’ve got something in your teeth.” That’s because I have these giant buck teeth that aren’t so much teeth as they are enameled food storage bins.

I also have trouble remembering peoples’ names. Someone will introduce themselves and I’ll forget their name within 6 seconds. I think the part of my brain that’s supposed to remember stuff like that has been overtaken by the part responsible for remembering the final score of the 1977 AFC Championship game (20-17).

So now that I’ve made a good first impression on you, dear readers, let’s get started. I’ve been hired to write a weekly column in your Daily Sentinel based partly on some past experience and partly on the fact that I have several compromising photos involving Executive Editor Denny Herzog and a goat.

As to the tone of this weekly offering, let’s just say that the writing will be so insightful, so witty and interesting, that — after reading one of my columns — you’ll say to yourself,

“Gosh. I sure miss Dick Maynard.”

But “What will I write about” you ask in italics? Who knows? My deadline isn’t for another five days. What I do know is that this will probably be an outstanding opportunity to publicly torment my wife.

I may also comment on our baby daughter, who was born on January 16th this year — exactly 16 days too late for us to claim her as a deduction on our 2008 taxes. Not that it’s important. She could have been born on December 31st of last year, but one of her parents seems to have some moral qualms about inducing early labor just to claim a tax break.

My point is that I will not shamelessly brag about her. We all know how annoying it is when parents do that. Like when a friend tells you excitedly: “It was the neatest thing. Yesterday, my little Justin went potty all by himself.” And you don’t really consider it to be that big a deal. Especially since Justin is 32.

If anything, I will make fun of my daughter. This will undoubtedly cause her a lifetime of severe permanent psychological damage, but as long as you people have something to read while eating your bran cereal, it will all be worth it.

Yet, as my dad always says: “You can’t please everyone all the time. Especially your Mother.” So I come into this knowing that many of you won’t care for my style. You may hate my writing, and that’s perfectly OK. It just means that you are a loser.

No, wait. Sorry.

It means we have different perspectives. And if I ever write something that really offends you, you can always write an angry letter of protest to the Sentinel’s executive editor, Denny Herzog.

Make sure you ask him about the goat.

E-mail Steve Beauregard at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).


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