Ask the holiday expert
It’s time to answer all the Christmas-related questions that have been e-mailed to me from imaginary readers. I’ve been diligently working on this column for a long time now, going all the way back to 14 minutes ago when the rum starting kicking in. So, let’s begin:
Q: I got stuck hosting 18 of my in-laws for Christmas dinner, so I have a question.
A: Sure. There are many different ways to commit suicide. First, you could ...
Q: No, I meant, what should I serve for dinner?
A: Oh. Well I recommend you start by serving them a holiday meat and cheese sampler, preferably that one in the back closet that you had forgot had been sitting there for the past three or four years.
Q: But it will be moldy. They’ll get sick and never come back.
A: You’re welcome.
Q: Do you know any hilarious, yet distasteful Christmas jokes?
A: Yes, but most of them involve the words “stocking stuffer” or “yule log” and, frankly, they wouldn’t be appropriate for a respectable newspaper. Or The Daily Sentinel for that matter.
Q: Speaking of yule log, do you remember that old TV show “Yule Log” that they used to air every Christmas Eve? All it showed was footage of a log burning in a fireplace for several hours straight.
A: It was still better than the Lifetime channel.
Q: Would you like to read a lengthy and impersonal summary of all the incredibly mundane details involving my family during the past 12 months?
A: I sure would. They may get a bad rap, but lots of people love those Christmas form letters. Some of us are just dying to know how well little Taylor is doing in Algebra and whether or not Earl’s hemorrhoids have cleared up yet.
Q: They have.
A: Uh, great.
Q: But he still uses a seat cushion on long drives. Plus he ...
A: OK, OK, Let’s move on.
Q: My toddler keeps grabbing our artificial Christmas tree, knocking my favorite ornament off of it. What should I do?
A: Just put it away and store it until next Christmas.
Q: The tree? Or the ornament?
A: The toddler.
Q: Have you tried sending a Christmas gift at the downtown post office lately? OMG! They only have like two people working the counter. At Christmas time! The line goes all the way out the door!
A: Unfortunately, the government is not very efficient, even when it comes to simple tasks like delivering a package. However, they promise to do a much better job when it comes to your health care.
Q: I’m a 19-year-old intern here at The Daily Sentinel. During the company Christmas party last Saturday, some creepy, old drunk guy came up out of the blue and tried kissing me.
A: Again, I apologize. Human Resources has already talked to me about it.
Q: You’re not going to go on another rant about “The Little Drummer Boy” are you?
A: All I’ll say is that federal statistics show that 78 percent of all shooting sprees in America are a direct result of the assailant hearing “The Little Drummer Boy” one too many times.
Q: Um, are you sure about that?
A: I read it on the Internet, so it must be true.
Q: As you’re aware, the song “We Wish You a Merry Christmas” includes these disturbing lyrics about figgy pudding: “We won’t go until we get some, so bring some out here!” What should I do if I’m suddenly surrounded by a roving pack of angry Christmas carolers demanding figgy pudding?
A: You’ll be happy to know that as part of their attempts to stop panhandling, the Grand Junction City Council recently passed City Ordinance 187-64, which specifically prohibits (and I am quoting here directly) “aggressive, organized door-to-door solicitation of fig-based desserts.”
Q: Do you hope that everyone who reads this column will have a very merry Christmas, including the lady who sends you mean e-mails?
A: I sure do. I even got her a present.
Q: That’s sweet of you.
A: It’s a wonderful meat and cheese sampler.