Big Gulp ban hard to swallow

We now go live to New York City, where Mayor Michael Bloomberg is addressing the media ...

Bloomberg: First off, I want to apologize for the long security lines getting in. No one likes to be searched, but security has to be on the lookout for dangerous and illegal items, like guns, explosives or Big Gulps.

My friends, New York City is on the brink. Companies are fleeing. Our unemployment is 8.6 percent. Our homeless population has increased 21 percent, and last year we had over 500 murders.

But today let’s discuss our most important problem: Pepsi.

Our nation is facing an obesity crisis. This is on top of the financial crisis, environmental crisis, the Lindsay Lohan crisis, educational crisis, and the worst crisis of them all: the Colorado Rockies starting rotation.

To stem this obesity tide, I’ve banned the sale of 16-ounce-plus containers of soda.  I understand that you simpletons in flyover country refer to it as “pop.” Either way, it’s bad for you, so I hereby forbid you to drink it. You’re welcome.

I will now graciously take your questions.

Reporter: Mr. Mayor, why the 16-ounce number?

Bloomberg: I deem that to be an appropriate level of pop for my subjects ... er ... my constituents.

Reporter: Aren’t you acting like a nanny?

Bloomberg: No, and I’m offended by that question. Now sit up straight. And don’t chew gum with your mouth open.

Reporter: Do residents understand the reasoning behind the ban?

Bloomberg: Unfortunately, when it comes to nutrition, there clearly needs to be more education. We have people who think transfat is a slang word for an overweight crossdresser.

Reporter: If you blame food choices for increasing health care costs, then why don’t you outlaw every food except celery?

Bloomberg: Baby steps, my friend.

Reporter: Shouldn’t people be allowed to make their own choices?

Bloomberg: We’ve seen the disastrous results that occur when people are allowed to make their own decisions. Do I really need to bring up ‘N Sync or the Macarena?

Reporter: Sir, many think that government is turning into Big Brother.

Bloomberg: Quite the contrary. In NYC, we take pride in our relaxed rules. Here you can do things like smoke pot or abort your baby a few weeks prior to his or her birth. But let’s be honest: Purchasing 20 ounces of Sprite is crossing the line.

Reporter: Mr. Mayor, will you address the rumors that the city will soon legally require all residents to undergo mandatory weekly public weigh-ins?

Bloomberg: That’s a stupid question.

Reporter: So you’re denying it?

Bloomberg: Of course. It’s just in the initial planning stages. Nothing has been finalized.

Reporter: Same with the planned forced liposuctions?

Bloomberg: We’re just spitballing ideas.

Reporter: Mr. Mayor, what would you say to the 64 percent of Americans who, according to a Reuters/Ipsos poll, are against the law?

Bloomberg: While it’s upsetting to hear that so many have the capacity for independent thought, I prefer to focus on the remaining 36 percent of Americans who admit to being little more than mindless dolts who need government bureaucrats to make even the simplest, everyday decisions for them.

Reporter: Are you willing to rethink this unpopular law?

Bloomberg: Absolutely not. I’m proud to have the courage to stand up for my convictions and will do everything in my power to stop the multi-billion-dollar soda industry.

Reporter: So as owner of Bloomberg Television, you will reject advertising dollars from Coke and Pepsi?

Bloomberg: Ha! That was a good one.

Reporter: Sir, what kinds of punishment are you proposing?

Bloomberg: Violators will be dealt with severely. They’ll be fined, imprisoned or even worse: be forced to watch ABC’s prime time lineup.

Reporter: Won’t citizens get around the ban by drinking pop in private?

Bloomberg: No. We’ll catch them.

Reporter: How? The government won’t know what people do in the privacy of their own home.

Bloomberg: True. But we’re working on that.

Reach Steve Beauregard at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).


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