When someone annoys you, you might share some blame
Have you ever been so annoyed with someone that you can hardly see straight?
I recently was working with my client, Louis, and he was explaining his irritation for one of his coworkers.
“Tamra purposely says half-truths and manipulates staff and upper management and it makes my job difficult,” Louis said.
He provided several examples of how this had happened.
I could tell Louis was irritated as I listened to the “he said, she said” dialogue. Talking through the situation seemed to help him vent.
As Louis continued, however, I noticed that instead of venting, he added more evidence of how his coworker had wronged him. He ended with: “Why would she do this to me?”
“Is she really doing this to you?” I asked. “What is your part in this?”
“This isn’t my fault. She continues to ...” Louis began.
I interrupted: “Tamra may be doing all of those things, but I want you to step back and see what your part is in this.”
“I know that it takes two to tango, but I honestly can’t see how I’m to blame,” he said.
“Are you willing to try an exercise with me?” I asked, and he nodded.
“It’s one that I have done with my life coach when I am irritated with someone,” I said. “I had come into my coaching session and was upset with my ex-husband. My coach listened and then pointed out how easy it is to point my finger and become the victim. It was tough for me to hear because I was mad, and my coach wasn’t letting me be the victim.”
“What happened?” Louis asked.
“We did part of an exercise called the Quantum Collapse process,” I said. “He explained how each of us contains ALL of the traits that we witness in humans — whether we label these traits as ‘good’ or ‘bad.’
“You begin with a situation that charges you, that brings up either positive or negative emotions. Then list three traits that you deem as ‘good’ and three that you deem as ‘bad.’
“It was tough to find ‘good’ traits for my ex,” I continued. “The list of negatives was easy. Then, for each of these ‘good’ and ‘bad’ traits, I described places where I exhibited these traits. It felt impossible to come up with examples where I displayed his ‘bad’ traits. I just couldn’t see how I was like that.
“The exercise was tough, but it helped me to find a sense of peacefulness within myself ... as though my thoughts and feelings were neutralized. Would you be willing to take this on as an Action Step this week?” I asked.
“Yes, but I’m not sure I can come up with three qualities in Tamra that I like,” Louis said. “But I’m guessing that is just part of the process. I’ll try it and let you know how it goes the next time we meet.”
Coaching challenge: When you are irritated by another person’s actions, list three “good” and three “bad” traits the other person possesses, and then see how you exhibit these same traits.
Be specific. Who sees you acting this way? Notice if and how your emotions shift regarding the person with whom you were originally irritated.
Note: The Quantum Collapse process was introduced to me by my coach, Bill Brakemeier of Life Mastery Institute and his coach, Dr. John DeMartini, from the Concourse of Wisdom School.
Sheri Fisher is an intuitive life coach living in Grand Junction. The situations and characters in her column are fictional to maintain client confidentiality. For more information, go to http://www.coachwithsheri.com.