You know what this superhero movie script needs? A hair flip
It’s summer movie season, but never mind those formulaic, boring superhero movies like “Avengers Civil War,” “Avengers: Age of Ultron” and “Avengers Torture Internet Movie Pirates with Power Sanders.” I’ve written the next great summer superhero blockbuster movie.
It opens with Spiderman, the X-Men, the Justice League, Betty White and other superheroes sitting around, engaged in witty banter, which we are not paying attention to since one of the superheroes is Scarlett Johansson in a skintight leather suit.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Well, here we all are, having disagreements and arguing with each other.
IRON MAN: Shouldn’t something bad happen so we unite and spring into action?
HAWKEYE (Bursting in): Hey everyone! Something bad happened!
SPIDERMAN: Who are you?
HAWKEYE: The character with the least amount of merchandise sales who sets up the narrative.
THOR: What’s the emergency?
HAWKEYE: A bad guy is threatening to destroy a major city resembling New York.
WOLVERINE: We saved New York three sequels ago.
HAWKEYE: He’s attempting to destroy the country?
HAWKEYE: The world?
SPIDERMAN: Already done, but we can work with it.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON: What can I do?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Pout your lips and help us with our 13- to 25-year-old male demographic.
WOLVERINE: (Typing on computer): I’m researching this evil bad guy now.
IRON MAN: Is he an eastern European white heterosexual male?
WOLVERINE: Actually yes, how did you know?
IRON MAN: Anyone else and minority groups start whining.
THOR: I can defeat this bad guy myself. I have a powerful hammer.
SUPERMAN: A hammer? No offense, but I have X-ray vision and can fly. Your “super power” can be found in the tool section at Home Depot.
FALCON: Here comes the eastern European heterosexual white male!
(After 30 minutes of fierce, hand-to-hand, computer-generated fighting, the superheroes are on the ropes.)
SPIDERMAN: It looks like the bad guy won and all is lost. Either that, or it’s just a tension-inducing plot twist to propel the story forward.
WOLVERINE: Let’s formulate a strategy.
SPIDERMAN: I’ll entrap him with my spider webs.
SUPERMAN: I’ll fight him with my super strength.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON: I’ll flip my hair while leaning back and stretching real slowly.
IRON MAN: It’s not working. Hulk! Help! We need you!
BRUCE BANNER: Sorry. I only turn into the Hulk when I’m really angry.
IRON MAN: My agent says I’m being paid $2.6 million more than you for this sequel.
BRUCE BANNER: ARRRGGGH!
(He turns into the Hulk and kills Iron Man.)
SUPERMAN: Oh no! Iron Man is dead. What are we going to do?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: First we’ll arrange his funeral.
HAWKEYE: But the scrap metal recycling place closed at 5.
FALCON: All I know is this is the smartest, strongest, most powerful villain we’ve ever faced.
THOR: I have a hammer.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: We need REAL help. Let’s call Batman.
BATMAN: Sorry, but I’m licensed by D.C. Comics.
SUPERMAN: Never mind him. We MUST team up and fight back. There has been a grave injustice, a horrible evil perpetrated throughout our land.
HAWKEYE: You mean how this movie costs $15 to get into?
WOLVERINE: We’ll only win by using all of our special, God-given powers.
THOR: Well, I have a very large hammer.
HULK: Seriously, shut up about the hammer.
(The superheroes destroy the bad guys in five minutes).
SPIDERMAN: Wow. That was quick.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Yeah, our budget for CGI special effects was getting low.
SUPERMAN: Good job, team. We faced adversity, came together and defeated the bad guys. What a very unique story. Think we’ll win an Academy Award?
WOLVERINE: Probably not. Our only hope is if they have Warren Beatty announce “Best Picture.”
CAPTAIN AMERICA: The real lesson humanity should take away here is that we need to love each other, and that good overcomes evil, and that officially licensed Marvel merchandise is available at Amazon and all major retailers.
SPIDERMAN: And that the world is safe.
HAWKEYE: Forever and ever?
SPIDERMAN: Yes. Or at least until Memorial Day weekend 2018.