This year’s treat? Trick-or-meat

You don’t have to glance at the calendar to know the scary day is quickly approaching: There’s the sight of frightening-looking freaks everywhere, people dressing up and pretending to be something they are not, and others going around and begging residents to give them something.

Yep, it’s election season, all right.

But it’s also Halloween, one of my favorite holidays. Has been ever since my first Halloween as a child back in Granby, when my mom meticulously hand-made a tiger outfit for me that probably was very adorable if I lived in Southern California or Florida. But this was the high Rockies in late October, meaning my costume wasn’t “cute tiger cub” so much as it was “runny-nosed kid wearing two parkas.”

Now as a grownup, I love Halloween even more, mostly for the eating factor. On most days I’m not allowed to eat half my body weight in mini Kit Kats. But on Halloween, it’s perfectly normal for you to devour 32 packages of mini Butterfingers, then ask, “Are there any Snickers left?”

I’m especially excited this year because it’s the first time my daughter gets to dress up. And by “gets to” I mean “is forced to.” It’s an awesome costume too, her little butterfly outfit. Marie and I felt that dressing Marilee up as a butterfly was appropriate symbolism, in that her development from hapless infant into burgeoning child is similar to that of the butterfly’s magical metamorphosis from simple larva into a beautiful Monarch.

Plus my parents already bought the costume at Sam’s Club.

Not to be one of those annoying, overly proud parents, but Marilee looks adorable in her costume. My wife loves it. My parents love it. I love it. The only person who doesn’t fully appreciate the cuteness factor of it is Marilee. We tried to put it on her the other night but she screamed (again). I don’t know what it feels like to be unmercifully tortured by a heartless enemy, but I sure know what it sounds like. So we’re skipping the cute butterfly costume for now, unless we want her to go as a cute butterfly possessed by Satan.

What this means is that we’re currently shopping around for costumes, and our criteria are pretty strict. It has to be tasteful, safe and classy. Or free. That’s probably the main criterion, come to think of it. If Grandma and Grandpa want to spend the dough to dress her up as Osama Bin Laden, we’re completely fine with it.

According to several trends outlets, one of this year’s most popular costumes is the infamous meat outfit worn by Lady Gaga at the MTV Video Music Awards.

As those of you under the age of 14 may recall, Lady Gaga arrived at the awards wearing a dress made entirely out of raw meat. This is why the rest of the world hates us. They are starving to death in drought-stricken areas, whereas we have people who show up on red carpets draped in sirloin. She told an interviewer it was designed to make a statement. I’m guessing that statement is, “Will you PLEASE get that dog away from me.”

Yet, apparently, some parents are actually dressing their kids up in this trendy costume. “Baby Gaga” is what they’re calling it. This is how I know I’ll never be a trendy parent. If I ever get to the point where I’m attaching perfectly fine rib-eyes around my daughter and sending her off to the neighbor’s house to trick-or-treat, I hope someone will shoot me dead.

The other outfits on this year’s hot costume list are equally trendy. Snookie and The Situation from the “Jersey Shore” made the list. As did the vampires from those “Twilight” movies. Nowhere on the list is “cute tiger cub.”

So I’ll keep looking for my daughter, because it’s important that she begins to learn the true spirit of Halloween, which is to collect a lot of candy so that your parents can steal it when you go to bed. And I have to find her a good costume soon, because my wife is getting desperate.

I just caught her thawing out some steaks.

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E-mail Steve Beauregard at beauregardsteve@


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